Monday, April 28, 2014

The Law of Grace/Taking Baby Steps in God's Word

I found this amazing app on my phone where I can find series of sermons according to what I really am going through in my life.  It's obvious what I've been talking and thinking about lately.  Daily I'm studying, researching, listening to sermons on it.  I guess what I so hungrily want to know is exactly how God's grace works.  I hear it over and over again about how we are saved by grace.  Well, what about after that?  Are we still earning our salvation?  A friend alerted me that Robert Morris did a whole series on this and I could download his app on my phone to hear any of the sermons anytime.  It's just easier that way because I can't always been on the computer.  I listen to sermons online from my church but this is a subject I've been really studying.  Well, what do you know!  I found 2 particular sermons in the series that answers the questions for me.  I would LOVE to share.


I wish I could just embed video here but there wasn't that option.  Wow, wow, and wow!  I just cried and cried listening to both of these sermons.  He said something really powerful in it.  Unless you really have tried to live under the law, how we can't, how heavy it is, impossible, it's hard to understand the need for grace.  I am totally paraphrasing here because it's hard to remember exact words. OH, HOW I VERY MUCH understand what it's like to live under the law and I was dying, was crushed, underneath it.  I thought it was a trip how he mentioned, you know when you are living under the law because one day it just gets so heavy you say you can't do it anymore.  It's just impossible.  It IS impossible!  I went 7 months still bewildered and seemingly running in circles in my mind as to what I believed anymore.  I just didn't really want to think about it anymore because it all seemed overwhelming.... till I began to learn a little bit more about grace.  People that have said I'm full of it and just am making excuses for sin, it's because some think sin is used as a free card to go sin for a day.  They are missing it by a long shot.  The vidoes just really answer so many of those questions.  I implore friends to watch it when you get the chance!  If you download the Gateway church app, you can look up sermons, then series, then Overwhelmed by God's grace.  Or just click on links above. 
(Notes from one of the sermons I was listening to)

It is a gift we receive, not a goal we achieve.  God is not waiting to see if you are good enough, if you are good and bad, if you add more good at the end of your life you'll get there.  If you believed in Jesus you have received the gift of grace.  Grace is not cheap but it's free.  It's not cheap because it cost the blood of Jesus.  But it is free.  But there are things that accompany salvation, there are things that happen in our lives, souls and minds because we are saved." -Robert Morris

Titus 2:11

Friday, April 25, 2014

Fighting Kids/From Discouraged Mama to Proud Mama

Yesterday I was a bit discouraged. We were trying to do bible study and I'm not kidding, it's like instantly I have things to battle against.  Usually I battle right through it but this time I just walked out.  The kids were getting along until I said bible study and it's like the atmosphere changed.  This is almost a daily issue.  They LIKE bible study time.  I don't know what it is.  Well, I guess I DO.  It's spiritual.  This time I just walked out.  I was done and I didn't want to battle it again. I didn't even work with them on their homeschool or chores. I went in my room with my babies and stayed in there for an hour.  Then I quietly just starting doing my chores around the house.  It's easy peasy doing chores without homeschool to worry about.  Without enforcing chores with the kids.  I didn't sin with my words at all but the kids could see I was sad.  The more quiet I was the more things they tried to do to see me smile again.  It was actually kinda cute. Ryan made me food as a gift.  Ashley walked up to me and played a song on her harmonica.  The rest started doing their chores on their own.  It was actually really sweet.

View of boys through my kitchen window

While I was doing the dishes I looked out my window and saw some workers digging with shovels in the empty field next to my house.  The church nearby is trying to convert it into a park for kids to play.  I knew it was hot out and thought maybe there was a good life lesson in helping for my boys to learn.  I called the boys over and let them see out the window.  I didn't want to force it because then it wouldn't be true volunteering.  I explained what I've always explained about J.O.Y = Jesus first, Others second, and yourself last.  This was a good chance to help out even though it wasn't easy work.  My boys happily got their shoes on and went over.  They asked them, "what can we do to help?"  They were each given shovels.  I was a happy mommy seeing them through my window as they helped do some hard work.

Ryan and Kyle waiting for camera on right. :)

Almost an hour later a news crew showed up.  The boys came running back to our house because they needed permission to be in the video.  I was like, HUH?  They said they were running a piece about the project that was to be happening there.  Of course I was okay with it and thought it would be such a neat experience for them to see behind the scenes video work.  They worked awhile longer unloading stuff from a truck.  Eventually more kids showed up.  I guess they had planned on some kids doing a painting project and wanted to show kids painting together. Then they had my kids working in the garden beds that have been planted out there and then interviewed Ryan about some peppers that were grown there.  The kids went from going over there for maybe just an hour or two to six hours!  They had such a fun day.  What made me so happy is they had such a right attitude about work with no reward, but somehow ended up being rewarded through some really fun experiences that are exciting and new for them.  :)  I went from being a sad mama to a proud mama pretty quick.

Kyle painting a message on a stepping stone
 The girls even got to run over and paint after the camera crew left.  They were like PAINTING! YES!  I'm not a big fan of painting which is why I hardly can stand to paint the walls in my house.  Argh!


Tuesday, April 22, 2014

I Am a Friend of God - Morning Studies With My Kids

Today the  kids and I were having a bible study in the morning which we try to keep as a normal routine.  Lately, I've been so excited to share with the kids when I have been learning in the scriptures.  The mood of our studies have definitely changed over the last few months and our talks much, much more meaningful.

We always start our studies off with praise songs but usually just with us singing together.  I realized I should put my smart tv to use and find praise songs for kids on YouTube.  We could all sing together.  I found the song I am a Friend of God by Israel Houghton. 

John 15:15 ESV          
No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.

James 2:23 ESV        
And the Scripture was fulfilled that says, “Abraham believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness”—and he was called a friend of God.
Sometimes I try to be a bit sneaky by throwing in a lesson about what we are currently dealing with behavior-wise.  Today, we just started out with praise songs and when I saw this song I just had to share with the kids some things on my heart about this subject.  It a fun interaction with each other and ended up going for an hour.  That's great!  That means everyone was into the discussion.  Otherwise it is sometimes only 15 minutes.  Each day is different.  :)

An issue I've been really dealing with is sibling rivalry.  Me and the rest of America.  More importantly, the subject of forgiveness.  Many of my kids in the past have said they don't know if God forgives them and they are scared.  I saw them pray to God, confess things to Him, and really pour out their heart.  Yet, they still felt fear.  I really feel that it's hard to give forgiveness when we don't feel forgiven.  It's hard to give love when we don't feel love.  Hurt people hurt others.  I held a lot of bitterness in my heart towards people the last few years because I really didn't understand God's love.  I didn't really believe he forgave me. I didn't UNDERSTAND forgiveness.  So how could I give it?  We've been really, really, really focusing our morning studies around this area.  

  What a blessing it is I get to have all my babies with me throughout the day!  My life is so ABUNDANTLY blessed.  Kyle, my 10 year old, walked up to me today while I was doing my chores asked me, "No really mom, what did you REALLY want to do when you grew up?"  I told him I always wanted to be a mommy.  He was like "yeah right."  For real!  I told him in elementary school we had to stand up and say what we wanted to be and that's what I said.  A mother.  To me that was the best, awesomest, coolest job I could ever have.  :D

Friday, April 18, 2014

Church Easter Egg Hunt 2014

We already did a huge Easter egg hunt last week with our church.  A friend told us to come early because parking would be limited.  So glad we listened!  We signed six up for the hunt out of seven kids.  Chick-Fil-A showed up and gave everyone free chicken sandwhiches... yum!!!!  I guess several companies supported it and gave away some cool prizes.  I'm sure the church bought some of them too.  Fun!  It brought a ton of visitors which is great!

Ivy (8) is in the middle in the blue jeans

Little Juliet won a sand play kit and Ivy won a dozen donuts, a Peter Piper Pizza party, a stuffed bunny, and cotton candy. Wow!  The Easter egg hunt began and it was wiiiiiiild!  The next day, visitors that had been invited to the hunt came to church the next day for the first time.  That is so cool.

Caleb (4) and Kyle (10)

We are soooooo not looking forward to the summer heat here.  No matter what event it is, we always get bad headaches and are in bed for some of the day after.  We all felt really sick and it's not even as hot as it's gonna get!  Argh!  Here I was born and raised here and can't get used to the heat.  I tell my husband all the time I'd be happier here if our backyard was a paradise but that comes with lots of money... Especially in the desert area. Water doesn't come easily around here.  It definitely doesn't come from the sky!  It rains so little here that when it does rain, people walk outside of their houses to see it.  It's so rare and passes so quickly, like in 10 minutes, that you are lucky if you get wet.  :(  I'm a green tree, rain, and hills kinda gal.  I love the city but would love more greenery.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Joy Comes In the Morning - Set Free from The Life of Legalism

*Before you read anything further, know this.  I grew up with a view of the bible that was pretty askew.  I blame this on myself and no one else.  I pieced together my own version of the bible and chose to ignore much of the new covenant that Christ brought.  Of course I knew I was saved by grace, but what about after that?  I believed I had to work hard to keep earning my salvation.  This is not finger pointing at anyone.  Just a work in my own heart I believe God is doing.  I believe He could of done it much earlier on if I had been more open to it and not so determined to create my own Frankenstein faith.  I'll explain....

I don't know how to say this without being super emotional, which is not me.  I hide my tears well.  I feel like God has begun a new work in me.  Truly given me joy I have not known for many, many years.  I used to go to bed in fear every night for my soul.  Yes, I did all the right things as a Christian.  I knew to pray and read my bible.  Go to church every week.  Get involved in extra stuff. I did all those things.  However, I still felt like I was paying for my salvation.  When I did those things, I just felt I never measured up. As a mom to a lot of kids, doing a lot of activities seemed too hard at times.  There are just those days where a kid is sick, or I'm exhausted from a long day, I just felt I couldn't go to an extra event.  Whatever it was, I felt I couldn't keep up.  So if I missed a service or a bible study, I felt so guilty I just knew God was displeased with me for being unfaithful.  Eventually, I burnt out.  I was done.  A dark day had begun for me.  I began to question the existence of God.  I started to question the bible.  Depression began to settle all around me.

Last September I threw in the towel on my faith.  I was confused and couldn't see beyond the current day and it's dark cloud.  At first I was critical of even the existence of God like I said earlier.  Eventually I admitted that of course I knew God was very much alive and real.  He has done some HUGE miracles in my life.  You can't wish away bad kidneys where you need surgery or dialysis.  That was a miracle.  You can't wish away back surgery. I didn't imagine the hours stuck on the floor, not even able to help myself up because of the spasms of pain.  To be freed instantly and free for 15 years is no accident.  That was the healing of God.  So, yes, I know God is real.  I just felt He had turned His back on me.  I hadn't done enough to keep Him happy so he must be done with me.  Okay, so now I admit I know He's real. 

I became quiet......

I quit every single activity of good works and was just STILL.  I went to church, heard from God, sang the praise songs.  That was it.  I was tired and weary.  Slowly through the messages I began to see a light dawning in my darkened, seemingly endless tunnel of depression. Sometimes I would even be sitting in service and a verse not even being discussed in the sermon would jump out at me.  What?  I never saw that before.  How?  I've read the bible through several times.  How could I have not seen this?  Moments like this God was piecing together for me.  Answers I had never seen before.  Still I had the question. Does God love me?  Does He take me as I am right now?  No good works?  The Jenny that doesn't have much to offer?  Just a broken heart?  This is all I have God.  BROKEN.

Over the last seven months of little pieces of the puzzle coming together for me and brought me back around to the cross.  To Jesus and the gift He gave.  NOT the Jesus I had created over the years.  Jesus, the only Jesus, that the Bible speaks of.  Several months ago in my dark days I was given a book called Own It. I just tossed it aside as another religious book in my collection.  Yesterday, around midnight, I started to head toward the dishwasher to load of some dishes before I went to bed.  As I walked towards it, my eyes landed on the book I had tossed aside months earlier.  I felt a drawing to it.  I thought, "Maybe I'll read some of it after I do the dishes."  Then a thought immediately followed, "Dishes can be done later.  If you do the dishes first, you may never read the book."  This time I listened.  I even left the dishwasher open and just headed to the living room with the book and my bible in hand.  With praise music in the background softly playing I opened the book with not a very big expectation.  I've heard it all before, you know?  I was a Christian kid raised in church.  What could I learn from this book?  I was surprised.... Here is a passage that brought me to tears.

Own It 
Leaving behind a borrowed faith

 "The trouble with renting your faith is that it puts all of the reliance for salvation on self effort rather than on God. When that happens you wear out quickly; you feel burnt out and tire easily of the hard work of obedience, which you believe leads to your salvation. This is what happens when you see a hardworking religious person who has walked away from their professed faith. They put all of their hope in their ability to be good, rather than in God Himself. When they run out of strength, they run out of their payment for the faith and end up losing their rental. But when you own it - really own it- you have no need to make payments in order to keep it because it already belongs to you. This is called justification. You don't have to justify yourself by working hard to gain God's approval."

Where did I get such a harsh view of God?  That I had to pay for my salvation?  I don't know.  I blame it on myself. I've had the bible in front of me my whole life.  I think I pieced the bible together the only way I knew how.  I picked and chose what I wanted to see.  Like it says in the book Own It, I was created my own version of a Frankenstein faith.  Not very pretty.  Anytime I saw the word "grace" I  attached the word "greasy" in front of it.  Grace was a dirty word to me.  I couldn't accept it because that was too easy.  In a sense, because I didn't accept the gift, I made myself my own God.  I wasn't serving the God of the bible.  I was serving my own beliefs.  I wore myself out in the process.  I make a pretty lousy god.

I believed my whole life that I was making payments for my salvation.  Now, I NEVER would have said that but deep down I did believe that.  I had to work to please God. I grew upset often when I felt I wasn't paying enough.  I was sure I would easily lose my salvation like you could easily lose a house.  As long as my payments were late, I was in danger of my good standing with God.  34 years of that and I guarantee you that can cause some serious bouts of depression.  

The biggest thing I have learned recently,  I had it all backwards.  I hated the word grace because then I had to really believe God was my loving father.  That He had saved me and I really had to have faith that it was free.  I couldn't believe that before.  I thought grace meant it was a free card to sin whenever.  So I threw the grace word out the window and never uttered it.  Now it was all about how good I was.  How many services I attended.  Extra activities outside of the regular services was like earning extra credit with God.  He had to be pleased now.  Instead, I've understood and accepted His gift.  I am saved, yes by His grace.  But I don't have to get on a treadmill to keep the gift.  Instead of focusing on how good I am, I focus on just getting closer to Him.  By doing that, all those other things fall into place out of a longing..  Yes, I am human.  I WILL make mistakes.  But I don't have to live in fear every night that I've made a big enough payment for that day to escape hell for another day.

Thank you, Jesus, for making Yourself real to me.  Thank you for helping me through the days of sorrow, for bringing me joy once again.  Your strength is made perfect in my weakness.  Please keep ministering to me and revealing more of Your Word to me.  I know now I should have been more focused on knowing You, becoming closer to You.  Not on myself and how many good works I can do.  I now know this was pride and that got in the way.  Please forgive me.  I'm so grateful for Your saving grace.  How sweet it is.  

Monday, April 14, 2014

Back On My Feet

I know it's been awhile since I've posted.  I took a week off from homeschooling.  The first couple of days (after the weekend I miscarried) I pretty much just stayed in bed, cried, was in pain, and not much else.  After those four days I couldn't handle laying down anymore.  I got up and decided to spend the rest of the days off just getting my house together.  My house got TORN APART while I was in bed.  It was bad.  The kids had fun never picking up after themselves and not having mommy remind them to.  I worked so much scrubbing everything my arm had spasms and I couldn't sleep from the pain.  Nobody believes me how bad the house can get when I'm down and out but it can.  Believe me.  Kids that don't go to school mean they are all home and living, playing, and it can add up fast.

I cleaned like I crazy lady.  It was like therapy for me.  I'm no perfectionist.  Ha to that!  But it was keeping myself busy rather than laying around and being sad.  It worked.  I got my house 75% organized in just a few days.  I thought to my self, "my gosh, it's easy to clean when mom doesn't have to homeschool. If my kids were in school I'd have all that time to clean."  I'm not gonna do that though but the thought did cross my mind.  Oh well.  ;) I love having them with me every day!  They may be a lot of work, but I love my job 100% and wouldn't trade it to have them gone just so I can have the perfect thouse.

The other night I had my parents over, actually my mom cooked for us, and it was such a good night.  We played our fun, new game Headbanz.  I love it because it's so simple for a family of all ages.  Even the little guys.  It feels good to be back on my feet again.  A heart a little bit heavier by losing a baby, but I know I have a beautiful someone waiting for me in Heaven.

Monday, April 07, 2014

A Pain I Never Wanted to Understand

Everything's stopped in our house. The cleaning, homeschooling.... I'm just laying down a lot.  The house looks like the pits.  Stomach hurts still and my back.  Today the pain was bad.  Not horrible but enough to make me catch my breath.  Tomorrow I go in to have a look inside through an ultrasound.  Hopefully everything is good and healthy.  I found out today that when I was in bed that day miscarrying, Kyle was standing outside my door crying.  Charles told me that when he rushed home to be with me, he found Kyle like that.  I feel so sad I didn't know.  No matter how I felt, I would have brought him in, pushed away the pain and just hugged him.  Makes me sad.

I'm tired of laying around.  Every time I say I'm done just laying around, I'm knocked back on my back from exhaustion or from pain.  So I'm taking this week and this is the first time I'm not gonna fight it.  I don't ever take a week off from my work.  I don't like doing that.  I have to though because whenever I think about going back to my daily routine I just feel more tired.  Do I really work that hard every day?  Wow.  I guess I'm always so full of energy I can't ever stand to just sit around.  I enjoy being busy.  I told my husband I have no energy and it must be hard for people who always feel like this to be motivated.  He said, "Welcome to my world."  Really?  Wow, that would be hard.  

Since it's only been two days since miscarrying, I hope the energy comes back soon.  I always think I'm fine and then I just break down sobbing several times a day.  How do people just throw away their babies by choice?  Thousands upon thousands?  Oh gosh.  I'm crying over my little 9 week sweetie in the womb and people walk to the abortion clinic like it's going to the dentist.  What has happened to our nation? God, help us!  These are real human beings we are talking about with their very personality and looks written right into their DNA.  My kids' personalities still are a lot like when they were even in my tummy.  Kyle, my wild one, was also wild in my stomach. That boy would use my hip bones as a jumping point.  He was a very painful boy to hold in my tummy.  Guess what?  He's the same way now. 

I had some warning signs about this pregnancy not going well.  First off, I had told Ivy in the beginning that I would soon start to have morning sickness.  I've always had it with every pregnancy.  She asked me almost every day of those few weeks if I had started getting sick.  I kept saying no.  I wasn't worried till I had hit the 8 week mark and still no sign of morning sickness.  I thought that was a little odd.  Another thing is the word miscarriage kept going through my mind the entire time since I got pregnant.  I just kept brushing it away in my mind because I thought it was just me being worried.  I've always had good, strong babies.  I even started writing on my wall calendar each week that I was progressing in pregnancy.  Every Thursday it would be another week.  I started writing them ahead of time.  I always write all the way up to week 40 for every pregnancy.  It's just fun to stare at it every now and then and count down.  Something told me to stop and so I did.  Then I tried to ignore it by going to week 20.  Then I quit there.  Sigh. Woman's intuition?  I don't know. I know next time I'm pregnant I'm not complaining about morning sickness.  I'm gonna rejoice.  For me it's a sign of a healthy pregnancy. 

I'm sorry to the mommies for all the times I didn't understand what it was like for you to miscarry.  Many a times I've had mommies tell me.  I would tell them I'm so sorry yet not truly understand.  It's so much worse than I thought....

Sunday, April 06, 2014

My Miscarriage Story at 9 Weeks

I'm a writer not for attention. I just write for my heart.  When I write it's very much like therapy for me.  So please know if I'm writing about something hard I'm going through, it's not for attention.  I just have to.

Right now I feel shaky and sick.  Since miscarrying a day ago, to my surprise I feel exactly like after I have a baby full term. My back and stomach hurt.  All for such a tiny little one that only made it 9 weeks.  :(  Doing much of anything feels like I hiked a mountain.  Finally I had to take some heavy meds to take away the pain and finally it worked.  I never resort to it but it had been prescribed for me for ulcers before getting pregnant.  I just never took them because I won't take anything above a regular Tylenol if I can bear the pain.  Just a good rule for me so it's there when I really need it which is maybe once a year.  I needed it today and yesterday. :P

Wednesday I was using the restroom and noticed some pink blood. Right away I thought, "Uh oh."  I never get that with any of my pregnancies. I've never spotted. I was definitely worried and was determined to call doctor first thing in the morning.  The next morning I called them and they immediately scheduled for me to come in.  The bleeding had gotten progressively worse and was now bright red.  Charles rushed home from work so I could go get an ultrasound.  I was very nervous when I got there and didn't want to see screen.  I did but I didn't.  It's a beautiful dim lit room with a big screen on the wall for mom's to easily see.  I couldn't help it.  I had to look.  I saw a beautiful little baby next to a yolk sac. I was sick waiting for her to say whether or not she saw a heart beat.  She said she saw a flicker and tried to see closer.  I was happy but still worried because to me the flicker of the heart didn't seem very fast.  She got a heart rate around 58 bpm which is only half of what it should be. She thought maybe she was wrong so had me hold my breath while she kept measuring and measuring.  It wasn't good.  Also, baby was measuring small for 9 weeks.  Baby was alive but obviously struggling.  I watched that tiny heart flicker and my heart wanted so bad to tell it to speed up!

The nurse had me go into a consult room.  Uh oh.  I've never been to that consult room I had always seen before.  I've always been in the examination room with my healthy pregnancies.  Whenever I would pass the consult room I would look at it and feel bad for the mommies that might hear bad news in there. Now it was my turn.  A lovely doctor came in and sat down next to me. She said the prognosis was not good and most likely baby was dying. She said to prepare for a weekend miscarriage and told me what to look out for.  I half listened because I didn't want to believe it.  I got up and walked out with a heavy heart.  

I called my husband as I was driving home to give him the news.  We both were sad.  Then I told my mom. Then I just didn't want to talk anymore.  I laid down on the bed.  I was holding my bladder, not wanting to go to the restroom, because every time I did I had to see more blood. I figured if I just didn't go potty and see the blood then nothing bad would happen. 

I called my parents and asked if I could go somewhere with them that night.  I had to get out of the dreaded house where I thought something bad might happen.  We had so much fun going to Rustlers Rooste, hearing the bands play, and eating steak. What a lovely night!  My heart was carefree forgetting about everything.  Then I had to go to the bathroom at the restaurant Now I was not having to use a pad because bleeding was more.

Once I went home I felt it was time to face the music.  I felt resolved to what was going to happen.  I laid down and looked on my facebook.  A sweet friend and her husband had written me a long letter about faith.  Not just accepting whatever bad new I hear.  At least pray.  They were right.  I had just given up without even praying but just a little bit.  I was quick to be defeated.  I have seen God heal my babies before right in the womb. I had seen God spare baby Juliet when my body was trying to miscarry her at 11 weeks.  I had seen God help me while almost going into labor with Caleb at 7 months.  Major miracles.  The doctors even called them miracles.  Why not for this one?  The baby at least deserved mommy to fight at well for this one.  I stayed up and prayed and prayed.  I would fall asleep praying and then wake up and pray some more. Then I turned on my TV to my recorded preaching messages of Robert Morris, The Blessed Life.  It just so happened the only sermon I hadn't watched was about The Power of Prayer.  I forced myself to pull out my bible late at night and watch the sermon. I prayed till I fell asleep late into the night.  Now whatever happened I felt I had at least placed it into God's hands and not man's. 

That night I dreamt I watched as the baby's heart dropped.  I felt as if I was literally watching her die right before me on a screen.  Just as the baby was dying in my dream I woke up and it was morning.  I kissed my husband goodbye as he left for work.  I mentioned to him I would miss him terribly.  It was a long day ahead of me not knowing what was gonna happen.  I just laid in bed drifting in and out of sleep.  A few hours later I felt a twinge of pain in my stomach.  Uh oh.  The doctor said it would be like menstrual cramps so that's what I was looking out for.  When I started having to breathe thru the pain I began to cry and cry.  I knew what was happening.  My baby had died just like I dreamt.  I called Charles and he rushed home.  Thank goodness because there was to be another 2 hours of contractions and I needed someone to be with the kids.  This was NO menstrual cramps but like stage 2 of labor for me.  For me, first stage is menstrual cramp type pain.  Second stage is breathing thru real contractions.  But just like a friend said, not over the whole stomach but in small area.  It was extremely painful.  Finally I took some heavy medicine for pain but it didn't even touch the pain.  When contractions subsided I fell asleep for 2 hours.  When I woke up I passed a huge blood clot.  It wasn't the baby.  The clot was like the size of a small orange.  It was huge.  I laid back down and a couple more hours later I passed something else and this time it was the placenta with baby.  I pretty sure baby was with it but I just couldn't tell.  Doctor said some can see baby real easy and some can't. I couldn't as well so I kept it all together.  I cried and cried.  I told the baby I loved him/her and placed it in a container.  

I fell back asleep and woke up to hearing my husband crying and saw him writing a letter to the baby. He said he wanted to name the baby Genesis.  I had mentioned the name before to him before knowing I would miscarry.  I told him I was sorry I lost his baby but we both knew the baby just struggled and couldn't make it.  I was exhausted and just laid in bed for rest of the night.  the whole ordeal was exhausting and nothing like the nurse and simply told me.  Much harder.  Kinda would have been nice to have a heads up .  :P  Maybe for some it's just like menstrual cramps.

Today I woke up and didn't want to be home.  I called my parents and went out to breakfast with them.  Then my husband and kids took me out.  Charles bought me a maternity shirt.  It didn't make me feel sad.  I knew he was doing it to show me I would have another baby some day.  I wanted Genesis but I accepted the shirt as a gift.  He just has such a sweet heart.  I tried to just feel happy by being away but it only worked for a short time.  I desperately missed baby Genesis.  I knew he/she was at home in a little container with a love letter, rose, and a newborn baby hat they'd never wear inside.  Finally I went home but my body was exhausted and in pain from not just taking it easy in bed.  I'll take the hint.  I can't run from it and just need to lay down.  Let my body just heal.  I fell asleep for a several hours but woke up in the middle of the night to write this letter.  Feeling shaky but I had to write it.  Maybe some mommy out there reading this and going thru the same thing can find someone who relates.

I may have only been 9 weeks pregnant but we had already picked out baby names, laughed and dreamt about this baby.  Charles and I mentioned how we couldn't WAIT to meet him or her in November.  I was barely pregnant and we were so impatient!  :)  Charles and I love EVERY single baby God gives us.  No matter how tiny.  We truly feel we have just missed out on another beautiful baby with a personality built right into him/her.  A PERSON we won't know till we are in Heaven. 

I love you, baby Genesis.  I CAN'T wait to meet you but I have seven beautiful blessings here to care and love.  I promise, promise, promise we'll be reunited again.  I love you, so, so, so much and I will sing to you every year.  Your birthday into Heaven is April 4, 2014. I won't forget it.  I know I've said it a hundred times but I LOVE YOU.

Love, Mommy

Friday, April 04, 2014

Goodbye My Little One

Dear little one, 

I've technically only known you for 7 weeks because they calculate pregnancy with an extra 2 weeks tagged on. I'm writing you now because I know my womb is still caressing you before letting you go to your home in Heaven. My body is painfully working to let you go with contractions every two minutes. 

I've loved every single day you've been in my tummy. I loved picking out names and dreaming with your siblings about what you might be like. I loved hearing the kids excitedly talking about you. They know Jesus is taking you home and they are crying. They love you so much. I told them we can see you again but we will miss you till then. 

Two days ago I started bleeding and worriedly called the doctor. They quickly brought me in to see how you were doing. I saw your precious little body. I saw your heart beating. I also saw how hard your heart was working to keep going. I knew before the doctor told me that you were having a hard time. I'm so happy, so, so happy I got a chance to see your little heart beating before saying goodbye. Wow, what a privilege. You are adorable. 

It was hard for me to accept I wouldn't get to meet you in November like planned. I so much couldn't wait to meet you that I was wondering how I was gonna make it till then. I already couldn't wait to hold you and being you were still so little, I was in a bit of a rush! 

Please tell our loved ones in Heaven hello. They get to see you before me. While you are there, know that you have seven other siblings that you'll one day get to meet. What a big reunion we will have!!!
Daddy said he's naming you Genesis because your life is just beginning even though your new home is in Heaven. He's such a sweet daddy. He talked to you in my tummy almost every morning before work. 

Hugs and kisses, little baby. I love you so much. I promise I'm coming eventually. You are my 8th baby wonder and I loved every single day with you. I will miss you so bad.

Love, Mommy