How Church Became My Idol

Whenever something is heavy on my heart I always have to come to my blog.  My blog always has helped me think through tough times or just changes in my life. 

My spiritual and physical life has changed in so many ways that I can't even begin to count my blessings.  I mean, I try to but it's soooo much!  I still deal with old fears but it's lessening as the months go by.  Whenever I talk to old friends that think like I used to, the fears come back.  It's such a heaviness that my heart almost can't carry the weight.  I finally understand the scripture...

"Then Jesus said, Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light."
Matthew 11:28-30

I know to many people they've heard this a thousand times.  To me it's life changing, powerful, and freeing!  Jesus wasn't just throwing out a nice phrase.  It's literal!  Stop focusing on trying to fight your flesh with works.  Focus on drawing nearer to Him and see what happens.  I love this scripture.  :)

I used to hear "my yoke is easy" and think it wasn't easy at all.  I had so many things I had to do to make God happy with me!  To make it to heaven.  Gosh, it was so hard and with my large family I just couldn't do enough things to make God happy.  I began to mentally break down and have serious bouts of depression. I don't mean feeling sad here and there. DEPRESSION where getting out of bed was a chore.  The burden of my works was so heavy that my spiritual back was breaking.  

It's much harder fighting for righteousness when I'm living my life based off of works.  Here is a silly but important example.  The other day I was watching a show on TV while the kids were sleeping.  A part came on that I didn't really feel was good for me to see.  Without even thinking I just got up and got something to eat in the kitchen to let whatever it was pass by.  I mean, I didn't even have to think about it.  To avoid it, I automatically just got up and walked out the room.  While in the kitchen it dawned on me how much something inside of me is beginning to change.  Before, I would have felt much more temptation to see what it was and maybe even fought myself for a bit to watch it.  I was so confident in my works based mentality that I trusted in my own strength to fight against temptations.  I was sure that if I made a mistake I was going to go to hell.  Therefore, when I made a mistake, I felt so condemned I just wanted to give up.  Since I have began to focus on just drawing closer to Jesus, that it's by grace we are saved (not just saving grace but sustaining grace) temptations haven't been able to hit me nearly as strong.  Of course I'm human and humans face temptation but it's almost like the blows are softened.  I always thought that if I had believed in "greasy grace" then I would just fall into every sin possible.   When you truly accept Jesus as your savior, not just for fire insurance (although that'd be my very first reason) but because you have a longing to draw closer to Him and know Him, you'll find that Jesus really didn't intend for serving Him to be heavy and burdensome!

 In fact, before I felt guilty if I missed a church service.  In a way, church became my idol.  I went to church not to make Jesus happy, but to please others around me.  I was going so many times a week because I felt if I didn't, God would be displeased with me or people around me.  I didn't go because I was excited to hear from God.  I went to please man.  I even felt pride in the fact I went so many times a week. That made me holy, right?  At times I snubbed my nose at people because they weren't as faithful as me to all the weekly services.  Yet, I felt horrible guilt if a kid was sick and I couldn't go, I felt an urge to call people around me or post on facebook why I wasn't there. I really, really think "church" can be an idol.  Since I have removed myself from that mindset I have had such a renewing and longing to not only learn about God at church but to study at home.  Yes, I did it at home before but this time was different.  Sometimes I can't wait to sit down study scripture, watch a sermon or listen to one.  Church now isn't the only place to receive but GLADLY in my own personal time.  Now, instead of praying once in the morning and "getting it over with", I find my self praying throughout the day as I see the needs or just want to praise Him!  Once you LOSE THE RULES, you find that relationship you've been longing for all along.

My prayer is that friends or people out there struggling with legalism or a works based mentality might be free from those chains.  I only share because I'm excited for what God is doing in my life and I so long to see others be free!  :)

Living a Purposeful Life and Living with a Terrorizing Toddler

I'm sure there are lots of parents that see things I post about and say, "she'll learn", and, boy, I have and still am!  Parenting has been such an amazing journey for me and through blogging I can see how wildly my views on it have changed.  Back in the early days I used to parrot what other people said about not being your child's friend but their parent.  Well, till my husband told me he'd rather I know my kids than bark orders at them from a distance.  I wasn't a mean parent but I was definitely afraid to build a relationship because I thought it'd be crossing that parent line into friendship.  (Rules without relationship breeds rebellion.)  Now I can honestly say I am enjoying a deep friendship with each and every kid. I might have to hold back on saying that about two year old Juliet for now. She just wants hugs from mommy in between all her terrorizing. 

I'm holding newborn Juliet and Ashley is copying me. Soooo cute.

 I want each day with my kids to be purposeful.  Every day is a new day to learn about stories in the bible and/or something new about God's amazing creation.  A new day to build on the friendships with each other. One of my boys has been extremely hard to train about matters of the heart.  He tends to hold onto things that people did to hurt him.  I realize before I would always focus on the negative when correcting.  This last few months I've turned it around to focusing on all his positives. To show him scripture on the right response rather than using threats and intimidation. Sadly, I've even used the bible as a weapon to scare him into doing what is right.  There is a time and place to talk about the scary stuff but it shouldn't be used in that way.  He would lay awake at night afraid at times.  Makes me sad.  I've gone through a huuuuuge life changing journey in my own faith and personal walk with God.  Now that I see God as an amazing loving father who wants to spend eternity with me rather than this angry being that is on the verge of wanting to flick me into hell, it's completely caused me to change my approach in teaching my children.  The result?  AMAZING!!!!  I saw this boy of mine go from a depressed individual to someone truly learning about love and forgiveness.  Someone who's wanting to help his siblings get closer to God as well.  I mean, it's shocking to see the transformation.  I was depressed and burnt out spiritually and was putting that off onto my kids as well. Thank goodness for new beginnings, right? 

See that mischievous look?  Haha

Juliet the terrorizer is by far the hardest toddler I have ever had.  She makes a beeline for either cat litter, cat food, cat water, toilet A, toilet B, getting on a computer, pouring water on a remote, escaping into the garage, pouring out the bathroom garbages onto the floor, climbing onto the dining table, then back to the cat litter and the toilets.  I mean, she really rotates all of those with no rest in between.  When her nap time comes, and trust me I know when that is, I have to actually sit down with a new cup of coffee in my hand and just breathe. I spend an hour of staring into nothing and sipping my coffee and then the next hour doing laundry because she's not awake to dump my newly folded clothes all over the floor.  Oh, and by the way, she dumps out all of our drawers in our bedrooms as well.  I just know that if I hadn't been raising toddlers for the last 13 years straight I'd be a much heavier woman.  Need exercise? Get a toddler!!  Haha.  Seriously, she's so cute though when she's sleeping.

Speaking of.....Guess who turned 2 today?  Juliet!!!!

Happy birthday, my sweet snuggle muffin!!!

My little innocent newborn Juliet.  :D

Mother's Day Antics, Financial Surprises, and Letters to Genesis

Mother's Day went kind of decent. I didn't get to do some big huuuuuuuge celebration like go to Disneyland a restaurant but I still had a great day. :) I have to admit the highlight of the day was at the Sunday morning church service.  They made mamas feel extra special when coming into the church with muffins, chocolate covered strawberries, coffee, and other yummy treats. They showed a video of them interviewing some kids in the church talking about their mothers.  My daughter Ivy was so hilarious Charles and I were cracking up!  I need to some how get my hands on the video.  All the kids were just sooooo funny!  Some of them I have in my class and even my favorite little redhead was interviewed.  I love these kids.  They are all so amazing.  The message that day was on parenting and he majorly hit it out of the ballpark.  I could barely keep up with writing notes and I filled up the entire page.  Here was something that really stuck out to me.  There are 3 different parenting styles.  1. Authoratative. 2. Permissive. 3. Biblical. I never saw it that way.  I loved it!  I would like to choose biblical.  :)  Rules without relationship breeds rebellion.  My favorite thing he said was (when talking about media), if what we are watching on TV is not something we'd want our kids to watch, should we be even watching it?  I love that because my kids are very sensitive to moral issues and I never want to ignore them when they point out something they see that isn't right.  I love that my kids all turn their eyes away when they see kissing because they know those actors really aren't married.  Stuff like that!  I don't even want to tell them to stop because why would I want to desensitize them?  Kids are very sensitive to God and I don't even want to get in the way of that.

My Mother's Day collage.  Me with all my loves!!!

My huge Mother's Day plans fell through because some crazy financial stuff happened all in one week.  You know, like when you have a blowout and your van tires are so crazy expensive that it feels like you are paying for it by selling your arm or a leg?  Or when you realize that your 6 months insurance plan is up and you didn't see it coming so you have to plunk down money for another 6 months?  Or that summer camp money is due? Yeah!  I need to write that down so I'm not surprised again!  I hate paying monthly insurance because in the end you always pay so much more. It's just more cost effective to pay in advance for it. You get a huge discount.  I was just so happy to have all my kids happy, healthy, and our family doing well.  I had nothing to really even complain about! It's so funny because my husband offered to make lunch for us so I wouldn't have to but he forgot to actually do it. I finally got up and did it when the meat started burning.  Daddy was running around trying to take care of things for me, changing diapers, etc, so he was running in all different directions. He said, "boy, this homemaking stuff is hard!"  Tee hee.... it was so cute I had no problem getting up and just taking over the lunch.  Next year, this mama is eating out for Mother's Day!  Haha.  (In the meantime I'm gonna not forget important financial events so it can happen.)

My mom, nurse, and I on my birth day. :D Thank you, mom!

I thought a lot about baby Genesis yesterday and how much I miss him/her.  I know I say it over and over but I'm just so happy and excited that he/she is waiting for me in heaven.  Even though I get sad at times, having that hope of a reunion just washes away that grief.  I know with Jesus as my Savior I can have that hope of one day meeting Genesis in Heaven.  Boy, I can't wait to buy the movie Heaven is for Real.  I have the book but it's just such a reassurance of what is to come.  I cried in the movie where the mom found out from her son that her baby was in heaven and it was a girl.  After reading the book I realized that she miscarried her baby the same week of pregnancy I did. Yet her son was able to see that not only was it a girl, but the girl knew who her family was and couldn't wait to meet them!  Genesis may not be here on earth but I'm a mom to 8!  So grateful.

"Genesis, after seeing the movie Heaven is for Real, I realize that I really, really, really do get to see you some day and RIGHT NOW you are playing in heaven and you know we are your parents. I only carried you for 9 weeks but I feel like the luckiest mommy in the world that you made me a mommy to now 8 beauties. I'm sooooo blessed to be your mama and I CAN'T WAIT to meet you. I love you like I could never express!"

Decisions on How to Spend 2 1/2 Hours of Quiet Time/Bliss for Any Mom

Tonight I had nursery at church with the babies, toddlers, and 4's and 5's.  Being that I have so many the same age, I always think about what life might be like for people that have like quintuplets or septuplets.  Haha.  I think, "Man, their days would be sooooo busy!"  Haha.  Then I go home to my nice quiet house of seven kids.  Seriously, it IS DIFFERENT.  I have kids from the ages of one to 13 so, yeah, it is different.  One or two in diapers at a time.  Not all at once.  I wish I could take pictures of all the cute little kids in nursery but I definitely have my favorites.  A little redhead boy that's a live wire is definitely one of my faves.  He's like a ball of energy.  Kind of like a super hero with coffee in his system.  Just a dash of mischievousness.  Love him!  My little Juliet is the known escapee of the group.  We have to have the door shut AND a baby gate put up for when she gets past the door.  You thought we had chain locks on all our doors at home to keep the boogie man out huh?  Nope, it's to keep the little curly blond in the house.

I added something into our day that really kind stretches me to my limit.  I seriously don't think I can mentally afford to do any more than what I'm doing right now.  When I say mentally afford I mean, if mommy can't teach and raise kids with joy, then whatever it is that is making mommy a grouch butt has to go.  Whether it's an outside activity or a time consuming person not part of the immediate family.  I don't know whether to rejoice or wince at times.  (It's kinda half and half depending on the day).  There is a church almost next door to us that does a fun after school program, complete with learning and bible study.  Well, that's double dose for my kids because we already hold our own bible studies at home every morning.  I just thought it'd be neat for my kids to meet other kids in the neighborhood.  Plus, they have the opportunity for volunteer work and gardening.  Once a week they are teaching them baseball and another day basketball. They are having so much fun.  However, we have to really be on the ball to get bible study, homeschool, and chores done before 3:30pm when they leave.  Four kids choose to go which means I usually have only one teen and two little ones napping during that time.  For 2 1/2 hours I can either choose to sit and sip coffee with a good book, mop the floor, or just work on dinner or chores.  I mean, seriously... 2 1/2 hours of options!  Haha.  Yes!  However, it's made my day tighter for the other waking hours and I have to stay on top of things big time.

As if I'm Meeting You for the First Time

Dear God,

  I feel as if I never really knew You.  I knew ABOUT You but completely misunderstood everything You've done for me.  I see so much more now.  Did You allow me to go through the valley to let me see how much I desperately needed You?  So I would come looking for You rather than sit back in my chair thinking I already knew it all? I deceived myself thinking I had earned Your favor.  I didn't know that before I was saved, I was a slave to the law.  Once I asked You in my heart, I was under Your grace. All I can say is......

THANK YOU

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

On no, You never let go

Through the calm and through the storm

Oh no, You never let go

Every high and every low

Oh no, You never let go

Lord, You never let go of me

The Law of Grace/Taking Baby Steps in God's Word

I found this amazing app on my phone where I can find series of sermons according to what I really am going through in my life.  It's obvious what I've been talking and thinking about lately.  Daily I'm studying, researching, listening to sermons on it.  I guess what I so hungrily want to know is exactly how God's grace works.  I hear it over and over again about how we are saved by grace.  Well, what about after that?  Are we still earning our salvation?  A friend alerted me that Robert Morris did a whole series on this and I could download his app on my phone to hear any of the sermons anytime.  It's just easier that way because I can't always been on the computer.  I listen to sermons online from my church but this is a subject I've been really studying.  Well, what do you know!  I found 2 particular sermons in the series that answers the questions for me.  I would LOVE to share.

The Law of Grace -by Robert Morris

and

The Gift of Grace -by Robert Morris

I wish I could just embed video here but there wasn't that option.  Wow, wow, and wow!  I just cried and cried listening to both of these sermons.  He said something really powerful in it.  Unless you really have tried to live under the law, how we can't, how heavy it is, impossible, it's hard to understand the need for grace.  I am totally paraphrasing here because it's hard to remember exact words. OH, HOW I VERY MUCH understand what it's like to live under the law and I was dying, was crushed, underneath it.  I thought it was a trip how he mentioned, you know when you are living under the law because one day it just gets so heavy you say you can't do it anymore.  It's just impossible.  It IS impossible!  I went 7 months still bewildered and seemingly running in circles in my mind as to what I believed anymore.  I just didn't really want to think about it anymore because it all seemed overwhelming.... till I began to learn a little bit more about grace.  People that have said I'm full of it and just am making excuses for sin, it's because some think sin is used as a free card to go sin for a day.  They are missing it by a long shot.  The vidoes just really answer so many of those questions.  I implore friends to watch it when you get the chance!  If you download the Gateway church app, you can look up sermons, then series, then Overwhelmed by God's grace.  Or just click on links above. 

____________________________________________________
(Notes from one of the sermons I was listening to)

"Grace...
It is a gift we receive, not a goal we achieve.  God is not waiting to see if you are good enough, if you are good and bad, if you add more good at the end of your life you'll get there.  If you believed in Jesus you have received the gift of grace.  Grace is not cheap but it's free.  It's not cheap because it cost the blood of Jesus.  But it is free.  But there are things that accompany salvation, there are things that happen in our lives, souls and minds because we are saved." -Robert Morris
Titus 2:11

Fighting Kids/From Discouraged Mama to Proud Mama

Yesterday I was a bit discouraged. We were trying to do bible study and I'm not kidding, it's like instantly I have things to battle against.  Usually I battle right through it but this time I just walked out.  The kids were getting along until I said bible study and it's like the atmosphere changed.  This is almost a daily issue.  They LIKE bible study time.  I don't know what it is.  Well, I guess I DO.  It's spiritual.  This time I just walked out.  I was done and I didn't want to battle it again. I didn't even work with them on their homeschool or chores. I went in my room with my babies and stayed in there for an hour.  Then I quietly just starting doing my chores around the house.  It's easy peasy doing chores without homeschool to worry about.  Without enforcing chores with the kids.  I didn't sin with my words at all but the kids could see I was sad.  The more quiet I was the more things they tried to do to see me smile again.  It was actually kinda cute. Ryan made me food as a gift.  Ashley walked up to me and played a song on her harmonica.  The rest started doing their chores on their own.  It was actually really sweet.

View of boys through my kitchen window

While I was doing the dishes I looked out my window and saw some workers digging with shovels in the empty field next to my house.  The church nearby is trying to convert it into a park for kids to play.  I knew it was hot out and thought maybe there was a good life lesson in helping for my boys to learn.  I called the boys over and let them see out the window.  I didn't want to force it because then it wouldn't be true volunteering.  I explained what I've always explained about J.O.Y = Jesus first, Others second, and yourself last.  This was a good chance to help out even though it wasn't easy work.  My boys happily got their shoes on and went over.  They asked them, "what can we do to help?"  They were each given shovels.  I was a happy mommy seeing them through my window as they helped do some hard work.

Ryan and Kyle waiting for camera on right. :)

Almost an hour later a news crew showed up.  The boys came running back to our house because they needed permission to be in the video.  I was like, HUH?  They said they were running a piece about the project that was to be happening there.  Of course I was okay with it and thought it would be such a neat experience for them to see behind the scenes video work.  They worked awhile longer unloading stuff from a truck.  Eventually more kids showed up.  I guess they had planned on some kids doing a painting project and wanted to show kids painting together. Then they had my kids working in the garden beds that have been planted out there and then interviewed Ryan about some peppers that were grown there.  The kids went from going over there for maybe just an hour or two to six hours!  They had such a fun day.  What made me so happy is they had such a right attitude about work with no reward, but somehow ended up being rewarded through some really fun experiences that are exciting and new for them.  :)  I went from being a sad mama to a proud mama pretty quick.

Kyle painting a message on a stepping stone

 The girls even got to run over and paint after the camera crew left.  They were like PAINTING! YES!  I'm not a big fan of painting which is why I hardly can stand to paint the walls in my house.  Argh!

Ivy

Ashley

I Am a Friend of God - Morning Studies With My Kids

Today the  kids and I were having a bible study in the morning which we try to keep as a normal routine.  Lately, I've been so excited to share with the kids when I have been learning in the scriptures.  The mood of our studies have definitely changed over the last few months and our talks much, much more meaningful.

We always start our studies off with praise songs but usually just with us singing together.  I realized I should put my smart tv to use and find praise songs for kids on YouTube.  We could all sing together.  I found the song I am a Friend of God by Israel Houghton. 

John 15:15 ESV          

No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.


James 2:23 ESV        
And the Scripture was fulfilled that says, “Abraham believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness”—and he was called a friend of God.
  
Sometimes I try to be a bit sneaky by throwing in a lesson about what we are currently dealing with behavior-wise.  Today, we just started out with praise songs and when I saw this song I just had to share with the kids some things on my heart about this subject.  It a fun interaction with each other and ended up going for an hour.  That's great!  That means everyone was into the discussion.  Otherwise it is sometimes only 15 minutes.  Each day is different.  :)

An issue I've been really dealing with is sibling rivalry.  Me and the rest of America.  More importantly, the subject of forgiveness.  Many of my kids in the past have said they don't know if God forgives them and they are scared.  I saw them pray to God, confess things to Him, and really pour out their heart.  Yet, they still felt fear.  I really feel that it's hard to give forgiveness when we don't feel forgiven.  It's hard to give love when we don't feel love.  Hurt people hurt others.  I held a lot of bitterness in my heart towards people the last few years because I really didn't understand God's love.  I didn't really believe he forgave me. I didn't UNDERSTAND forgiveness.  So how could I give it?  We've been really, really, really focusing our morning studies around this area.  

  What a blessing it is I get to have all my babies with me throughout the day!  My life is so ABUNDANTLY blessed.  Kyle, my 10 year old, walked up to me today while I was doing my chores asked me, "No really mom, what did you REALLY want to do when you grew up?"  I told him I always wanted to be a mommy.  He was like "yeah right."  For real!  I told him in elementary school we had to stand up and say what we wanted to be and that's what I said.  A mother.  To me that was the best, awesomest, coolest job I could ever have.  :D

Church Easter Egg Hunt 2014

We already did a huge Easter egg hunt last week with our church.  A friend told us to come early because parking would be limited.  So glad we listened!  We signed six up for the hunt out of seven kids.  Chick-Fil-A showed up and gave everyone free chicken sandwhiches... yum!!!!  I guess several companies supported it and gave away some cool prizes.  I'm sure the church bought some of them too.  Fun!  It brought a ton of visitors which is great!

Ivy (8) is in the middle in the blue jeans

Little Juliet won a sand play kit and Ivy won a dozen donuts, a Peter Piper Pizza party, a stuffed bunny, and cotton candy. Wow!  The Easter egg hunt began and it was wiiiiiiild!  The next day, visitors that had been invited to the hunt came to church the next day for the first time.  That is so cool.



Caleb (4) and Kyle (10)

We are soooooo not looking forward to the summer heat here.  No matter what event it is, we always get bad headaches and are in bed for some of the day after.  We all felt really sick and it's not even as hot as it's gonna get!  Argh!  Here I was born and raised here and can't get used to the heat.  I tell my husband all the time I'd be happier here if our backyard was a paradise but that comes with lots of money... Especially in the desert area. Water doesn't come easily around here.  It definitely doesn't come from the sky!  It rains so little here that when it does rain, people walk outside of their houses to see it.  It's so rare and passes so quickly, like in 10 minutes, that you are lucky if you get wet.  :(  I'm a green tree, rain, and hills kinda gal.  I love the city but would love more greenery.

Joy Comes In the Morning - Set Free from The Life of Legalism

*Before you read anything further, know this.  I grew up with a view of the bible that was pretty askew.  I blame this on myself and no one else.  I pieced together my own version of the bible and chose to ignore much of the new covenant that Christ brought.  Of course I knew I was saved by grace, but what about after that?  I believed I had to work hard to keep earning my salvation.  This is not finger pointing at anyone.  Just a work in my own heart I believe God is doing.  I believe He could of done it much earlier on if I had been more open to it and not so determined to create my own Frankenstein faith.  I'll explain....

I don't know how to say this without being super emotional, which is not me.  I hide my tears well.  I feel like God has begun a new work in me.  Truly given me joy I have not known for many, many years.  I used to go to bed in fear every night for my soul.  Yes, I did all the right things as a Christian.  I knew to pray and read my bible.  Go to church every week.  Get involved in extra stuff. I did all those things.  However, I still felt like I was paying for my salvation.  When I did those things, I just felt I never measured up. As a mom to a lot of kids, doing a lot of activities seemed too hard at times.  There are just those days where a kid is sick, or I'm exhausted from a long day, I just felt I couldn't go to an extra event.  Whatever it was, I felt I couldn't keep up.  So if I missed a service or a bible study, I felt so guilty I just knew God was displeased with me for being unfaithful.  Eventually, I burnt out.  I was done.  A dark day had begun for me.  I began to question the existence of God.  I started to question the bible.  Depression began to settle all around me.

Last September I threw in the towel on my faith.  I was confused and couldn't see beyond the current day and it's dark cloud.  At first I was critical of even the existence of God like I said earlier.  Eventually I admitted that of course I knew God was very much alive and real.  He has done some HUGE miracles in my life.  You can't wish away bad kidneys where you need surgery or dialysis.  That was a miracle.  You can't wish away back surgery. I didn't imagine the hours stuck on the floor, not even able to help myself up because of the spasms of pain.  To be freed instantly and free for 15 years is no accident.  That was the healing of God.  So, yes, I know God is real.  I just felt He had turned His back on me.  I hadn't done enough to keep Him happy so he must be done with me.  Okay, so now I admit I know He's real. 

I became quiet......

I quit every single activity of good works and was just STILL.  I went to church, heard from God, sang the praise songs.  That was it.  I was tired and weary.  Slowly through the messages I began to see a light dawning in my darkened, seemingly endless tunnel of depression. Sometimes I would even be sitting in service and a verse not even being discussed in the sermon would jump out at me.  What?  I never saw that before.  How?  I've read the bible through several times.  How could I have not seen this?  Moments like this God was piecing together for me.  Answers I had never seen before.  Still I had the question. Does God love me?  Does He take me as I am right now?  No good works?  The Jenny that doesn't have much to offer?  Just a broken heart?  This is all I have God.  BROKEN.

Over the last seven months of little pieces of the puzzle coming together for me and brought me back around to the cross.  To Jesus and the gift He gave.  NOT the Jesus I had created over the years.  Jesus, the only Jesus, that the Bible speaks of.  Several months ago in my dark days I was given a book called Own It. I just tossed it aside as another religious book in my collection.  Yesterday, around midnight, I started to head toward the dishwasher to load of some dishes before I went to bed.  As I walked towards it, my eyes landed on the book I had tossed aside months earlier.  I felt a drawing to it.  I thought, "Maybe I'll read some of it after I do the dishes."  Then a thought immediately followed, "Dishes can be done later.  If you do the dishes first, you may never read the book."  This time I listened.  I even left the dishwasher open and just headed to the living room with the book and my bible in hand.  With praise music in the background softly playing I opened the book with not a very big expectation.  I've heard it all before, you know?  I was a Christian kid raised in church.  What could I learn from this book?  I was surprised.... Here is a passage that brought me to tears.

Own It 

Leaving behind a borrowed faith

 "The trouble with renting your faith is that it puts all of the reliance for salvation on self effort rather than on God. When that happens you wear out quickly; you feel burnt out and tire easily of the hard work of obedience, which you believe leads to your salvation. This is what happens when you see a hardworking religious person who has walked away from their professed faith. They put all of their hope in their ability to be good, rather than in God Himself. When they run out of strength, they run out of their payment for the faith and end up losing their rental. But when you own it - really own it- you have no need to make payments in order to keep it because it already belongs to you. This is called justification. You don't have to justify yourself by working hard to gain God's approval."

Where did I get such a harsh view of God?  That I had to pay for my salvation?  I don't know.  I blame it on myself. I've had the bible in front of me my whole life.  I think I pieced the bible together the only way I knew how.  I picked and chose what I wanted to see.  Like it says in the book Own It, I was created my own version of a Frankenstein faith.  Not very pretty.  Anytime I saw the word "grace" I  attached the word "greasy" in front of it.  Grace was a dirty word to me.  I couldn't accept it because that was too easy.  In a sense, because I didn't accept the gift, I made myself my own God.  I wasn't serving the God of the bible.  I was serving my own beliefs.  I wore myself out in the process.  I make a pretty lousy god.

I believed my whole life that I was making payments for my salvation.  Now, I NEVER would have said that but deep down I did believe that.  I had to work to please God. I grew upset often when I felt I wasn't paying enough.  I was sure I would easily lose my salvation like you could easily lose a house.  As long as my payments were late, I was in danger of my good standing with God.  34 years of that and I guarantee you that can cause some serious bouts of depression.  

The biggest thing I have learned recently,  I had it all backwards.  I hated the word grace because then I had to really believe God was my loving father.  That He had saved me and I really had to have faith that it was free.  I couldn't believe that before.  I thought grace meant it was a free card to sin whenever.  So I threw the grace word out the window and never uttered it.  Now it was all about how good I was.  How many services I attended.  Extra activities outside of the regular services was like earning extra credit with God.  He had to be pleased now.  Instead, I've understood and accepted His gift.  I am saved, yes by His grace.  But I don't have to get on a treadmill to keep the gift.  Instead of focusing on how good I am, I focus on just getting closer to Him.  By doing that, all those other things fall into place out of a longing..  Yes, I am human.  I WILL make mistakes.  But I don't have to live in fear every night that I've made a big enough payment for that day to escape hell for another day.

Thank you, Jesus, for making Yourself real to me.  Thank you for helping me through the days of sorrow, for bringing me joy once again.  Your strength is made perfect in my weakness.  Please keep ministering to me and revealing more of Your Word to me.  I know now I should have been more focused on knowing You, becoming closer to You.  Not on myself and how many good works I can do.  I now know this was pride and that got in the way.  Please forgive me.  I'm so grateful for Your saving grace.  How sweet it is.  

Back On My Feet

I know it's been awhile since I've posted.  I took a week off from homeschooling.  The first couple of days (after the weekend I miscarried) I pretty much just stayed in bed, cried, was in pain, and not much else.  After those four days I couldn't handle laying down anymore.  I got up and decided to spend the rest of the days off just getting my house together.  My house got TORN APART while I was in bed.  It was bad.  The kids had fun never picking up after themselves and not having mommy remind them to.  I worked so much scrubbing everything my arm had spasms and I couldn't sleep from the pain.  Nobody believes me how bad the house can get when I'm down and out but it can.  Believe me.  Kids that don't go to school mean they are all home and living, playing, and it can add up fast.

I cleaned like I crazy lady.  It was like therapy for me.  I'm no perfectionist.  Ha to that!  But it was keeping myself busy rather than laying around and being sad.  It worked.  I got my house 75% organized in just a few days.  I thought to my self, "my gosh, it's easy to clean when mom doesn't have to homeschool. If my kids were in school I'd have all that time to clean."  I'm not gonna do that though but the thought did cross my mind.  Oh well.  ;) I love having them with me every day!  They may be a lot of work, but I love my job 100% and wouldn't trade it to have them gone just so I can have the perfect thouse.

The other night I had my parents over, actually my mom cooked for us, and it was such a good night.  We played our fun, new game Headbanz.  I love it because it's so simple for a family of all ages.  Even the little guys.  It feels good to be back on my feet again.  A heart a little bit heavier by losing a baby, but I know I have a beautiful someone waiting for me in Heaven.

A Pain I Never Wanted to Understand

Everything's stopped in our house. The cleaning, homeschooling.... I'm just laying down a lot.  The house looks like the pits.  Stomach hurts still and my back.  Today the pain was bad.  Not horrible but enough to make me catch my breath.  Tomorrow I go in to have a look inside through an ultrasound.  Hopefully everything is good and healthy.  I found out today that when I was in bed that day miscarrying, Kyle was standing outside my door crying.  Charles told me that when he rushed home to be with me, he found Kyle like that.  I feel so sad I didn't know.  No matter how I felt, I would have brought him in, pushed away the pain and just hugged him.  Makes me sad.

I'm tired of laying around.  Every time I say I'm done just laying around, I'm knocked back on my back from exhaustion or from pain.  So I'm taking this week and this is the first time I'm not gonna fight it.  I don't ever take a week off from my work.  I don't like doing that.  I have to though because whenever I think about going back to my daily routine I just feel more tired.  Do I really work that hard every day?  Wow.  I guess I'm always so full of energy I can't ever stand to just sit around.  I enjoy being busy.  I told my husband I have no energy and it must be hard for people who always feel like this to be motivated.  He said, "Welcome to my world."  Really?  Wow, that would be hard.  

Since it's only been two days since miscarrying, I hope the energy comes back soon.  I always think I'm fine and then I just break down sobbing several times a day.  How do people just throw away their babies by choice?  Thousands upon thousands?  Oh gosh.  I'm crying over my little 9 week sweetie in the womb and people walk to the abortion clinic like it's going to the dentist.  What has happened to our nation? God, help us!  These are real human beings we are talking about with their very personality and looks written right into their DNA.  My kids' personalities still are a lot like when they were even in my tummy.  Kyle, my wild one, was also wild in my stomach. That boy would use my hip bones as a jumping point.  He was a very painful boy to hold in my tummy.  Guess what?  He's the same way now. 

I had some warning signs about this pregnancy not going well.  First off, I had told Ivy in the beginning that I would soon start to have morning sickness.  I've always had it with every pregnancy.  She asked me almost every day of those few weeks if I had started getting sick.  I kept saying no.  I wasn't worried till I had hit the 8 week mark and still no sign of morning sickness.  I thought that was a little odd.  Another thing is the word miscarriage kept going through my mind the entire time since I got pregnant.  I just kept brushing it away in my mind because I thought it was just me being worried.  I've always had good, strong babies.  I even started writing on my wall calendar each week that I was progressing in pregnancy.  Every Thursday it would be another week.  I started writing them ahead of time.  I always write all the way up to week 40 for every pregnancy.  It's just fun to stare at it every now and then and count down.  Something told me to stop and so I did.  Then I tried to ignore it by going to week 20.  Then I quit there.  Sigh. Woman's intuition?  I don't know. I know next time I'm pregnant I'm not complaining about morning sickness.  I'm gonna rejoice.  For me it's a sign of a healthy pregnancy. 

I'm sorry to the mommies for all the times I didn't understand what it was like for you to miscarry.  Many a times I've had mommies tell me.  I would tell them I'm so sorry yet not truly understand.  It's so much worse than I thought....

My Miscarriage Story at 9 Weeks

I'm a writer not for attention. I just write for my heart.  When I write it's very much like therapy for me.  So please know if I'm writing about something hard I'm going through, it's not for attention.  I just have to.

Right now I feel shaky and sick.  Since miscarrying a day ago, to my surprise I feel exactly like after I have a baby full term. My back and stomach hurt.  All for such a tiny little one that only made it 9 weeks.  :(  Doing much of anything feels like I hiked a mountain.  Finally I had to take some heavy meds to take away the pain and finally it worked.  I never resort to it but it had been prescribed for me for ulcers before getting pregnant.  I just never took them because I won't take anything above a regular Tylenol if I can bear the pain.  Just a good rule for me so it's there when I really need it which is maybe once a year.  I needed it today and yesterday. :P

Wednesday I was using the restroom and noticed some pink blood. Right away I thought, "Uh oh."  I never get that with any of my pregnancies. I've never spotted. I was definitely worried and was determined to call doctor first thing in the morning.  The next morning I called them and they immediately scheduled for me to come in.  The bleeding had gotten progressively worse and was now bright red.  Charles rushed home from work so I could go get an ultrasound.  I was very nervous when I got there and didn't want to see screen.  I did but I didn't.  It's a beautiful dim lit room with a big screen on the wall for mom's to easily see.  I couldn't help it.  I had to look.  I saw a beautiful little baby next to a yolk sac. I was sick waiting for her to say whether or not she saw a heart beat.  She said she saw a flicker and tried to see closer.  I was happy but still worried because to me the flicker of the heart didn't seem very fast.  She got a heart rate around 58 bpm which is only half of what it should be. She thought maybe she was wrong so had me hold my breath while she kept measuring and measuring.  It wasn't good.  Also, baby was measuring small for 9 weeks.  Baby was alive but obviously struggling.  I watched that tiny heart flicker and my heart wanted so bad to tell it to speed up!

The nurse had me go into a consult room.  Uh oh.  I've never been to that consult room I had always seen before.  I've always been in the examination room with my healthy pregnancies.  Whenever I would pass the consult room I would look at it and feel bad for the mommies that might hear bad news in there. Now it was my turn.  A lovely doctor came in and sat down next to me. She said the prognosis was not good and most likely baby was dying. She said to prepare for a weekend miscarriage and told me what to look out for.  I half listened because I didn't want to believe it.  I got up and walked out with a heavy heart.  

I called my husband as I was driving home to give him the news.  We both were sad.  Then I told my mom. Then I just didn't want to talk anymore.  I laid down on the bed.  I was holding my bladder, not wanting to go to the restroom, because every time I did I had to see more blood. I figured if I just didn't go potty and see the blood then nothing bad would happen. 

I called my parents and asked if I could go somewhere with them that night.  I had to get out of the dreaded house where I thought something bad might happen.  We had so much fun going to Rustlers Rooste, hearing the bands play, and eating steak. What a lovely night!  My heart was carefree forgetting about everything.  Then I had to go to the bathroom at the restaurant Now I was not having to use a pad because bleeding was more.

Once I went home I felt it was time to face the music.  I felt resolved to what was going to happen.  I laid down and looked on my facebook.  A sweet friend and her husband had written me a long letter about faith.  Not just accepting whatever bad new I hear.  At least pray.  They were right.  I had just given up without even praying but just a little bit.  I was quick to be defeated.  I have seen God heal my babies before right in the womb. I had seen God spare baby Juliet when my body was trying to miscarry her at 11 weeks.  I had seen God help me while almost going into labor with Caleb at 7 months.  Major miracles.  The doctors even called them miracles.  Why not for this one?  The baby at least deserved mommy to fight at well for this one.  I stayed up and prayed and prayed.  I would fall asleep praying and then wake up and pray some more. Then I turned on my TV to my recorded preaching messages of Robert Morris, The Blessed Life.  It just so happened the only sermon I hadn't watched was about The Power of Prayer.  I forced myself to pull out my bible late at night and watch the sermon. I prayed till I fell asleep late into the night.  Now whatever happened I felt I had at least placed it into God's hands and not man's. 

That night I dreamt I watched as the baby's heart dropped.  I felt as if I was literally watching her die right before me on a screen.  Just as the baby was dying in my dream I woke up and it was morning.  I kissed my husband goodbye as he left for work.  I mentioned to him I would miss him terribly.  It was a long day ahead of me not knowing what was gonna happen.  I just laid in bed drifting in and out of sleep.  A few hours later I felt a twinge of pain in my stomach.  Uh oh.  The doctor said it would be like menstrual cramps so that's what I was looking out for.  When I started having to breathe thru the pain I began to cry and cry.  I knew what was happening.  My baby had died just like I dreamt.  I called Charles and he rushed home.  Thank goodness because there was to be another 2 hours of contractions and I needed someone to be with the kids.  This was NO menstrual cramps but like stage 2 of labor for me.  For me, first stage is menstrual cramp type pain.  Second stage is breathing thru real contractions.  But just like a friend said, not over the whole stomach but in small area.  It was extremely painful.  Finally I took some heavy medicine for pain but it didn't even touch the pain.  When contractions subsided I fell asleep for 2 hours.  When I woke up I passed a huge blood clot.  It wasn't the baby.  The clot was like the size of a small orange.  It was huge.  I laid back down and a couple more hours later I passed something else and this time it was the placenta with baby.  I pretty sure baby was with it but I just couldn't tell.  Doctor said some can see baby real easy and some can't. I couldn't as well so I kept it all together.  I cried and cried.  I told the baby I loved him/her and placed it in a container.  

I fell back asleep and woke up to hearing my husband crying and saw him writing a letter to the baby. He said he wanted to name the baby Genesis.  I had mentioned the name before to him before knowing I would miscarry.  I told him I was sorry I lost his baby but we both knew the baby just struggled and couldn't make it.  I was exhausted and just laid in bed for rest of the night.  the whole ordeal was exhausting and nothing like the nurse and simply told me.  Much harder.  Kinda would have been nice to have a heads up .  :P  Maybe for some it's just like menstrual cramps.

Today I woke up and didn't want to be home.  I called my parents and went out to breakfast with them.  Then my husband and kids took me out.  Charles bought me a maternity shirt.  It didn't make me feel sad.  I knew he was doing it to show me I would have another baby some day.  I wanted Genesis but I accepted the shirt as a gift.  He just has such a sweet heart.  I tried to just feel happy by being away but it only worked for a short time.  I desperately missed baby Genesis.  I knew he/she was at home in a little container with a love letter, rose, and a newborn baby hat they'd never wear inside.  Finally I went home but my body was exhausted and in pain from not just taking it easy in bed.  I'll take the hint.  I can't run from it and just need to lay down.  Let my body just heal.  I fell asleep for a several hours but woke up in the middle of the night to write this letter.  Feeling shaky but I had to write it.  Maybe some mommy out there reading this and going thru the same thing can find someone who relates.

I may have only been 9 weeks pregnant but we had already picked out baby names, laughed and dreamt about this baby.  Charles and I mentioned how we couldn't WAIT to meet him or her in November.  I was barely pregnant and we were so impatient!  :)  Charles and I love EVERY single baby God gives us.  No matter how tiny.  We truly feel we have just missed out on another beautiful baby with a personality built right into him/her.  A PERSON we won't know till we are in Heaven. 

I love you, baby Genesis.  I CAN'T wait to meet you but I have seven beautiful blessings here to care and love.  I promise, promise, promise we'll be reunited again.  I love you, so, so, so much and I will sing to you every year.  Your birthday into Heaven is April 4, 2014. I won't forget it.  I know I've said it a hundred times but I LOVE YOU.

Love, Mommy

Goodbye My Little One

Dear little one, 

I've technically only known you for 7 weeks because they calculate pregnancy with an extra 2 weeks tagged on. I'm writing you now because I know my womb is still caressing you before letting you go to your home in Heaven. My body is painfully working to let you go with contractions every two minutes. 

I've loved every single day you've been in my tummy. I loved picking out names and dreaming with your siblings about what you might be like. I loved hearing the kids excitedly talking about you. They know Jesus is taking you home and they are crying. They love you so much. I told them we can see you again but we will miss you till then. 

Two days ago I started bleeding and worriedly called the doctor. They quickly brought me in to see how you were doing. I saw your precious little body. I saw your heart beating. I also saw how hard your heart was working to keep going. I knew before the doctor told me that you were having a hard time. I'm so happy, so, so happy I got a chance to see your little heart beating before saying goodbye. Wow, what a privilege. You are adorable. 

It was hard for me to accept I wouldn't get to meet you in November like planned. I so much couldn't wait to meet you that I was wondering how I was gonna make it till then. I already couldn't wait to hold you and being you were still so little, I was in a bit of a rush! 

Please tell our loved ones in Heaven hello. They get to see you before me. While you are there, know that you have seven other siblings that you'll one day get to meet. What a big reunion we will have!!!

Daddy said he's naming you Genesis because your life is just beginning even though your new home is in Heaven. He's such a sweet daddy. He talked to you in my tummy almost every morning before work. 

Hugs and kisses, little baby. I love you so much. I promise I'm coming eventually. You are my 8th baby wonder and I loved every single day with you. I will miss you so bad.

Love, Mommy

No Time to Waste- Learning How to Say No

I have been blogging for 8 years!  Wowee!!! 

 Here is a picture of my son Chaz (who is now 13) six months after I started blogging.  Soooo little!  Haha. 

My days have been so filled with homeschool, chores, laundry, dishes, cooking, and playing that I can scarcely think to even sit down and blog.  However, after a few days pass I get this longing to write again.  It's strong!  I've always journaled my life since I was in elementary school.  Always privately in a book but writing is writing.  To me I write this blog just because I love to write.  I don't write for an audience.  I have to say though that in the process of blogging for 8 years I have met some amazing bloggers!!!  I never would of thought I would blog so infrequently just because I have seven kids.  I think the difference is my priorities have changed extremely.  I just have an order to my day that I don't mess with and change for no one.  Well, most of the time.  Lately, I have been having to fight for our school time.  I guarantee you, and I bet a lot of stay at home moms get this, the whole world seems to think I have all this free time because I'm at home.  People think I have it so easy and I can always take on all this extra stuff for every one.  Lately I have been fighting for my kids and family.  School at home absolutely comes first no matter what.  Unless someone is in desperate need and it's a true emergency.  

 

My first Christmas blogging and this is Kyle at 3 years old (2006). We lived in a tiny two bedroom apartment with three kids while our house was getting built.

As of right now I only have three kids that will be done with their homeschool by May.  The other two will not be done on time.  My rule is that you do not move forward in the lesson unless you completely understand it.  I have to say though that the other reason is I've taken off so many days to help other people.  I just can't do it anymore.  My kids' schooling can't suffer in the process.  I use my summers free of homeschooling to do some extreme couponing and organization with my extra time.  Not happening this summer.  We will be schooling completely through the summer with the last two.  I'm gonna give it some serious thought to put my two older boys through Connections Academy online this upcoming school year.  They would have a teacher and online meetings with them.  I need my boys to step it up in the Junior High grades and I think maybe we'll try it out.  We absolutely HATED K12 and their domineering ways so we are a bit gun shy about trying another version.  A few years ago when we were trying out K12, they were encouraging me to drop my kids off at a local YMCA for 4-6 hours to learn with a teacher.  I asked, "You call that homeschool?  You're kidding me, right?"  They talked down to me like I was the idiot.  I can't believe how many homeschool moms were falling for it.  To me it was basically another public school.  I was astonished that they also wanted school to start at 6am.  Yeeeeah right!  Hopefully they changed that. 

 

An old photo of our house (2006) getting built in first year of blogging

I'm starting to learn what night owls all my family is and we are adjusting our schedules.  We used to put our kids to bed at 7:30pm every night.  I have to admit it was heavenly.  It works good when your kids sleep almost 12 hours straight through.  Well, my older ones don't now.  The only ones that do that now are Ashley (6), Caleb (4), and Juliet (almost 2).  They actually put themselves to sleep at that time.  They all just climb right into their beds and pass out.  Gee, I wish it was that easy with my first four kids.  Kids have to be in their rooms by 9pm but I don't expect them to fall asleep.  As long as they are quiet and stay in their rooms.  We all like to wake up around 8:30am.  Late mornings at 9am.  Yay!  Charles says he wishes he could do the same!  Ha.  Poor Charles.  :D  He's always been a night owl as well. 

Little Ivy 2006. I was newly pregnant with Ashley here.  Needing bigger house!

 

My silly three boys with diapers on their head December 2006

14 Kids and Pregnant Again! Duggar's Original Documentary

The hardest part about being so in tune to my body and knowing I was pregnant since I was only one week along is... I'm only at 6 weeks!  Haha!  It's going by so slow! That's okay.  I think there is a reason a woman's body takes 9 months.  Not only does their body get ready but mommy's mind has to get ready.  I have 8 more months to process the fact that I'll no longer sleep good yet again at night.  I'll be nursing a lot and getting adjusted.  Not that big of deal though.  :)  Done it a few times.  It actually gets more and more enjoyable because the selfishness has died soooo long ago.  At least it should!

I'm soooo excited that a new season of the Duggar's 19 Kids and Counting is coming out on April 1st.  It's such an encouraging show to me.  I've seen them since it was just 14 Kids and Pregnant again.  It's such a cool video and their style has changed so much I'm gonna post it here!  Haha.

14 Kids and Pregnant Again Part 2

14 Kids and Pregnant Again Part 3

14 Kids and Pregnant Again Part 4

14 Kids and Pregnant Again Part 5

I always figure if what they do can work for 19 kids then it can definitely work for my 7 kids.  Often I've taken organizational ideas and homeschooling tips from them.  They are the reason I use Switched on Schoolhouse with some of my kids.  It is such a good program for a large amount of kids homeschooling.  It's expensive to buy at first but you can use it for each kid after.  I love those old vidoes!