Am I Serving God or a Set of Standards?

I go through these really, really bad drag down phases where my past beliefs come back and haunt me.  It's almost paralyzing because I didn't even go to church yesterday and I was really looking forward to it. My husband very well knows these phases I go through because I'm usually in tears and curled up on the couch almost the entire day.

Even though my family went ahead to church without me, I looked up some of my favorite preachers that I recorded and picked a couple of sermons.  Something that really stood out to me, and it's weird that I just happened to watch it on that day...

"There are many gospels out there, be careful which one you listen to.  There is a gospel that tells you to go by your morals (by your works) to stay saved.  I believe in good morality but I believe good morality is a byproduct of right believing.  When you believe the true gospel, there will be a fruit of the spirit."

I can absolutely, 100% testify to how true this is.  Of course it's not gonna be a breeze to serve God in this day and age but when you put your focus on Christ, falling in love with Him, rather than on what you should and shouldn't be doing, those things fall into place on it's own.  Before, I felt like I had to try SO HARD to keep making right decisions.  I felt guilty over tiny things which led to condemnation, which then led me to feeling like not even trying anymore.

For example:

Several years ago on our anniversary we were walking the mall.  My husband and I decided to go into the theater and watch an animation cartoon.  Totally innocent movie. We had no TV at home.  The next time I was at church a lady whispered in my ear that she caught me at the theaters and saw us go in.  I looked at her and replied that I watched nothing wrong and I wasn't worried if anyone saw me.  However, I felt ashamed.  Why did I feel ashamed?  Did I watch anything I shouldn't have put before my eyes?  No.  It was just a works based mentality that came with a set of rules. I broke a rule, not a biblical moral standard.  From that point on I slowly, very slowly began to see how I was following rules whether or not there was a biblical reason for it.  I wasn't serving God, I was serving a set of rules and if I broke those rules even without sinning, I felt ashamed.  Then I would think, what does it matter now? I broke a rule anyway.  I might as well give up.  

For so many years I went through these highs and lows.  When I was faithfully reading my bible, going to bible study, praying, attending church, following the rules, I felt like a super Christian.  I was making people around me happy and it turn it makes God happy.  If I missed a couple of services or I slipped and watched a movie, I would get depressed and just say I want to throw in the towel.  I would lay awake at night in fear that God was angry with me and I was gonna die and go to hell that night.  Let's just say I rarely ever slept good.  But now that I look back on it, how was I sinning?  I wasn't! I was condemning myself and Satan didn't even have to.  I was doing his job for him.  I was serving a set a rules.  I realized that I didn't even know if I was serving God.  I was serving A God but not the true God.

One day the sleepless nights and the weariness did me in.  I was completely and totally drained and I had no more strength to try anymore.  I told my husband I would never set foot in a church again and I meant it.  I went to another church with my husband but for several months I sat there and questioned whether or not God was even real.  I decided I was gonna quit all together and I wasn't gonna serve a God I didn't even know existed.  One night I begged God to save me from the brink.  I was finished but I needed God to make Himself real to me.  I begged Him to show me the truth in scriptures about salvation.  He did.  He answered my prayer just a couple days later through a friend that recommended Robert Morris' Overwhelmed by Grace series.  It thoroughly explained the purpose of the law and how grace works.  That burden was completely lifted.  I finally understood and for the first time I saw scriptures to absolutely back it up.  How was I so blinded to these scriptures before?  I saw what I wanted to when reading scripture.  I picked out things that proved that we stay saved by our works.  The sad thing is I when I did that I was completely taking it out of context rather than keep reading. 

I said all that to say this, be careful that you are serving God and not a set of standards.  Serving God doesn't have to be so tiring that you are dragging your feet.  Once I just put my focus on Him, knowing and loving Jesus, it's like those wrong desires that were tempting me before just faded away.  It wasn't nearly as strong as it once was because the Law arouses sin.  When you serve the Law, you will find that temptations are gonna hound you a hundred times more.  When you serve Jesus, those righteous desires fall into place.

Good morality is a byproduct of right believing.

Visitors From Heaven or Hades?

Just when we are looking forward to some amazing events coming up, our van decides to just fall apart.  On Ashley's birthday the van wouldn't start.  I literally have everyone loading up and excited to spend the day at Amazing Jakes.  The van won't even start.  I am sitting there lightly banging my head on the steering wheel with my eyes tearing up because I have to go in and tell Ashley that we are going NOWHERE for her birthday.  Turns out our alternator died and killed our battery on the way down.  On top of that our head gasket is blown, need new spark plugs (not a big deal but the head gasket is) and it's gonna be a lot of money.  Thankfully I had some savings but the head gasket is gonna be huge so that's gonna have to wait.  So basically I'm told I can take my van very short distances only.  Ohhhh man.  Stuff happens and that's why I'm finally starting to understand that it's always good to save for emergencies.  I've been taking a class by Dave Ramsey called Financial Peace University.  So far it's been amazing and now I especially see the need for big emergency money.

Sigh.  

That was a few days ago.  Now I'm being told that my van probably won't make it another few months without getting a whole new engine in it.  I can't break down and go find a van where we have to make payments.  I need to save, save, save till this one dies.  We've only been using cash to buy cars for a really long time and I really don't want to get stuck in a payment as that wouldn't be very wise.

I know what I write below might step on some toes of dear friends I love but I just write how I feel.  Personal experience and opinion.

Last week I had a knock on my door from a couple of ladies.  They were very nice and wanted to share the gospel of Jesus with me.  Well, that's good.  I never have that happen so I was open to listen even though I very much have Jesus in my heart.  It was great until they told me that because I believe it's possible to lose my salvation, I'm already going to hell.  Then I can't be saved and they wanted to pray the sinners prayer with me.  I was taken back a bit.  You mean, I'm considered to be on my way to hell even though I've devoted my life to Christ and I believed I'm saved by grace and not by works, all because I'm unsure about eternal security?  Then that leaves about 95% of the world on their way to hell with no hope.  Forget all the Christians that serve Christ with all their hearts.  If they believe it's possible to lose their salvation, they are hopelessly lost.  This is very, very harsh.  She showed me tons and tons of scriptures but none of them straight out said that what they were saying is true.  Nothing. 

Well, this is exactly what I have been studying as of late in scriptures.  I used to believe I could lose my salvation at the drop of a hat.  One mistake and, darn, there goes my salvation again.  I guess I maybe had a Catholic-Christian mentality.  Always have to run back to church and ask for forgiveness and never having an assurance of salvation.  Basically, a life of fear.  In my recent studies I have been surprised to learn it is not at all like that.  We are sinners saved by grace and sustaining grace.  Well, what happens when someone blatantly lives in sin, unrepentant, for years and years on end?  Like someone who lives with their boyfriend, never marries?  Okay, well, I don't know.  I have been studying and studying about it.  Those two ladies told me that no matter what a person does, once they ask Christ into their hearts, they could go on a murder rampage for 30 years or until they die and they are destined to heaven.

After these ladies left, I just felt a heaviness.  They told me it was from God they came since I just happened to be studying about this.  However, I wasn't so sure.  Could it have been a total blow to discourage my studies?  That's exactly what happened.  I was discouraged because where I once had joy in what I had been learning, I was now told that since I doubt eternal security, I'm going to hell.  My gosh.  Well, I can't just buy whatever someone sells me at the door.  I need time to study the truth in the scriptures.  I have not once found what they are saying is true so that must mean I'm doomed.  I'm sure God's grace and mercy doesn't throw people into hell for loving, believing Him, living for Him yet they are just unsure of small parts of doctrine.  Goodness.  

That was about a week ago and talk about total joy ripped from my heart.  I've been really struggling since.  I did do some studying after they left and I can't find any scripture to back it up.  I do believe I would be wrong to believe I keep my salvation by my works.  Yes, I found many, many scriptures that say we cannot trust in keeping our own salvation.  It's completely by grace alone.  I also did some study work about "blotting the name out of the book of life" and was SURPRISED I had believed so wrong about that all my life as well.  So yes, I do my own study work. It's important to know scripture for myself.  But what an extremely discouraging experience to go through.

Overwhelmed By God's Grace - Shout it From the Rooftops!

It's so hard NOT to shout it from the rooftops for everything God has done in my heart and mind.  I copied my last weeks studies here.  Actually, I've been studying the scriptures in these videos for the last three months. It helps if I put it all here for quick reference.  I've watched these videos several times because I catch more than I did the last time.  :)

 

I was desperately begging God to show me that not only was He real, but show me he isn't angry, vengeful, and really does still love me. Sure, I had given my life to Him but all I knew was to live by works to please Him. Grace was not in my vocabulary or understanding. One day I stumbled onto this series. My eyes lit up and I listened to this very first one. I couldn't stop. Within one day I listened to the entire series. I cried and cried and cried. I cried till my throat hurt. I felt this heavy burden lift off my shoulders. I had heard of saving grace but not sustaining grace. I was completely dependent on my works to stay saved and it was crushing me. God made Himself real to me. He was always there but I was blinded by pride, my own works. Thank you, Jesus, for your healing in my mind and heart. I'm so excited for the first time in my life to serve You. I actually look forward to the journey ahead and getting closer to You.

Overwhelmed By Grace Series

The Righteousness of Grace

Immutability means unchanging.  God didn't just save us by Grace so we can go on to earn our way to heaven after that. We live righteously not so we can be made righteous. We already are when we asked Christ into our hearts. We live righteously because we been made righteous through Jesus Christ. There is not enough church services, outreaches, or bible studies you could attend to keep your salvation. It's completely by grace.

Overwhelmed By Grace Series

The Immutability of Grace

 

Overwhelmed by Grace. This one is great because it explains the purpose of the law and why we are no longer married to it. The law points out everything we do wrong or right. Once we die to ourself, accept Christ in our heart, we are no longer married to the law but to grace. Why then would we go back to the law?

 

Overwhelmed By Grace

The Marriage of Grace

 

Romans 7:7 For I would not have known covetousness unless the law had said, "you shall not covet." 

 
Overwhelmed by Grace. This is one of my favorites because it explains in detail purpose of the law. The law does have a purpose but not as a tool to hit somebody else with. The law helps us to understand the moral standards of God. It reflects the parameters of God's desires. The law is used as a mirror to look at ourselves. The reason He doesn't want you to do those things is because it hurts people. Stealing is wrong because it hurts others. Lying is wrong because it hurts others. The law is like a school master. It's a list of do's and don'ts. We are no longer having a relationship with "a list" but with a person. Jesus Christ.

  

Overwhelmed By Grace

The Law of Grace

 

It'll change your life. I promise. ;)

Overwhelmed By Grace

The Gift of Grace

This series has totally blessed my life. God showed me so many things that just brought me to my knees in thankfulness.  I have to share.  :)

The Curse of the Law

Sometimes I still can't believe all that God is doing in my mind and heart.  It's like I've woken up and saw that life is beautiful.  It always has been but I had been in a sad slumber.  At one time I felt like life was too burdensome and by the age of 34 I was done.  I was weary and didn't want to keep "fighting the good fight and keeping the faith."  It was just too hard. I never knew I wasn't meant to carry the burden of my own "humanness."  Hope that makes sense.

• Not a single person on earth is always good and never sins. Ecclesiastes 7:20

• For the person who keeps all of the laws except one is as guilty as a person who has broken all  of God's laws. James 2:10
  

• But those who depend on the law to make them right with God are under his curse, for the Scriptures say, "Cursed is everyone who does not observe and obey all the commands that are written in God's Book of the Law." Galatians 3:10

• The law of Moses was unable to save us because of the weakness of our sinful nature. So God did what the law could not do. He sent his own Son in a body like the bodies we sinners have. And in that body God declared an end to sin's control over us by giving his Son as a sacrifice for our sins. Romans 8:3

• Christ hath redeemed us from the curse of the law, being made a curse for us. Galatians 3:13

Get it?  It's incredible! Because I only believed in saving grace but not sustaining grace, I believed my good works was what was keeping me saved and in right standing with God.  Well, of course I tried with all my might but to my HUGE disappoint, I failed often.  I thought maybe I was failing because I didn't go to enough church services or because I wasn't praying hard enough.  Now I understand why a perfectionist mindset was killing me.

Legalism = Perfectionism

I had a legalistic mindset.  No one could do it and no one before me could do it except Jesus Christ.  THAT'S why he came and  became the perfect sacrifice for us.  We are no longer held under this perfectionist mentality.  Thank God.  Before if someone asked me if I believed in sustaining grace.  No way.  Yes we are saved by grace but we are on our own after that.  Boy, I was wrong and definitely still put myself under the curse of the law.  This is what explains my spiritual exhaustion.  

• Legalism- Thinking we are made righteous because we live righteously.

• Grace- Living righteously because we've been made righteous.

• Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:16

What?  God's throne of grace?  Where has this scripture been all my life?  I've aways looked at it as the throne of judgement or throne of condemnation.  Never, ever as the throne of grace.

When Jesus died on the cross He not only gave us the gift of saving grace but of sustaining grace. 

Insert taken from webpage: Laws on Top of Laws

"The problem with the Pharisee’s is that they had, over centuries and centuries of following God’s Law, added their own laws on top of God’s Law. Breaking God’s Law was so abhorrent to them that they added more laws to keep them from the things that would keep them from the things that would tempt them to break God’s laws. In many ways, it is not a bad idea. If I have an alcohol problem, I should not drink, but having alcohol in the house is a bad idea, and even going to a bar with friends should be out of the question. Constantly surrounding myself with temptation is a bad idea. If A leads to B which leads to C (and C = sin), then don’t do A or B. Take away the temptation that leads to the sin, right? So, by that logic, if working on the Sabbath is sin, maybe I should cease from doing any labor, any “work”, anything physical, right? 

Nope. Taking your traditions and beliefs and elevating them to be equivalent to God’s Law is wrong, but holding others accountable to your traditions is wrong too, according to Jesus. Even more than that, withholding good on the Sabbath is a sin, as Jesus has shown.

 

God is after my heart, and He is after your heart. He doesn’t admire your laws, standards, rules, righteousness or holiness. Your righteousness is like filthy rags to Him. No. He wants to save you from yourself. He want to see Christ in you, your only hope of glory. He wants us to behold the glory of the Lord, and therefore be transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. Jesus is your only hope, He is my only hope. Only Christ pleases God. Only Jesus lived a perfect life that I could never live and died the death I should have died because of my sin. Only He is worthy. Only His righteousness will cover me."

When we constantly focus on sin and don't do this don't do that, it actually can cause our minds to focus exactly on those things!  Rather, let's put our focus on Christ.  I'm amazed that now I completely put my trust in Christ, in His grace, those temptations aren't nearly like they used to be.  I was told, "well, that's because the devil is done with you and has no reason to fight you."  Nope, there really is such an amazing freedom and peace when we put our trust in Him rather than in ourselves.  When we understand we are no longer living under the law.  When I decided to stop living under the law, it took the power away that sin had over me.  Yes, I'm human.  Yes, I'll make mistakes.  It was never about perfectionism.  It's about our heart.

•  Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. So do not be attracted by strange, new ideas. Your strength comes from God’s grace, not from rules about food, which don’t help those who follow them. Hebrews 13:8,9

 God bless!!!

How Church Became My Idol

Whenever something is heavy on my heart I always have to come to my blog.  My blog always has helped me think through tough times or just changes in my life. 

My spiritual and physical life has changed in so many ways that I can't even begin to count my blessings.  I mean, I try to but it's soooo much!  I still deal with old fears but it's lessening as the months go by.  Whenever I talk to old friends that think like I used to, the fears come back.  It's such a heaviness that my heart almost can't carry the weight.  I finally understand the scripture...

"Then Jesus said, Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light."
Matthew 11:28-30

I know to many people they've heard this a thousand times.  To me it's life changing, powerful, and freeing!  Jesus wasn't just throwing out a nice phrase.  It's literal!  Stop focusing on trying to fight your flesh with works.  Focus on drawing nearer to Him and see what happens.  I love this scripture.  :)

I used to hear "my yoke is easy" and think it wasn't easy at all.  I had so many things I had to do to make God happy with me!  To make it to heaven.  Gosh, it was so hard and with my large family I just couldn't do enough things to make God happy.  I began to mentally break down and have serious bouts of depression. I don't mean feeling sad here and there. DEPRESSION where getting out of bed was a chore.  The burden of my works was so heavy that my spiritual back was breaking.  

It's much harder fighting for righteousness when I'm living my life based off of works.  Here is a silly but important example.  The other day I was watching a show on TV while the kids were sleeping.  A part came on that I didn't really feel was good for me to see.  Without even thinking I just got up and got something to eat in the kitchen to let whatever it was pass by.  I mean, I didn't even have to think about it.  To avoid it, I automatically just got up and walked out the room.  While in the kitchen it dawned on me how much something inside of me is beginning to change.  Before, I would have felt much more temptation to see what it was and maybe even fought myself for a bit to watch it.  I was so confident in my works based mentality that I trusted in my own strength to fight against temptations.  I was sure that if I made a mistake I was going to go to hell.  Therefore, when I made a mistake, I felt so condemned I just wanted to give up.  Since I have began to focus on just drawing closer to Jesus, that it's by grace we are saved (not just saving grace but sustaining grace) temptations haven't been able to hit me nearly as strong.  Of course I'm human and humans face temptation but it's almost like the blows are softened.  I always thought that if I had believed in "greasy grace" then I would just fall into every sin possible.   When you truly accept Jesus as your savior, not just for fire insurance (although that'd be my very first reason) but because you have a longing to draw closer to Him and know Him, you'll find that Jesus really didn't intend for serving Him to be heavy and burdensome!

 In fact, before I felt guilty if I missed a church service.  In a way, church became my idol.  I went to church not to make Jesus happy, but to please others around me.  I was going so many times a week because I felt if I didn't, God would be displeased with me or people around me.  I didn't go because I was excited to hear from God.  I went to please man.  I even felt pride in the fact I went so many times a week. That made me holy, right?  At times I snubbed my nose at people because they weren't as faithful as me to all the weekly services.  Yet, I felt horrible guilt if a kid was sick and I couldn't go, I felt an urge to call people around me or post on facebook why I wasn't there. I really, really think "church" can be an idol.  Since I have removed myself from that mindset I have had such a renewing and longing to not only learn about God at church but to study at home.  Yes, I did it at home before but this time was different.  Sometimes I can't wait to sit down study scripture, watch a sermon or listen to one.  Church now isn't the only place to receive but GLADLY in my own personal time.  Now, instead of praying once in the morning and "getting it over with", I find my self praying throughout the day as I see the needs or just want to praise Him!  Once you LOSE THE RULES, you find that relationship you've been longing for all along.

My prayer is that friends or people out there struggling with legalism or a works based mentality might be free from those chains.  I only share because I'm excited for what God is doing in my life and I so long to see others be free!  :)

Living a Purposeful Life and Living with a Terrorizing Toddler

I'm sure there are lots of parents that see things I post about and say, "she'll learn", and, boy, I have and still am!  Parenting has been such an amazing journey for me and through blogging I can see how wildly my views on it have changed.  Back in the early days I used to parrot what other people said about not being your child's friend but their parent.  Well, till my husband told me he'd rather I know my kids than bark orders at them from a distance.  I wasn't a mean parent but I was definitely afraid to build a relationship because I thought it'd be crossing that parent line into friendship.  (Rules without relationship breeds rebellion.)  Now I can honestly say I am enjoying a deep friendship with each and every kid. I might have to hold back on saying that about two year old Juliet for now. She just wants hugs from mommy in between all her terrorizing. 

I'm holding newborn Juliet and Ashley is copying me. Soooo cute.

 I want each day with my kids to be purposeful.  Every day is a new day to learn about stories in the bible and/or something new about God's amazing creation.  A new day to build on the friendships with each other. One of my boys has been extremely hard to train about matters of the heart.  He tends to hold onto things that people did to hurt him.  I realize before I would always focus on the negative when correcting.  This last few months I've turned it around to focusing on all his positives. To show him scripture on the right response rather than using threats and intimidation. Sadly, I've even used the bible as a weapon to scare him into doing what is right.  There is a time and place to talk about the scary stuff but it shouldn't be used in that way.  He would lay awake at night afraid at times.  Makes me sad.  I've gone through a huuuuuge life changing journey in my own faith and personal walk with God.  Now that I see God as an amazing loving father who wants to spend eternity with me rather than this angry being that is on the verge of wanting to flick me into hell, it's completely caused me to change my approach in teaching my children.  The result?  AMAZING!!!!  I saw this boy of mine go from a depressed individual to someone truly learning about love and forgiveness.  Someone who's wanting to help his siblings get closer to God as well.  I mean, it's shocking to see the transformation.  I was depressed and burnt out spiritually and was putting that off onto my kids as well. Thank goodness for new beginnings, right? 

See that mischievous look?  Haha

Juliet the terrorizer is by far the hardest toddler I have ever had.  She makes a beeline for either cat litter, cat food, cat water, toilet A, toilet B, getting on a computer, pouring water on a remote, escaping into the garage, pouring out the bathroom garbages onto the floor, climbing onto the dining table, then back to the cat litter and the toilets.  I mean, she really rotates all of those with no rest in between.  When her nap time comes, and trust me I know when that is, I have to actually sit down with a new cup of coffee in my hand and just breathe. I spend an hour of staring into nothing and sipping my coffee and then the next hour doing laundry because she's not awake to dump my newly folded clothes all over the floor.  Oh, and by the way, she dumps out all of our drawers in our bedrooms as well.  I just know that if I hadn't been raising toddlers for the last 13 years straight I'd be a much heavier woman.  Need exercise? Get a toddler!!  Haha.  Seriously, she's so cute though when she's sleeping.

Speaking of.....Guess who turned 2 today?  Juliet!!!!

Happy birthday, my sweet snuggle muffin!!!

My little innocent newborn Juliet.  :D

As if I'm Meeting You for the First Time

Dear God,

  I feel as if I never really knew You.  I knew ABOUT You but completely misunderstood everything You've done for me.  I see so much more now.  Did You allow me to go through the valley to let me see how much I desperately needed You?  So I would come looking for You rather than sit back in my chair thinking I already knew it all? I deceived myself thinking I had earned Your favor.  I didn't know that before I was saved, I was a slave to the law.  Once I asked You in my heart, I was under Your grace. All I can say is......

THANK YOU

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

On no, You never let go

Through the calm and through the storm

Oh no, You never let go

Every high and every low

Oh no, You never let go

Lord, You never let go of me

The Law of Grace/Taking Baby Steps in God's Word

I found this amazing app on my phone where I can find series of sermons according to what I really am going through in my life.  It's obvious what I've been talking and thinking about lately.  Daily I'm studying, researching, listening to sermons on it.  I guess what I so hungrily want to know is exactly how God's grace works.  I hear it over and over again about how we are saved by grace.  Well, what about after that?  Are we still earning our salvation?  A friend alerted me that Robert Morris did a whole series on this and I could download his app on my phone to hear any of the sermons anytime.  It's just easier that way because I can't always been on the computer.  I listen to sermons online from my church but this is a subject I've been really studying.  Well, what do you know!  I found 2 particular sermons in the series that answers the questions for me.  I would LOVE to share.

The Law of Grace -by Robert Morris

and

The Gift of Grace -by Robert Morris

I wish I could just embed video here but there wasn't that option.  Wow, wow, and wow!  I just cried and cried listening to both of these sermons.  He said something really powerful in it.  Unless you really have tried to live under the law, how we can't, how heavy it is, impossible, it's hard to understand the need for grace.  I am totally paraphrasing here because it's hard to remember exact words. OH, HOW I VERY MUCH understand what it's like to live under the law and I was dying, was crushed, underneath it.  I thought it was a trip how he mentioned, you know when you are living under the law because one day it just gets so heavy you say you can't do it anymore.  It's just impossible.  It IS impossible!  I went 7 months still bewildered and seemingly running in circles in my mind as to what I believed anymore.  I just didn't really want to think about it anymore because it all seemed overwhelming.... till I began to learn a little bit more about grace.  People that have said I'm full of it and just am making excuses for sin, it's because some think sin is used as a free card to go sin for a day.  They are missing it by a long shot.  The vidoes just really answer so many of those questions.  I implore friends to watch it when you get the chance!  If you download the Gateway church app, you can look up sermons, then series, then Overwhelmed by God's grace.  Or just click on links above. 

____________________________________________________
(Notes from one of the sermons I was listening to)

"Grace...
It is a gift we receive, not a goal we achieve.  God is not waiting to see if you are good enough, if you are good and bad, if you add more good at the end of your life you'll get there.  If you believed in Jesus you have received the gift of grace.  Grace is not cheap but it's free.  It's not cheap because it cost the blood of Jesus.  But it is free.  But there are things that accompany salvation, there are things that happen in our lives, souls and minds because we are saved." -Robert Morris
Titus 2:11

Fighting Kids/From Discouraged Mama to Proud Mama

Yesterday I was a bit discouraged. We were trying to do bible study and I'm not kidding, it's like instantly I have things to battle against.  Usually I battle right through it but this time I just walked out.  The kids were getting along until I said bible study and it's like the atmosphere changed.  This is almost a daily issue.  They LIKE bible study time.  I don't know what it is.  Well, I guess I DO.  It's spiritual.  This time I just walked out.  I was done and I didn't want to battle it again. I didn't even work with them on their homeschool or chores. I went in my room with my babies and stayed in there for an hour.  Then I quietly just starting doing my chores around the house.  It's easy peasy doing chores without homeschool to worry about.  Without enforcing chores with the kids.  I didn't sin with my words at all but the kids could see I was sad.  The more quiet I was the more things they tried to do to see me smile again.  It was actually kinda cute. Ryan made me food as a gift.  Ashley walked up to me and played a song on her harmonica.  The rest started doing their chores on their own.  It was actually really sweet.

View of boys through my kitchen window

While I was doing the dishes I looked out my window and saw some workers digging with shovels in the empty field next to my house.  The church nearby is trying to convert it into a park for kids to play.  I knew it was hot out and thought maybe there was a good life lesson in helping for my boys to learn.  I called the boys over and let them see out the window.  I didn't want to force it because then it wouldn't be true volunteering.  I explained what I've always explained about J.O.Y = Jesus first, Others second, and yourself last.  This was a good chance to help out even though it wasn't easy work.  My boys happily got their shoes on and went over.  They asked them, "what can we do to help?"  They were each given shovels.  I was a happy mommy seeing them through my window as they helped do some hard work.

Ryan and Kyle waiting for camera on right. :)

Almost an hour later a news crew showed up.  The boys came running back to our house because they needed permission to be in the video.  I was like, HUH?  They said they were running a piece about the project that was to be happening there.  Of course I was okay with it and thought it would be such a neat experience for them to see behind the scenes video work.  They worked awhile longer unloading stuff from a truck.  Eventually more kids showed up.  I guess they had planned on some kids doing a painting project and wanted to show kids painting together. Then they had my kids working in the garden beds that have been planted out there and then interviewed Ryan about some peppers that were grown there.  The kids went from going over there for maybe just an hour or two to six hours!  They had such a fun day.  What made me so happy is they had such a right attitude about work with no reward, but somehow ended up being rewarded through some really fun experiences that are exciting and new for them.  :)  I went from being a sad mama to a proud mama pretty quick.

Kyle painting a message on a stepping stone

 The girls even got to run over and paint after the camera crew left.  They were like PAINTING! YES!  I'm not a big fan of painting which is why I hardly can stand to paint the walls in my house.  Argh!

Ivy

Ashley

I Am a Friend of God - Morning Studies With My Kids

Today the  kids and I were having a bible study in the morning which we try to keep as a normal routine.  Lately, I've been so excited to share with the kids when I have been learning in the scriptures.  The mood of our studies have definitely changed over the last few months and our talks much, much more meaningful.

We always start our studies off with praise songs but usually just with us singing together.  I realized I should put my smart tv to use and find praise songs for kids on YouTube.  We could all sing together.  I found the song I am a Friend of God by Israel Houghton. 

John 15:15 ESV          

No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.


James 2:23 ESV        
And the Scripture was fulfilled that says, “Abraham believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness”—and he was called a friend of God.
  
Sometimes I try to be a bit sneaky by throwing in a lesson about what we are currently dealing with behavior-wise.  Today, we just started out with praise songs and when I saw this song I just had to share with the kids some things on my heart about this subject.  It a fun interaction with each other and ended up going for an hour.  That's great!  That means everyone was into the discussion.  Otherwise it is sometimes only 15 minutes.  Each day is different.  :)

An issue I've been really dealing with is sibling rivalry.  Me and the rest of America.  More importantly, the subject of forgiveness.  Many of my kids in the past have said they don't know if God forgives them and they are scared.  I saw them pray to God, confess things to Him, and really pour out their heart.  Yet, they still felt fear.  I really feel that it's hard to give forgiveness when we don't feel forgiven.  It's hard to give love when we don't feel love.  Hurt people hurt others.  I held a lot of bitterness in my heart towards people the last few years because I really didn't understand God's love.  I didn't really believe he forgave me. I didn't UNDERSTAND forgiveness.  So how could I give it?  We've been really, really, really focusing our morning studies around this area.  

  What a blessing it is I get to have all my babies with me throughout the day!  My life is so ABUNDANTLY blessed.  Kyle, my 10 year old, walked up to me today while I was doing my chores asked me, "No really mom, what did you REALLY want to do when you grew up?"  I told him I always wanted to be a mommy.  He was like "yeah right."  For real!  I told him in elementary school we had to stand up and say what we wanted to be and that's what I said.  A mother.  To me that was the best, awesomest, coolest job I could ever have.  :D

Joy Comes In the Morning - Set Free from The Life of Legalism

*Before you read anything further, know this.  I grew up with a view of the bible that was pretty askew.  I blame this on myself and no one else.  I pieced together my own version of the bible and chose to ignore much of the new covenant that Christ brought.  Of course I knew I was saved by grace, but what about after that?  I believed I had to work hard to keep earning my salvation.  This is not finger pointing at anyone.  Just a work in my own heart I believe God is doing.  I believe He could of done it much earlier on if I had been more open to it and not so determined to create my own Frankenstein faith.  I'll explain....

I don't know how to say this without being super emotional, which is not me.  I hide my tears well.  I feel like God has begun a new work in me.  Truly given me joy I have not known for many, many years.  I used to go to bed in fear every night for my soul.  Yes, I did all the right things as a Christian.  I knew to pray and read my bible.  Go to church every week.  Get involved in extra stuff. I did all those things.  However, I still felt like I was paying for my salvation.  When I did those things, I just felt I never measured up. As a mom to a lot of kids, doing a lot of activities seemed too hard at times.  There are just those days where a kid is sick, or I'm exhausted from a long day, I just felt I couldn't go to an extra event.  Whatever it was, I felt I couldn't keep up.  So if I missed a service or a bible study, I felt so guilty I just knew God was displeased with me for being unfaithful.  Eventually, I burnt out.  I was done.  A dark day had begun for me.  I began to question the existence of God.  I started to question the bible.  Depression began to settle all around me.

Last September I threw in the towel on my faith.  I was confused and couldn't see beyond the current day and it's dark cloud.  At first I was critical of even the existence of God like I said earlier.  Eventually I admitted that of course I knew God was very much alive and real.  He has done some HUGE miracles in my life.  You can't wish away bad kidneys where you need surgery or dialysis.  That was a miracle.  You can't wish away back surgery. I didn't imagine the hours stuck on the floor, not even able to help myself up because of the spasms of pain.  To be freed instantly and free for 15 years is no accident.  That was the healing of God.  So, yes, I know God is real.  I just felt He had turned His back on me.  I hadn't done enough to keep Him happy so he must be done with me.  Okay, so now I admit I know He's real. 

I became quiet......

I quit every single activity of good works and was just STILL.  I went to church, heard from God, sang the praise songs.  That was it.  I was tired and weary.  Slowly through the messages I began to see a light dawning in my darkened, seemingly endless tunnel of depression. Sometimes I would even be sitting in service and a verse not even being discussed in the sermon would jump out at me.  What?  I never saw that before.  How?  I've read the bible through several times.  How could I have not seen this?  Moments like this God was piecing together for me.  Answers I had never seen before.  Still I had the question. Does God love me?  Does He take me as I am right now?  No good works?  The Jenny that doesn't have much to offer?  Just a broken heart?  This is all I have God.  BROKEN.

Over the last seven months of little pieces of the puzzle coming together for me and brought me back around to the cross.  To Jesus and the gift He gave.  NOT the Jesus I had created over the years.  Jesus, the only Jesus, that the Bible speaks of.  Several months ago in my dark days I was given a book called Own It. I just tossed it aside as another religious book in my collection.  Yesterday, around midnight, I started to head toward the dishwasher to load of some dishes before I went to bed.  As I walked towards it, my eyes landed on the book I had tossed aside months earlier.  I felt a drawing to it.  I thought, "Maybe I'll read some of it after I do the dishes."  Then a thought immediately followed, "Dishes can be done later.  If you do the dishes first, you may never read the book."  This time I listened.  I even left the dishwasher open and just headed to the living room with the book and my bible in hand.  With praise music in the background softly playing I opened the book with not a very big expectation.  I've heard it all before, you know?  I was a Christian kid raised in church.  What could I learn from this book?  I was surprised.... Here is a passage that brought me to tears.

Own It 

Leaving behind a borrowed faith

 "The trouble with renting your faith is that it puts all of the reliance for salvation on self effort rather than on God. When that happens you wear out quickly; you feel burnt out and tire easily of the hard work of obedience, which you believe leads to your salvation. This is what happens when you see a hardworking religious person who has walked away from their professed faith. They put all of their hope in their ability to be good, rather than in God Himself. When they run out of strength, they run out of their payment for the faith and end up losing their rental. But when you own it - really own it- you have no need to make payments in order to keep it because it already belongs to you. This is called justification. You don't have to justify yourself by working hard to gain God's approval."

Where did I get such a harsh view of God?  That I had to pay for my salvation?  I don't know.  I blame it on myself. I've had the bible in front of me my whole life.  I think I pieced the bible together the only way I knew how.  I picked and chose what I wanted to see.  Like it says in the book Own It, I was created my own version of a Frankenstein faith.  Not very pretty.  Anytime I saw the word "grace" I  attached the word "greasy" in front of it.  Grace was a dirty word to me.  I couldn't accept it because that was too easy.  In a sense, because I didn't accept the gift, I made myself my own God.  I wasn't serving the God of the bible.  I was serving my own beliefs.  I wore myself out in the process.  I make a pretty lousy god.

I believed my whole life that I was making payments for my salvation.  Now, I NEVER would have said that but deep down I did believe that.  I had to work to please God. I grew upset often when I felt I wasn't paying enough.  I was sure I would easily lose my salvation like you could easily lose a house.  As long as my payments were late, I was in danger of my good standing with God.  34 years of that and I guarantee you that can cause some serious bouts of depression.  

The biggest thing I have learned recently,  I had it all backwards.  I hated the word grace because then I had to really believe God was my loving father.  That He had saved me and I really had to have faith that it was free.  I couldn't believe that before.  I thought grace meant it was a free card to sin whenever.  So I threw the grace word out the window and never uttered it.  Now it was all about how good I was.  How many services I attended.  Extra activities outside of the regular services was like earning extra credit with God.  He had to be pleased now.  Instead, I've understood and accepted His gift.  I am saved, yes by His grace.  But I don't have to get on a treadmill to keep the gift.  Instead of focusing on how good I am, I focus on just getting closer to Him.  By doing that, all those other things fall into place out of a longing..  Yes, I am human.  I WILL make mistakes.  But I don't have to live in fear every night that I've made a big enough payment for that day to escape hell for another day.

Thank you, Jesus, for making Yourself real to me.  Thank you for helping me through the days of sorrow, for bringing me joy once again.  Your strength is made perfect in my weakness.  Please keep ministering to me and revealing more of Your Word to me.  I know now I should have been more focused on knowing You, becoming closer to You.  Not on myself and how many good works I can do.  I now know this was pride and that got in the way.  Please forgive me.  I'm so grateful for Your saving grace.  How sweet it is.  

Noah - The Movie!

Have you noticed all the amazing movies that have been coming out lately?  As a Christian and someone who's grown up hearing these stories times after time again, it's neat to see it come alive in film!  Here is a featurette about the film Noah. It's a must see!  Yes, there is a lot of knowns and unknowns about the details in the bible of this story.  I'm sure in this movie they took some artistic license to fill in some of the what we don't know.  Rather than be quick to criticize, let's see for ourselves.

NOAH

Directed by Darren Aronofsky. Starring Russell Crowe, Emma Watson, Jennifer Connelly and Sir Anthony Hopkins. In theaters everywhere March 28, 2014.

"While artistic license has been taken, we believe that this film is true to the essence, values and integrity of a story that is a cornerstone of faith for millions of people worldwide."

Slavery to the Law- Falling Away from God's Grace

Lord, for so long I believed You loved me but with condition.  I thought that You waited impatiently to see when I'd slip up so you can flick me into hell.  I always saw you as a disapproving Savior who was always angry.  I thought I had to show through my works that I was saved and the more I did the more You approved of me.  If it's true in Your Word, that we are saved by grace and not by works, please plant this assurance in my heart.  I know, I know, I know it says it.  I am trying so hard to make my heart believe it.  I feel like this immature child asking You to teach me how to tie my shoes for the hundredth time.  I know it's so simple for others.  It's not simple to me when for so long I lived in fear I would displease people around me and displease you. 

"Not a single person on earth is always good and never sins." Ecclesiastes 7:20

 

Okay, I get that.  Everyone knows that's true.  How come it took me 34 years to find that scripture when I've been reading the bible ever since I could read?  Why is it that I try so hard to live for you yet I always feel like I'm looking over my shoulder?  That I'm about to get caught for doing something that I'm not doing wrong?  Feeling like I always have to be perfect or be kicked out?  When I have to stay home from church, the guilt eats me alive.  Don't we go to church to be taught and refreshed?  To learn more about You but not because we are trying to earn points with you?  Why is it that I feel like I've let you down when I can't do it all perfect?   Jesus, more than ever I need Your peace.  I pray for wisdom, discernment, and need to really, really know You.  Not what I thought I knew about You.  But to know Your heart.  I want to know You like never before.  Not as the punisher in the skies looking to see if I've earned enough points to maintain my salvation status.  I need to see clearly.

 

Recently a friend pointed out to me that the Christians are one body of Christ.  That we are not separated by fellowship of churches.  We are all ONE body of Christ.  Makes me sad when I hear Christians point the finger at each other and accuse the other church of not being as holy.  If a body attacks itself, won't there be less accomplished?  Won't there be injury to the body?  I wish we could work together and realize we have the same goals.  To make heaven our home and share the gospel message of Jesus Christ.  I'm going to leave the church judging of who is better and who is more righteous up to God.

"So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free and don't get tied up again in slavery to the law. Listen! I, Paul, tell you this: If you are counting on circumcision to make you right with God, then Christ will be of no benefit to you.  I'll say it again.  If you are trying to find favor with God by being circumcised, you must obey every regulation in the whole law of Moses.  For if you are trying to make yourselves right with God by keeping the law, you have been cut off from Christ!  You have fallen away from God's grace.  But we who live by the Spirit eagerly wait to receive by faith the righteousness God has promised to us.  For when we place our faith in Christ Jesus, there is no benefit in being circumcised or being uncircumcised.  What is important is faith expressing itself in love." Galatians 5:1-6

I know this is talking a lot about earning our way.  I don't want to be a slave to the law.  I realize I am saved by God's grace.  Robert Morris said it really well in one of his sermons.  He said we don't earn our way to heaven but once we are saved by grace we do earn rewards in Heaven through our works.  Makes a lot of sense.  We sew seeds here and reap rewards in Heaven.  We are happy to do things for Christ, Jesus said to preach the gospel to the world.  That's important!  How selfish can I be to forget that at times?  I have heard God's message my whole life.  I need, need, need to spread the message.  But I know I wouldn't be doing it to KEEP my salvation.  I already am!  But how selfish would that be if I didn't? 

Jesus, please help me not to be a slave to the law.  Help me to enjoy life as you intended.  There is joy in living for you.  It shouldn't be this mind hassle I go through.  I pray that you would bring Your Word alive in me. Amen.

Delivered from Depression

This past week has been an amazing week.  My son Ryan has been going through a rough time since going to a new church.  He was told his best friend is never allowed to see him again since his parents changed churches.  It really, really hurt Ryan.  He had been pretty moody lately.  Not just these last couple of months but really for awhile.  I hadn't really seen the evidence of him having a relationship with Christ.  I have been praying for him that he will.  But since losing his closest friend, I could tell he was hurting even more.  He became even moodier and in turn was taking it out on everyone around him. Well, our church youth invited my boys to a youth convention.  I guess our youth leader knows the singer that sings on the radio. Well, when they had the concert, the guy pulled the alter call and my son said his heart hurt.  He prayed the sinners prayer.  He said, "Mom, I just felt reborn!"  The changed I've seen in him is drastic.  The depression has lifted, the moodiness is gone, and he has had joy I haven't seen in a long, long time.  I'm amazed! 


Today at church my family went up for prayer.  My son Chaz who is 13 got a word.  That God hears his prayers every day.  That he delights in him and has favor on him.  That God not only loves him but likes him just as he is.  I tried so hard not to cry hearing that.  Chaz DOES talk to God every day.  Without asking he will pray, do his homeschool, chores, and without complaint.  I mean, he amazes me.  Okay, one down, six more to go!  Ha! 

I had been battling depression for quite some time and really tried not to show it on my blog.  I worked so hard to put God and my family first.  In the process of that I was not always able to throw myself into ministries.  I always knew my family was my first ministry.  I just felt like I was on full blown burnout because I felt pressured to do more, more, more.  I couldn't! I knew I was at my limit.  A homeschooling mama is no joke.  It's hard work.  I've gone to college and worked before. Looking back, those jobs I had were a vacation compared to what I do now.  However, no matter how hard I worked at home training my kids up in Christ and academically, I felt like I wasn't doing enough for God.  I felt like I could never pray enough, read my bible enough, go to enough services.  I felt guilty if I was on burnout and had to skip a service.  Almost like I was displeasing God and that it meant I wasn't "faithful". That's further from the truth.  God sees our heart.  God saw those times that I would gather up my little ones in the morning and read the bible and pray with them.  He saw the tears of prayer.  He saw the witness in secret to someone who didn't know Christ.  He sees those things that no one else does.  I've learned that just because others might perceive me a certain way, they aren't God. They aren't the judge.  He is.  I live to please Him and Him alone.  Yes, it's good to have accountability but that can be abused when it's used to spy or make someone feel guilty. 

I've always seen God as someone who is watching me and just waiting for me to slip up.  Waiting to knock me into hell if I mess up too much.  There is a scripture that jumped out at me while I was sitting in church. 

"Not a single person on earth is always good and never sins."  Ecclesiastes 7:20

You probably think what's the big deal. Ohhhh, that's a big deal for me. I always put down myself for not being perfect enough.  I hated that I made mistakes.  Or that I gossiped when I shouldn't have.  Or that I thought a bad word.  I just hated that I couldn't be good enough. 

"His anger lasts only a moment, but His favor lasts a lifetime!..." Psalms 30:5

What?  That was news to me too!  Well, I guess that makes sense.  A GOOD father would forgive his son if he came to him and admitted a mistake.  A dad isn't gonna berate him for weeks on end and turn his back on him because of it.  (A normal, sane, God seeking dad of course). He will be happy his child repented!  It's not the other way around where He can't wait for you to make a mistake so He can flick you into hell.  Because of this thinking I just really had a bad view of God.  I feared him, which I should, but it was a very, very unhealthy fear.  A kind that kept me extremely depressed at times.  Since being delivered of that earning my way to heaven mentality, I feel such a freedom I have never felt before.  In that freedom comes joy.  Not a single day of that depression has come back in two months.  THAT IS A MIRACLE.  My husband has seen the difference.  Praise God!

Thank you, Jesus, for not giving up on my even though I was beginning to.  Even though I was beginning to turn my back because I didn't believe you could love someone like me.  Forgive me for being incredibly judgmental of others when I had no right to.  You have forgiven so much of me and continue to do so.  Forgive me for my ungrateful heart in everything you have revealed to me in the past.  Not believing you when you revealed how much you loved.  I feel like I was going around the desert grumbling and never believing in Your promise.  I love you!