Saturday, June 03, 2006

Revelation

I come to some revelations in the past week in my own life. I've been really thinking things through. The scary thing about having an online journal, is pouring my heart out in public. I've been a little scared to do that, but I would love to get a little more personal about what's on my heart. I understand that with speaking my mind, I will get criticism. I will never let that stop me. I get it all the time because I am so open with my life. But my husband reminded me of a quote that just blew me away. "The way to avoid criticism is to say nothing, do nothing, be nothing." Basically meaning you can be quiet, you can do nothing with your life, but all you'll end up with is nothing. Whether it's that you're a fantastic Mother, an excellent worker and lead a Godly example to your co-workers, or you're a song writer where people hear your words through music, or your an artist with paint, or you're a faithful husband; do something with your life of value. Not just anything, but live your life outside of just yourself. I've been thinking and thinking about my life in the past week. Where I was hoping it would lead. Where would God want me to be. I don't honestly know. I know He calls everyone of us to be a disciple of Christ. That's what a Christian is. But I've been contemplating what goes even beyond that. The extra mile. What is in my heart? I love my family. Do I want more kids? Or do I want to stop where I am at, and once they are in school go back to college and take a course in music? That is my love, my passion. Do I want to just stay home and clean the already clean house once my kids are gone for hours a day, or do I want to go and hold sick babies in the hospital that are needing some cuddle time while they are just trying to breathe their next breath? I really feel, for now, that I would like to stop where I am at and not only be a loving and supportive wife, a loving mother, a good housekeeper, but I want to go beyond that. I want to reach out to others. Even if it's going back to the nursing home in the daytime and holding a fading woman's hand while she tells me stories of her past years like I used to. I want to say something, be something, do something. Can I envision myself just cleaning each day until the kids come home? Not so well. However I can picture myself being here when the kids come home so I can hug them and bring them milk and cookies while they tell me about their day. I want to kiss my husband and hold him tight when he first walks in the door. I want to share stories around the dinner table with my family. I love that. I would never, ever sacrifice that. But, what about in those quiet hours before all that? Could I take back up piano like I used to? Or get the acoustic guitar lessons I've always longed for? Would I take a class in music that I've always dreamed of? I don't know. But until then, I will change the diapers, make the bottles, feed little hungry tummies, share bible stories in a circle in the mornings and pray for each other every day. Doing that right now, I am living my dream. "God help me to not conform to the world. Help me to see that there is someone out there that is in need of a friend. Or in need of someone to just say "you look beautiful today". Or hasn't heard the gospel message of Jesus Christ. Help me to think beyond my own desires. Most importantly, help me to know what path You want me to take. Amen" :)
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