A Pain I Never Wanted to Understand

Everything's stopped in our house. The cleaning, homeschooling.... I'm just laying down a lot.  The house looks like the pits.  Stomach hurts still and my back.  Today the pain was bad.  Not horrible but enough to make me catch my breath.  Tomorrow I go in to have a look inside through an ultrasound.  Hopefully everything is good and healthy.  I found out today that when I was in bed that day miscarrying, Kyle was standing outside my door crying.  Charles told me that when he rushed home to be with me, he found Kyle like that.  I feel so sad I didn't know.  No matter how I felt, I would have brought him in, pushed away the pain and just hugged him.  Makes me sad.

I'm tired of laying around.  Every time I say I'm done just laying around, I'm knocked back on my back from exhaustion or from pain.  So I'm taking this week and this is the first time I'm not gonna fight it.  I don't ever take a week off from my work.  I don't like doing that.  I have to though because whenever I think about going back to my daily routine I just feel more tired.  Do I really work that hard every day?  Wow.  I guess I'm always so full of energy I can't ever stand to just sit around.  I enjoy being busy.  I told my husband I have no energy and it must be hard for people who always feel like this to be motivated.  He said, "Welcome to my world."  Really?  Wow, that would be hard.  

Since it's only been two days since miscarrying, I hope the energy comes back soon.  I always think I'm fine and then I just break down sobbing several times a day.  How do people just throw away their babies by choice?  Thousands upon thousands?  Oh gosh.  I'm crying over my little 9 week sweetie in the womb and people walk to the abortion clinic like it's going to the dentist.  What has happened to our nation? God, help us!  These are real human beings we are talking about with their very personality and looks written right into their DNA.  My kids' personalities still are a lot like when they were even in my tummy.  Kyle, my wild one, was also wild in my stomach. That boy would use my hip bones as a jumping point.  He was a very painful boy to hold in my tummy.  Guess what?  He's the same way now. 

I had some warning signs about this pregnancy not going well.  First off, I had told Ivy in the beginning that I would soon start to have morning sickness.  I've always had it with every pregnancy.  She asked me almost every day of those few weeks if I had started getting sick.  I kept saying no.  I wasn't worried till I had hit the 8 week mark and still no sign of morning sickness.  I thought that was a little odd.  Another thing is the word miscarriage kept going through my mind the entire time since I got pregnant.  I just kept brushing it away in my mind because I thought it was just me being worried.  I've always had good, strong babies.  I even started writing on my wall calendar each week that I was progressing in pregnancy.  Every Thursday it would be another week.  I started writing them ahead of time.  I always write all the way up to week 40 for every pregnancy.  It's just fun to stare at it every now and then and count down.  Something told me to stop and so I did.  Then I tried to ignore it by going to week 20.  Then I quit there.  Sigh. Woman's intuition?  I don't know. I know next time I'm pregnant I'm not complaining about morning sickness.  I'm gonna rejoice.  For me it's a sign of a healthy pregnancy. 

I'm sorry to the mommies for all the times I didn't understand what it was like for you to miscarry.  Many a times I've had mommies tell me.  I would tell them I'm so sorry yet not truly understand.  It's so much worse than I thought....

Was Motherhood Ever in Bondage? The Evil of Margaret Sanger

I watched a short documentary last night with my family about children being a blessing.  One part talks about Margaret Sanger, the evil that just dripped from her lips.  Whether or not you believe you should trust God with how many He gives you, there is never an excuse to kill a baby in the womb.  Ever.  There ARE other ways to prevent pregnancy without the act of murder that does not involve abortion of any kind (including chemical forms of contraceptives).  

"This is the dawn.  Womanhood shakes off it's bondage.  It asserts it's right to be free"

"The most immoral practice of the day is breeding too many children."

"The most serious evil of our times is that of encouraging the breeding into the world of large families."

"The most merciful thing that a family does to one of its infant members is to kill it."

1.5 million babies are surgically aborted each year

Sadly, as a result of the abortifacient effects of the pill and other "contraceptives," an additional 8-12 million babies are chemically aborted each year in the US alone. 

Click HERE to read The Truth About Birth Control

It breaks my heart to know I was on the pill (even though it was only for a couple of years) and I didn't know I could still get pregnant.  I had no idea the pill would cause my body to reject the baby and get rid of it.  Ack.  I hate thinking about it.  I haven't touched the pill since I found out about it in 2002.  

Newborn Caleb (2009)

Since finding out about the pill I started practicing a loose form of Natural Family Planning, yes, I've had a few "surprises".  So what?  What incredible blessings they have been to my life.  So did NFP work for me?  Yes, because I could easily get pregnant every year since nursing doesn't prevent ovulation.  I calculated it and I'd have at least 12-13 by now.  I only have 6.  Some believe you should trust God with how many children you have, some don't.  I guess that is something each person needs to pray about and come to their own conclusion.  Either way never involves murder though.

My sixth (Caleb)

Ever since I got pregnant with my 6th (in 2008) I have been attacked mercilessly.  Within a week of finding out I was pregnant I had attacks that blew me away.  Online and even in my personal email box.  A friend even spread lies for everyone to see.  They later said they didn't know the details, but just had some "assumptions" about our life.  It still hurt very bad and bad enough that we left out of state for a week to get away from it.  You can imagine how scared I was to share when I became pregnant with my 7th in 2011.  I had miscalculated my ovulation and it had been a year and a half since my last baby.  I was surprised but yet again I had the attitude and understanding that children are a gift.  I was still terrified to share knowing that with each one I had would come with more persecution from every side.  Online and in my personal life and surprisingly even from Christian folk from church.

8 months pregnant with
baby #7 (Juliet)

This whole pregnancy I've received about 80% negative from people. This time I'm putting my foot down.  I'm not gonna allow myself to be bullied any longer.  I'm not gonna allow my heart to be sad nor will I let anyone make me feel ashamed.  Sure, I worry about what people think.  Don't we all?  I have to be stronger is standing up for what is holy and righteous.  Even Christians attacking large families is wrong and completely unbiblical.  I've been cornered (literally) with accusations, assumptions, and anger from people.  This precious child in my womb is a gift from God and I won't allow her to come into this world wrapped in shame and negativity from others.  If you don't want kids, that is your life and no one is forcing you to have any.  Welcome to the land of the free.  Are you able to murder your own babies here?  Yes, and the government and even your friends will back you up.  But don't attack those that choose to cherish life.  Enough with all the Save the Whales and Hug a Tree.  Those are nice but what about Protect Human Life?  I've yet to see a film like that in the theaters.  If it seems I am upset in writing this post, I am.  This world is so backwards in how it thinks and I am tired of seeing what is pure and clean be so attacked.

Finding Out the Sex of Our 7th Baby...

Today we took all my little family with us to my 20 week ultrasound.  Actually, I was planning on going but my husband was sad when he came home from work and said he really wanted to go with me.  So, I had 30 minutes notice to get me and our 6 kids ready as fast as possible.  They boys looked great and the girls too with their bows.  :D

I can't believe I could pull it off to get everyone out the door and looking decent.  Its a really far drive but we got there just in time.  There are never one to keep anyone waiting so we went straight back to the comfortable ultrasound room.  All the kids fit on the couch and Charles stood. They were super quiet and only talked in whispers.  I was really proud of all of them sitting still and being quiet so the technician could do her job.

As soon as she put the "Magical Wand" on my belly she knew it was a girl!  Yay!  All the kids loudly whispered "YESSS!" Charles was so happy too.  Baby is totally healthy and we are even more excited that we can get things ready for her.  The Dr said her legs are measuring long.  I was surprised when it was all done that they gave me a DVD of the ultrasound. I could go home and watch it again!  When I went home I cried as I watched it again.  They are such miracles.  

The doctor again talked to me about birth control and what we are planning.  I told her I HATE the thought of doing anything permanent and asked if any new things have come out that won't abort any babies.  She said no and knew exactly what I was talking about.  She tried to talk to me about The Ring but I asked the question "I know it stops ovulation some of the time, but does it just abort the baby if ovulation occurs and I get pregnant?"  Yes.  So now she can see my dilemma.  I don't want to get pregnant right away but I hate permanency.  She told that in the ultrasound room she could see that my husband and I DO NOT look ready to make anything permanent.  She said only do that if you are 100% sure because there is no going back.  So, of course I go back and forth about what to do.

I really don't feel that God forces children on anyone. Yes, they are a blessing.  However, nowhere that I can see in the bible does God say you must allow them to come as they may.  I'm sure in the olden days they had their methods.  Then I hear some people quote the scripture about God killing the man that did not impregnate the woman. However, I believe he was killed because he directly disobeyed God and what He commanded.  I love having children because I truly enjoy them, not because I fear God and what He might do if I track my ovulation.  Just my personal thoughts on the matter.  :) Would love to hear your view.  

By the way, guess who has some really adorable Christian cards that gave me a chuckle?  Seeds of Faith has some really great ones if you'd like to check them out.  25% of the profits from their cards go to helping people, domestically and internationally, through various ministries.  How cool is that?

Merry Christmas: The Wonder of Life

Merry Christmas!!!!

Should Christians Celebrate Halloween?

This is such a huge debate among Christians and wherever I see it talked about, it can get explosive.  I've mostly seen Christians talk against but rarely hear from Christians like me that do go out and dress up.  Here is how I've done it:

Halloween 2010

All growing up the rule was we could dress up in costume, anything we wanted as long as it was clean and was not demonic.  We didn't dress up as witches, goblins, ghosts, demons.  Nothing of that sort.  It was the one day of the year I could dress up as any character I admired and have fun getting candy.  It was no more than that.  We had to stay in a group and usually we went for hours.  I have so many fun memories of it growing up.  

Here is my solid belief on the matter and I found the perfect way to explain it from this link HERE but I'll copy a certain portion of it for my blog for an easy read.  

Can the Christian celebrate Halloween?

The answer is simple: Yes and No. Let’s look at the negative first.

The Christian is not to be involved with or support the occult, witchcraft, demonism, or any other thing that uplifts the occult. To do so is to contradict God’s word, dabble in demonic spirits, and invite judgment from God. If a Halloween celebration is centered on demons, devils, spirits, etc., I would say don't have anything to do with it.

On the other hand, it isn't wrong to dress up in a costume and go door-to-door saying "Trick or Treat." Provided that the costume isn't demonic, I can't see anything wrong with this.  It's just fun for the kids.

Take a look at the Christmas tree.  It was originally an ancient fertility symbol. Yet, it has become a representation of Christmas and the place where gifts are placed. Are the Christians, then, paying homage to an ancient pagan fertility god? No. Not at all. They do not consider it pagan at all and are simply joining in on a cultural event and giving no honor to anything unbiblical.

In the Bible in 1 Cor. 10:23-33, Paul speaks about meat sacrificed to idols. This meat was often sold in the meat market and the question arose, "Should a Christian each such meat?"

Paul said in verse 25, "Eat anything that is sold in the meat market, without asking questions for conscience' sake." This is most interesting. He says it is okay to eat the meat bought in the market place even though that meat may have been sacrificed to idols.

Then in verses 28-29 he says, "But if anyone should say to you, 'This is meat sacrificed to idols,' do not eat it, for the sake of the one who informed you, and for conscience' sake; ²⁹ I mean not your own conscience, but the other man's; for why is my freedom judged by another's conscience?" (NASB). Paul is saying that if you find out the meat was sacrificed to idols, don't eat it -- not because of you, but because of the other person. In other words, eating that meat won't affect you. But, it may affect the attitude of another who does not understand the freedom the Christian has in Christ.

Is it any different with Halloween (or Christmas)? No. Even though Halloween has pagan origins, because of your freedom in Christ, you and/or your kids can dress up in costumes and go door-to-door and just have fun. However, if you are not comfortable with doing this, then you should not.

Pastor Sawyer sharing gospel message after Halloween Play

Another side of this I would love to share with you is something my church does.  Growing up my church would put on haunted houses but not the kind you might think of. We'd cover real nightmares.  Abortion, drunk driving, suicide, gangs, murder, hollywood, drugs, etc.  It always was covered in the news because it drew a lot of attention. Often you'd hear crying during the abortion scenes because it touched a raw nerve in the crowd.  Why do ghost and goblins when sin itself is a nightmare?  In the end, the very last scene, would be a bloody Jesus on the cross and a minister giving a gospel message.  Hundreds of people would get saved through that.  What if we shunned that time of the year and as Christian hid away?  The opportunity to bring Christ to a lost people would be missed.  

This year my church did a Halloween play.  Of course the purpose was to bring a gospel message.  Not glorify evil.  It was powerful and amazing to see so many people respond to Christ.  I took my older boys with me knowing it was about the right age.  My boys had a really long discussion afterwards about sin, the effects of sin, and how we never know how long our time is here on earth.

Tomorrow, yes, I'll be dressing up my kids.  I'll be letting the kids play out their favorite character and get candy.  No, we won't be participating in sacrifices or praying to demons.  After trick or treating we'll be attending the Halloween play again to support it and pray with people.  We're really looking forward to a fun night.  I really think this is a personal conviction.  If God spoke to my heart on he matter, of course I will obey Him.  Just as we still put presents around our Christmas tree.  We are not worshipping the fertility God. We are just having fun exchanging gifts and celebrating Jesus' birth.  Of course we know that was not His actual birth date but it's pretty darn awesome that we set that one day out of the year to celebrate.  

Does your family stay home during Halloween or do you dress your kids up?

A Mother's Sacrifice

Oh, this store breaks my heart and is amazing at the same time. It amazes me a mother's love, especially in these days where abortion is so rampant. This mother not only gave her child life, but she gave her own so he could keep his.

This is a true story of Mother’s Sacrifice during the Japan Earthquake.

After the Earthquake had subsided, when the rescuers reached the ruins of a young woman’s house, they saw her dead body through the cracks. But her pose was somehow strange that she knelt on her knees like a person was worshiping; her body was leaning forward, and her two hands were supporting by an object. The collapsed house had crashed her back and her head. 

With so many difficulties, the leader of the rescuer team put his hand through a narrow gap on the wall to reach the woman’s body. He was hoping that this woman could be still alive. However, the cold and stiff body told him that she had passed away for sure.


He and the rest of the team left this house and were going to search the next collapsed building. For some reasons, the team leader was driven by a compelling force to go back to the ruin house of the dead woman. Again, he knelt down and used his had through the narrow cracks to search the little space under the dead body. Suddenly, he screamed with excitement,” A child! There is a child! “

The whole team worked together; carefully they removed the piles of ruined objects around the dead woman. There was a 3 months old little boy wrapped in a flowery blanket under his mother’s dead body. Obviously, the woman had made an ultimate sacrifice for saving her son. When her house was falling, she used her body to make a cover to protect her son. The little boy was still sleeping peacefully when the team leader picked him up.

The medical doctor came quickly to exam the little boy. After he opened the blanket, he saw a cell phone inside the blanket. There was a text message on the screen. It said,” If you can survive, you must remember that I love you.” This cell phone was passing around from one hand to another. Every body that read the message wept. ” If you can survive, you must remember that I love you.” Such is the mother’s love for her child!

Abortion's Heavy Price

I don't know why I've been thinking a lot about the tragedies of abortion lately.  Maybe it's because I knew of someone through someone that recently decided to go ahead and have one.  Even though others reached out and offered their help.  The promise of a boyfriend who says he'll stay if baby is aborted only to leave as soon as the deed is done.  That life is snuffed out FOREVER.  Boyfriend is gone.  Friend's disappointed.  At night, I wonder if a tear falls down onto her pillows?  If she ever thinks about how many weeks she would be?  I wonder when her due date comes if her heart will hurt.  My heart hurts for her.

By 3 weeks her heart begins to beat.  By 5 weeks, the baby's nervous system is formed.  What does that tell me?  That the process of an abortion is a painful one for her. By 7 weeks she's already moving around.  By 8 weeks all her vital organs are formed.  By 12 weeks her skin is already sensitive. 

Satan's lies that are so easily seen by some, have blinded others. Sin has blinded many.  My heart aches for those that truly don't know the heavy, heavy price they are gonna pay for the rest of their life.  Of course some hearts are so waxed cold they will never care.  But many, many, many regret that choice.  Some never even get to have children after an abortion.  

I am not angry at those that do snuff a life out but my heart BREAKS for them.  The act of taking a life into your own hands and silencing it, will never truly be silenced in their mind and heart.  No matter how much alcohol they down, how many drugs they use, how many sleeping pills they consume over the years. There will be thousands of reminders over their lifetime.  Satan didn't offer to give that information when thinking about the abortion, huh?  He never does.  Like any sin, we just hope we can do the deed and put it behind us.  

I thank  God I was raised by my Christian parents.  That they shielded me from being slowly boiled like a frog not knowing he's being cooked.  Sin is the same.  It starts out with a little lie.  Just taking one candy bar at the store.  Reaching into mom's purse.  Trying that drink.  Taking that hit.  Believing a boy's whispers of love (lust).  Then when an unplanned pregnancy comes, believing he'll stay if she just aborts.  "Friends" urging you to.  Family angry at you. Sitting on that table of cold doctors removing a life that's "just tissue".  Telling the boyfriend it's done.  He leaves.  You are alone in your tormenting thoughts, every day for the rest of your life.  So you drink to erase the memories.  Take a hit to make you feel happy.  Take sleeping pills to help you sleep to make those thoughts go away.  See how it progresses? Sin will eat away at your conscience.  It never comes without a price.  

There go I but for the grace of God.