I hate to admit weakness. I hate writing about it. I lay here in the darkness listening to Juliet trying to soothe herself to sleep. She is overly tired and fighting to stay awake. I calmly from across the room tell her its okay, hoping it will settle her. I hear three year Caleb in the kitchen having a late night snack of Tortillini soup. I lay in the dark to destress as the doctor ordered me to.
Its next to impossible with a larger family and no older kids. I love this season of my life and never wish my kids older. Sigh. Why do I have to constantly take breaks and lay down? I try to ignore my head, hot flashes, and the lightheadedness I feel. I like to pretend I'm my normal active self. I try to ignore the fact that a string of tests given by a Neurologist is ahead of me. I don't want to pee in a jug for 24 hours and then lug it into a crowded office. I just want to wake up each morning like I always did, have Bible study with the kids, homeschool and then do chores. I love to cook, find new meals to make, and enjoy running around and playing games with the kids. I don't want to have consequences from just taking care of my kids I adore.
No matter how hard my days can be at times, I love every minute and never wish anything away. Having so many kids makes my work load so much harder but I would never trade it for anything. Yes, I deal with attitudes, rebellion, arguing, and laziness. I tell them every single day we will fight against these things and never give up. Its in all of us and I tell them "there go I but for the grace of God."
If I cry, get upset, or stressed, I feel blood rushing to my head. Its the weirdest thing but I don't know why it does that. I wish I could know sooner but it seems to take so long to get seen by a specialist.
My friend holding Caleb
I've been really sad about a friend moving away. The doctor told me to avoid anything stressful. Well, she is in a very stressful situation and it kills me that all I can do is talk to her on the phone. I feel like my limitations were causing me to abandon her. Even talking about this makes my head feel tight again and my throat constrict. I feel like a bad friend right now having to only talk to her and pray. I know prayer is a lot but I hope you know what I mean.