Tuesday, October 21, 2014

We Are Having a Boy!

I'm so relieved.  Sigh.  I'm only 13 weeks pregnant but I got the blood test done that lets me know if the baby is high risk for anything.  It says the baby is good. 

I was a little worried about having a girl again because girls are so much work.  Agh.  Very emotional. Then again, I thought it'd be neat for Juliet to have a younger sibling to play with.  Oh, well.  It works!!

I've always liked the name Jackson but I don't like that spelling. I was thinking about either Jaxon, Jaxson, or Jaxsen.  What do you think?

Ivy and her friend Kerrianne at project
I'm on antinausea pills right now.  Bleh.  Several days ago I had the flu really bad and almost had to go to the ER because I couldn't hold down any water or food for a long time.  The water is the more dangerous part.  Thankfully, it only lasted 24 hours.  I was so relieved because the very next day I was supposed to volunteer on an outdoor project.  I felt soooo weak when I first went out there but felt stronger as the day went on.  There is a huge project next door to my house and we were doing tile art on the wall.  Pretty cool!

Thursday, October 09, 2014

11 Week Ultrasound

11 weeks
Yesterday was an emotional day for me thinking about my ultrasound with the last baby in April. It was a 9 week one but baby was measuring too small and was dying. So yesterday at my 10 week checkup and having my scheduled ultrasound, I cried. I really didn't want to go in and I cried missing Genesis.  I cried all the way to the OB's office, just worried of bad news. I smiled right away when I saw this on the screen because I knew everything was okay. They actually changed my due date so I'm 11 weeks. Baby is growing, healthy, has very strong heartbeat. Now it's tears of joy. My new due date is April 27.  I can't believe I'm having a baby in a different month.  Wow, so different.  My older six kids have birthdays all two weeks apart and then Juliet made her own month.  Now this one is due two weeks before her.  :)

I told the doctor how nauseous I was and she prescribed me some medication.  Also, because of my age I have to take calcium vitamins and a baby aspirin along with my prenatals.  Well, I took the antinausea medicine last night.  I woke up for the first time without throwing up.  I went an entire day without heaving at every smell.  The only problem is I kept falling asleep everywhere.  Oh my gosh!  I couldn't even hardly wake up in the morning and when I finally made my way to the couch I slept more. I got up to make lunch and that wore me out so I put Juliet down for a nap and then put myself down as well. I slept and slept.  When Charles got home he said I looked like a drunk.  I finally went and took a look at that medicine to see if it had something to do with it.  It says right on the box that it causes drowsiness and don't use it if you need to be attentive.  Um yeah, I'm a mom.  I need to be very attentive.  There is no way I'm taking these pills again.  Since I took two last night, I'm took only one tonight to see if it makes a difference at least.  Ohhhh, my house is a mess now that I've been down and out all day.  Please, lets not have tomorrow be a repeat.  Eek! 

Wednesday, October 08, 2014

Working Slowly to Becoming a Minimalist

I have cleared out so much stuff in my house but I'm working towards becoming a minimalist.  My sister already has it down pat but it's still rocket science for me.  I have been trying and trying to work on it for months.  I still have much clutter in closets and cupboards.  Sigh.  However, if we all work as a team we can get the house cleaned up super fast.  It used to be that it would take much, much longer because of all the clutter.  Have you ever seen any of the shows about gypsy lives? The only reason why I love it is I'm watching how they function with so little stuff and they have large families. Cleaning is so, so, so simple.  However, I can't seem to find a website that actually give a how to, like a guide.  I don't like talking about it.  Just give me the steps.  If anyone wants to enlighten me, I would love to find a website!  :D

Because of Juliet mainly, our walls in the house look horrid.  It's time for us to paint again.  I am terrible about picking out paint because I always do the wrong color.  In fact, I need to just call my sister and ask her.  She's like the beautiful version of Martha Stewart but without the jail time.  We also need a good cleaning of all the carpets.  We need a new couch, a new bed for Charles and I, and now a new 12 passenger van.  It died.  So, yay for us!  :D  Yeah, lots of work needed around here.

Side note:
Oh, my heart hurts.  I would be due soon with baby Genesis if I hadn't miscarried.  I still cry at least every other week.  I can't go near where I buried the baby because I'll bawl.  I have flowers and it's gated off from everything so no one can trample the area.  My baby.  Today I have a 10 week scan to make sure this baby in my stomach is growing properly.  I'm very nervous.

Monday, October 06, 2014

Am I Serving God or a Set of Standards?

I go through these really, really bad drag down phases where my past beliefs come back and haunt me.  It's almost paralyzing because I didn't even go to church yesterday and I was really looking forward to it. My husband very well knows these phases I go through because I'm usually in tears and curled up on the couch almost the entire day.

Even though my family went ahead to church without me, I looked up some of my favorite preachers that I recorded and picked a couple of sermons.  Something that really stood out to me, and it's weird that I just happened to watch it on that day...

"There are many gospels out there, be careful which one you listen to.  There is a gospel that tells you to go by your morals (by your works) to stay saved.  I believe in good morality but I believe good morality is a byproduct of right believing.  When you believe the true gospel, there will be a fruit of the spirit."

I can absolutely, 100% testify to how true this is.  Of course it's not gonna be a breeze to serve God in this day and age but when you put your focus on Christ, falling in love with Him, rather than on what you should and shouldn't be doing, those things fall into place on it's own.  Before, I felt like I had to try SO HARD to keep making right decisions.  I felt guilty over tiny things which led to condemnation, which then led me to feeling like not even trying anymore.

For example:

Several years ago on our anniversary we were walking the mall.  My husband and I decided to go into the theater and watch an animation cartoon.  Totally innocent movie. We had no TV at home.  The next time I was at church a lady whispered in my ear that she caught me at the theaters and saw us go in.  I looked at her and replied that I watched nothing wrong and I wasn't worried if anyone saw me.  However, I felt ashamed.  Why did I feel ashamed?  Did I watch anything I shouldn't have put before my eyes?  No.  It was just a works based mentality that came with a set of rules. I broke a rule, not a biblical moral standard.  From that point on I slowly, very slowly began to see how I was following rules whether or not there was a biblical reason for it.  I wasn't serving God, I was serving a set of rules and if I broke those rules even without sinning, I felt ashamed.  Then I would think, what does it matter now? I broke a rule anyway.  I might as well give up.  

For so many years I went through these highs and lows.  When I was faithfully reading my bible, going to bible study, praying, attending church, following the rules, I felt like a super Christian.  I was making people around me happy and it turn it makes God happy.  If I missed a couple of services or I slipped and watched a movie, I would get depressed and just say I want to throw in the towel.  I would lay awake at night in fear that God was angry with me and I was gonna die and go to hell that night.  Let's just say I rarely ever slept good.  But now that I look back on it, how was I sinning?  I wasn't! I was condemning myself and Satan didn't even have to.  I was doing his job for him.  I was serving a set a rules.  I realized that I didn't even know if I was serving God.  I was serving A God but not the true God.

One day the sleepless nights and the weariness did me in.  I was completely and totally drained and I had no more strength to try anymore.  I told my husband I would never set foot in a church again and I meant it.  I went to another church with my husband but for several months I sat there and questioned whether or not God was even real.  I decided I was gonna quit all together and I wasn't gonna serve a God I didn't even know existed.  One night I begged God to save me from the brink.  I was finished but I needed God to make Himself real to me.  I begged Him to show me the truth in scriptures about salvation.  He did.  He answered my prayer just a couple days later through a friend that recommended Robert Morris' Overwhelmed by Grace series.  It thoroughly explained the purpose of the law and how grace works.  That burden was completely lifted.  I finally understood and for the first time I saw scriptures to absolutely back it up.  How was I so blinded to these scriptures before?  I saw what I wanted to when reading scripture.  I picked out things that proved that we stay saved by our works.  The sad thing is I when I did that I was completely taking it out of context rather than keep reading. 

I said all that to say this, be careful that you are serving God and not a set of standards.  Serving God doesn't have to be so tiring that you are dragging your feet.  Once I just put my focus on Him, knowing and loving Jesus, it's like those wrong desires that were tempting me before just faded away.  It wasn't nearly as strong as it once was because the Law arouses sin.  When you serve the Law, you will find that temptations are gonna hound you a hundred times more.  When you serve Jesus, those righteous desires fall into place.

Good morality is a byproduct of right believing.