Monday, April 07, 2014

A Pain I Never Wanted to Understand

Everything's stopped in our house. The cleaning, homeschooling.... I'm just laying down a lot.  The house looks like the pits.  Stomach hurts still and my back.  Today the pain was bad.  Not horrible but enough to make me catch my breath.  Tomorrow I go in to have a look inside through an ultrasound.  Hopefully everything is good and healthy.  I found out today that when I was in bed that day miscarrying, Kyle was standing outside my door crying.  Charles told me that when he rushed home to be with me, he found Kyle like that.  I feel so sad I didn't know.  No matter how I felt, I would have brought him in, pushed away the pain and just hugged him.  Makes me sad.

I'm tired of laying around.  Every time I say I'm done just laying around, I'm knocked back on my back from exhaustion or from pain.  So I'm taking this week and this is the first time I'm not gonna fight it.  I don't ever take a week off from my work.  I don't like doing that.  I have to though because whenever I think about going back to my daily routine I just feel more tired.  Do I really work that hard every day?  Wow.  I guess I'm always so full of energy I can't ever stand to just sit around.  I enjoy being busy.  I told my husband I have no energy and it must be hard for people who always feel like this to be motivated.  He said, "Welcome to my world."  Really?  Wow, that would be hard.  

Since it's only been two days since miscarrying, I hope the energy comes back soon.  I always think I'm fine and then I just break down sobbing several times a day.  How do people just throw away their babies by choice?  Thousands upon thousands?  Oh gosh.  I'm crying over my little 9 week sweetie in the womb and people walk to the abortion clinic like it's going to the dentist.  What has happened to our nation? God, help us!  These are real human beings we are talking about with their very personality and looks written right into their DNA.  My kids' personalities still are a lot like when they were even in my tummy.  Kyle, my wild one, was also wild in my stomach. That boy would use my hip bones as a jumping point.  He was a very painful boy to hold in my tummy.  Guess what?  He's the same way now. 

I had some warning signs about this pregnancy not going well.  First off, I had told Ivy in the beginning that I would soon start to have morning sickness.  I've always had it with every pregnancy.  She asked me almost every day of those few weeks if I had started getting sick.  I kept saying no.  I wasn't worried till I had hit the 8 week mark and still no sign of morning sickness.  I thought that was a little odd.  Another thing is the word miscarriage kept going through my mind the entire time since I got pregnant.  I just kept brushing it away in my mind because I thought it was just me being worried.  I've always had good, strong babies.  I even started writing on my wall calendar each week that I was progressing in pregnancy.  Every Thursday it would be another week.  I started writing them ahead of time.  I always write all the way up to week 40 for every pregnancy.  It's just fun to stare at it every now and then and count down.  Something told me to stop and so I did.  Then I tried to ignore it by going to week 20.  Then I quit there.  Sigh. Woman's intuition?  I don't know. I know next time I'm pregnant I'm not complaining about morning sickness.  I'm gonna rejoice.  For me it's a sign of a healthy pregnancy. 

I'm sorry to the mommies for all the times I didn't understand what it was like for you to miscarry.  Many a times I've had mommies tell me.  I would tell them I'm so sorry yet not truly understand.  It's so much worse than I thought....

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