I haven't blogged because nothing bothers me more than being told I am not allowed to blog about a certain thing I'm going through. I have always blogged my heart and for my kids. I love to see the changes and seasons of my life. I am not one to lay my life out on the table for everyone to see but I'm also not one that tries to be fake in any way. I have stalker readers that report me to people or family if I ever say anything they don't like. It's really weird, I know. But a family member will call me up and say, "I got a phone call for so and so and she said you blogged about this." Argh. Drives me crazy.
I'm taking a different direction in my life because I've been at a stand still for a very long time. I want to talk about it without putting anyone or place in a bad light. This place is a very good place. VERY, VERY good place. However, just because a place can function very well, doesn't mean it's perfect. Hello! What place is? :) Sometimes someone can be in the middle of a lot of people and feel completely lonely. Watching people around you make plans with each other for 13 years yet never ask you. Ministry wise, I've always had a strong desire to work with kids. I love kids obviously. I have very good memories of people giving their time and love to training me up in Christ. They have had a huge impact on my life. I would love to give back or pay it forward. I am 34 and still haven't been able to no matter how much I've tried. I've never been a chair warmer. I grew up learning to be involved and go getter. To make things happen. Not just to be an observer and receiver. My parents taught me to be a giver, not just a taker. So why did I feel like I do after 13 years of just being not much more than a chair warmer? Because that's not the kind of person I am. I have tried and tried to get more involved and there just hasn't been room for me to help. God knows I've desired to do more because He's heard my cries and seen my tears. Fortunately, the place I'm going to now has been very, very blessed to have so many giving people that there isn't much room for me to squeeze in somewhere. But I think that's a wonderful problem to have, right? I'm just seriously lonely somehow in the midst of it. I need to feel needed. A part of something. Like I belong. Being a chair warmer has made me feel like an outsider. Partly my fault because I'm not a pushy person that HAS to have my way. I can't be like that. Some women can be very vocal in wanting their way. I will offer but if I get turned down year after year I finally just quit asking. The problem is I feel like I'm fading away and I don't like that feeling.
I'm searching..... waiting..... praying..... Wanting to do what is right. I want to make people happy and stay faithful but without sacrificing myself in the process. If I'm dying on the inside I have to do SOMETHING. In the light of eternity, my relationship with God is the most important ever and if I feel like that is in Jeopardy, I would be a fool not to stop and evaluate. To make a change. Not because I feel like one place is bad and another better, but only because I feel like I fit in better like a puzzle piece that fits. Hope that makes sense because it does to me. :)