Friday, July 17, 2009

My Blogging Friends, I Need Family Advice

Have you ever had family, whether it be close family or in-laws, where no matter what you do, there is always one person who continually insults you? They insult your mothering, insult your decisions, tell you how much they can't stand you, tell you how they've never liked you from the beginning. Imagine at almost every get together, they make sure to make you feel as uncomfortable as possible and give you dagger eyes from across the room. Treat your kids bad or ignore them because they don't like you. Jump at everything you say and somehow twist it to make it a personal insult that you deliberately said to them. In their own mind, it was aimed at them even though you meant it completely different. To top it off, turn the rest of the family against you by constantly spreading lies. Makes family get togethers in general, completely miserable? At least for you? I'm not the first person in the family she has done this to, I'm just the first to not allow the bullying and make a stand.

I made a stand, actually my husband, about 2 months ago. He was tired of seeing the tears when I went home. Tired of seeing the abuse. He cut anyone off that was continually doing this or who had any part in it. Since then, life has been more peaceful. The kids don't ask why they are treated bad when visiting anymore. I don't have this thumb down on me all the time so my heart has been more at peace and so has Charles'. Since shedding all relationships in our life that was continually abusive or exhausting, I can say life has been more enjoyable and relaxing. I am more confident as a mother and wife, which of course affects how you are with them daily. Don't get me wrong, I didn't just CUT them off at first offense. I'm talking 10 years of continual abuse. I did forgive many, many times. We just thought it would be healthier for our family to let go of anyone that was destructive in our lives. Once they are willing to change, we will embrace them with loving arms again. Gladly. That's what we so hope and desire for.

How would you handle it?

Would you do the same?
Would you just say "well, family is family. Just have to keep forgiving and put up with it?
What are your thoughts?


Happy Elf Mom (Christine) said...

Family is family. But I'm sure you didn't cut them off at the first sign of abuse. I'm sure there were plenty of warnings in word or deed. I'm sure this is a decision that was NOT made lightly.

It is sad that having made the decision, that you are more at peace about it. That shows me that it was (at least for now) a necessary decision.

I'm sorry to read this, but like you said, family is family. :[

Anonymous said...

Yes--we have experienced this a bit with DH's parents and sister. Also one of my sisters is very ugly to our mother and to me, because I stick up for Mom and probably because we are so close. Our problems haven't gotten to the level you experienced, but if they did we would have no problem taking a stand. I have virtually no relationship with that sister and no desire to--she did not support our adoption and has had very little to do with us since then. If she doesn't have time for my children--I don't have time for her. I have peace, but still grieve the loss. I think Charles did the right thing. You have to remember the truth and claim peace. Christ says "offer them peace and if they do not accept, shake the dust from your feet and move on" (when he was sending out the 70 disciples, etc.)Your not called to be a door mat! Blessings--Bonnie

Virginia Revoir said...

Thank you for the excellent advice you guys. :)

It's not like it's a few people. It's just one person who constantly torments but family tolerates it so they don't get on her "bad side". I just don't want to let her have that control over me anymore.

I appreciate you giving me some advice and encouragement. ;)

Anthony said...

Sorry a couple days late. I have experienced this with someone also. Not necessarily myself but my wife and one of my children. My sister-in-law happened to be the culprit in being that she played favortism toward my eldest daughter and treated my youngest with contempt (thats how I took it at least). My wife would get scolded on how her mothering wasn't adequate and how she didn't do anything right. I couldn't just hold my tongue although my wife didn't want me to say anything. So what I did was ensure that my voice was heard a little more than usual one morning and basically it forced her to hear everything and she felt obligated to leave the next morning. I don't feel bad about this because my wife finally realized that she was treated poorly. My wife and her sister are better and I get along with her also. Unfortunately, my wife's sister succumbed the same fate for one of her friends did the same to her. She didn't admit it but she called my wife and told her about her little adventure. I think maybe she learned her lesson.

Daddy Forever said...

If it was once or twice, I would just bear it but keep an eye on the kids to be sure they are ok. If they did it all the time, I would cut them off too.

Amber said...

It's so hard cutting family off, even after suffering continued abuse at their hands. In the end you have to decide if the relationship is more harmful than loving and if ending the relationship will make life better or worse. In your circumstance I think you both did the right thing. No one is allowed to mistreat your children or question your mothering. You deserve to be treated with love all the time. I'm sorry she doesn't see that. Hopefully one day she will see the harm she is causing and repent of her ways.