Secrets of the Heart

Sometimes it's sooooooooooooooo hard to have a servant's heart.  Some days I want to be selfish when my husband asks if I'll make him some of his favorite lemonade I made from lemon juice.  It'll be right when I'm so happy to finally be done with dinner and cleaning up the kitchen.  He'll ask and everything inside of me wants to say "No, I don't want to make you some lemonade.  Here is the recipe.  Please make it yourself."  That's what'll be in my head.  Instead I'll just say "sure".

That's me, fat with responsibilities
and trying to run the race.  Heh heh.
Looks impossible huh?  Yeah, only
by God's grace.

I know in America things are going more and more equal.  The husbands and wives just both work and serve themselves or work out their own order of things.  Ever since I can remember I was very traditional at heart.  In the class, when we had to write down what we wanted to be when we grew up, I said I wanted to be a homemaker.  I usually got odd looks from my teacher.  It was hard to go to college because there was NOTHING I wanted to go for.  After being coaxed to take computer classes for a year that I completely loathed, I left college. That was torture for me. My only interest was maybe culinary.  Everyone kept thinking it was because I wanted to become a chef.  Nope.  Just wanted to cook great.  Recently I looked into gardening classes because I wanted to learn the science behind growing vegetables and knowing the soil for our own benefit.  

On the days where I feel selfishness rise in me.... I look up at my husband and realize that he gets up and goes to work every day to support his wife and 6 kids.  He does it lovingly whether he feels like it or not.  I may work hard at home and work hard at caring for 6 messy kids.  But I can stop whenever I want, read a book, take a break, read a blog and then get back to work.  I've never once been pressured by him to go work a job.  NEVER.  I love him like CrAzY for it.  We've even downsized one time just so I didn't have to go to work.  We lived in a teeny tiny place.  In due time and through God's blessing we got a house we could afford.  I've tried different ways like it talks about in Proverbs 31 to make some of my own money while at home to help.  Finding little ways here and there to pitch in took so long for me to figure out.  I had to get creative.  (See my ads on my blog?)

I guess the hardest thing for me to beat down (on some days) is my selfishness and secret thoughts of the heart.  Not wanting to serve anymore.  Or wash any more clothes.  Wash another load of dishes.  Reorganize and declutter an area YET AGAIN.  Then I remember that Charles and I are a team.  We are a team working together the best way we know how.  Life doesn't have to be all fun, games and goofing off.  

Sometimes I wish I still lived in the Garden of Eden where everything grew on it's own and in abundance.  I can see myself picking all the flowers I didn't have to care for.  When I get to heaven, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna see a long line of women waiting to talk to Eve.  I'll be in that line.  Not to condemn her of course.  I figure if it wasn't her, eventually some lady would've ruined it.  Likely would've been me so I can't really judge her.  She must have people knocking on her door all the time while enjoying her mansion in heaven.  I can see a lady standing there, fumbling about, looking a little shy but finally asks "Why'd you do it?"  I've thought about this a lot obviously.  Heh heh.  I'll be knocking on her door.  Thankfully she'll be clothed though.  Leaves aren't in style anymore.  Oh, and I want to see what she looks like.  What was God's idea of what the first woman should look like?  Heck, I'm curious then about Adam!  He was taken right from the dirt.  Hmmm.... must've had sandy blonde hair then.  I go more for the superman looking type.  Thankfully God made everyone have creative genes because I got me one.  

I think about odd things like this all the time.  Especially while washing dishes.