Working Slowly to Becoming a Minimalist

I have cleared out so much stuff in my house but I'm working towards becoming a minimalist.  My sister already has it down pat but it's still rocket science for me.  I have been trying and trying to work on it for months.  I still have much clutter in closets and cupboards.  Sigh.  However, if we all work as a team we can get the house cleaned up super fast.  It used to be that it would take much, much longer because of all the clutter.  Have you ever seen any of the shows about gypsy lives? The only reason why I love it is I'm watching how they function with so little stuff and they have large families. Cleaning is so, so, so simple.  However, I can't seem to find a website that actually give a how to, like a guide.  I don't like talking about it.  Just give me the steps.  If anyone wants to enlighten me, I would love to find a website!  :D

Because of Juliet mainly, our walls in the house look horrid.  It's time for us to paint again.  I am terrible about picking out paint because I always do the wrong color.  In fact, I need to just call my sister and ask her.  She's like the beautiful version of Martha Stewart but without the jail time.  We also need a good cleaning of all the carpets.  We need a new couch, a new bed for Charles and I, and now a new 12 passenger van.  It died.  So, yay for us!  :D  Yeah, lots of work needed around here.


Side note:
Oh, my heart hurts.  I would be due soon with baby Genesis if I hadn't miscarried.  I still cry at least every other week.  I can't go near where I buried the baby because I'll bawl.  I have flowers and it's gated off from everything so no one can trample the area.  My baby.  Today I have a 10 week scan to make sure this baby in my stomach is growing properly.  I'm very nervous.

My Scare at 6 Weeks Pregnant

I haven't written in a few days because I had a scare.  I'm only six weeks pregnant but about 4 days ago I started bleeding and my stomach hurt.  I thought, "Uh oh, here we go again."  Out of fear I was going to lose this baby just like Genesis, I cried and cried on my bed.  I eventually came out and ask the kids to pray for me.  They were quick to.  They vividly remember surrounding me on the bed when I was in pain letting go of Genesis.  When I asked, they all gathered in a circle holding hands and prayed their hearts out for this baby.

Feeling in limbo, I mostly laid around and DREADED going to the bathroom.  Everytime I did for two days it was a reminder of the bleeding.  I put a post out on facebook asking for prayer.  Soooo many people responded.  I know some people say they also bled in their pregnancy.  The reason I was scared was because bleeding was following the pain in my stomach.  Like a cramping.  That is a very bad sign and it was identical to my last experience.  

My mom taking the girls during my doctor's visit

I hate feeling like my life is on hold but not knowing what to do, I mostly did nothing.  I could only think about this little one.  I had hoped that even though the baby is teeny tiny that maybe if I did nothing, it'd be safe.  I know more than likely, if I lost a baby it just meant something was wrong with the baby.  I don't know.

Eventually I went to the ER with a heavy heart and prepared for the worst.  They gave me an ultrasound to make sure the baby had a heart beat.  Can you believe that when most people find out they are pregnant, there is already a heartbeat?  I mean, I'm only 6 weeks and I saw that teeny little baby's heart beating on the screen.  Wow.  Even better, it was a good heart rate.  They gave me another Rhogam shot since I was bleeding.  Of course they sent me papers home about a possible miscarriage.  Still, after seeing that heartbeat, I had hope.  

My heart broke when I found out my high risk pregnancy doctor dropped me because she didn't feel I was high risk anymore.  She said I've had lots of healthy babies and there was nothing to worry about.  Well, I had to be off and running to now find a brand new doctor I've never had.  Argh.  I don't like this process because I've had a BAD one before that we almost took to court for some very bad things she did.  I almost lost a baby at 28 weeks 5 years ago because of her negligence.  I was scared in meeting a new one now.

After two days of bleeding it stopped. I held my breath in hopes it would stay that way.  Two days later the bleeding hasn't returned but, ohhhh, how scary. At first I was preparing my heart to lose another baby but then decided that it was not at all faith to be like that.  I fully remember how much faith I had last time and still lost Genesis but then decided that no matter what happens, I need to understand that God is in control.  He has my Genesis with Him right now.  And whatever happens with this baby, God is so good.  Whether I have this baby here on earth or someday in heaven, that's still a beautiful child of mine I've been gifted with!  

I saw my new doctor today.  Oh boy, what a type A personality she has which scared me right off the bat.  I like successful people and all that are go getters but some can be rude without meaning to be.  Or they come off as blunt.  But she slowly won my heart over when she said "Oh, have as many babies as you want.  That's your business and no one else's!"  Ha.  She's blunt all right.  But she's great towards large family mamas which is what I needed.  Funny enough, even though my other doctor dropped me, this doctor will be sending me to my old doctor for some visits and scans since I'm 35 years old and pregnant.  So ha!  My other doctor has me partially back.  However, I was feeling a bit old as a pregnant mom being I have to go somewhere special because of my age. 

I'm praying for a full term, healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. :)  Would you please pray with me?

Pregnancy Blessing After Loss

Unless my body is tricking me, I took 2 pregnancy tests and they came out positive.  I was starting to wonder about my body after the miscarriage in early April.  

Two nights ago I had a dream that I was pregnant and then my husband got a $1.50 raise.  I woke up with a smile because, yeah, that's a happy dream!  Haha.  Last night I just randomly bought some pregnancy tests but didn't think I was pregnant.  Well, I had my suspicions but lately I haven't been trusting my body too much.  I felt like it had dealt me a bad blow this last pregnancy. Well, it immediately came out positive even though I'm so early. So I took another one this morning and, yep, it was positive just as quickly!  

I jumped up and down and told my husband who was just as excited.  In fact, I don't remember him being THIS excited before.  I mean, he's always been really happy but I saw how hard the miscarriage was on him as well.  One day, not long after losing Genesis I was moping around and grumpy.  I was being short with him and he said, "Don't you think I'm hurting too?  Don't you think I miss Genesis?"  That broke my heart.  I always hear women talking about pregnancy loss but I've never thought to think how the husband is hurting too.  I realized how selfish I was acting and stopped being so rude.  Well, he was REALLY excited when I told him about this time.  Can you tell by his text in the picture?  Tee hee....

Well, one half of my dream came true, that raise would be awesome.  Just sayin'!  No matter, God has always provided.  I'm sooooo richly blessed in so many ways and I'm not talking just about material ways. God is so good.

Don't You Feel Seven Kids is Enough?

I'm in such a weird stage of my life.  I never thought about it coming.  EVER.  I'm 35 and I've been blessed with 7 beautiful, fun, amazing, challenging, heart wrenching, adventurous kids.  One is in heaven, although it's heartbreaking, I'm excited to meet someday.  ;) 

Last week I dismantled the crib for the first time in 14 years.  Not super excited about it.  Why am I feeling that way?  Aren't some parents happy to get out of those diaper and crib stages?  Doesn't it mean less physical slavery work but more drama? (Older kids come with more drama.)  Ha.  I wasn't happy about putting the crib in the garage.  I was sad. I love the little pitter-patter of the feet across the house.  I love the kisses and babbling.  I don't care about all the diaper changes.  I've never had a break so far for 14 years and that's just fine with me.  

On the other side of it, no more babies means less work, less sleepless nights, no strollers, no diapers, no crib, no packing a diaper bag, no nursing, no binkies, no bottles.....

I don't know...... I'm extremely content.  The weirdest thing is before I got pregnant with baby Genesis that we lost, I constantly was setting out 10 dinner plates.  We'd be sitting at the table and I'd look around to see who was missing.  It would dawn on me that we are only a family of nine.  I'm talking about for months I did this.  Once I got pregnant and lost the baby, I've never accidentally done this again. Weird, huh?  My heart hurts thinking about never, ever having a little baby in my tummy again.  Never again experiencing the miracle of birth. I don't mind waking up to those newborn cries a zillion times a night.  I'm so used to it now.  And believe me, it's not baby fever.  I have person fever.  Every single kid I have is so uniquely different that I just love learning about each one of them and I love their differences!  It's so fun to see all the different personalities.
 

 

I'm sure lots of people go through these feelings.  I just don't personally know anyone.  If I express these feelings to people in my life they'd most likely say, "Well, don't you feel seven is enough?"  When did it ever become a number?  They are not a group to me.  I know each and every kid personally.  I make it a point to spend personal time with each one.  And boy, I enjoy it!  Yes, it's sooooo much work.  Yes, housekeeping is a battle for me because it's getting messy as we're cleaning.  Okay, so what?  Who said a perfect house even matters?  Good grief.  I love toys strewn across my house.  It shows we love living.  A perfect house just feels unlived in and kind of empty.  Besides, I have no friends that are perfectionists.  I find that personality a bit annoying.  (Sorry if I offended anyone).   I'm not saying I like it messy but to me there is a balance.  If you randomly show up at my house, it's gonna look lived in. 

When is it time to move forward?  I thought by now it'd be so obvious to me.  People have told me many, many times that you'll always just know when you are done.  Well, good grief, I'm still waiting for that definite feeling.

Mother's Day Antics, Financial Surprises, and Letters to Genesis

Mother's Day went kind of decent. I didn't get to do some big huuuuuuuge celebration like go to Disneyland a restaurant but I still had a great day. :) I have to admit the highlight of the day was at the Sunday morning church service.  They made mamas feel extra special when coming into the church with muffins, chocolate covered strawberries, coffee, and other yummy treats. They showed a video of them interviewing some kids in the church talking about their mothers.  My daughter Ivy was so hilarious Charles and I were cracking up!  I need to some how get my hands on the video.  All the kids were just sooooo funny!  Some of them I have in my class and even my favorite little redhead was interviewed.  I love these kids.  They are all so amazing.  The message that day was on parenting and he majorly hit it out of the ballpark.  I could barely keep up with writing notes and I filled up the entire page.  Here was something that really stuck out to me.  There are 3 different parenting styles.  1. Authoratative. 2. Permissive. 3. Biblical. I never saw it that way.  I loved it!  I would like to choose biblical.  :)  Rules without relationship breeds rebellion.  My favorite thing he said was (when talking about media), if what we are watching on TV is not something we'd want our kids to watch, should we be even watching it?  I love that because my kids are very sensitive to moral issues and I never want to ignore them when they point out something they see that isn't right.  I love that my kids all turn their eyes away when they see kissing because they know those actors really aren't married.  Stuff like that!  I don't even want to tell them to stop because why would I want to desensitize them?  Kids are very sensitive to God and I don't even want to get in the way of that.

My Mother's Day collage.  Me with all my loves!!!

My huge Mother's Day plans fell through because some crazy financial stuff happened all in one week.  You know, like when you have a blowout and your van tires are so crazy expensive that it feels like you are paying for it by selling your arm or a leg?  Or when you realize that your 6 months insurance plan is up and you didn't see it coming so you have to plunk down money for another 6 months?  Or that summer camp money is due? Yeah!  I need to write that down so I'm not surprised again!  I hate paying monthly insurance because in the end you always pay so much more. It's just more cost effective to pay in advance for it. You get a huge discount.  I was just so happy to have all my kids happy, healthy, and our family doing well.  I had nothing to really even complain about! It's so funny because my husband offered to make lunch for us so I wouldn't have to but he forgot to actually do it. I finally got up and did it when the meat started burning.  Daddy was running around trying to take care of things for me, changing diapers, etc, so he was running in all different directions. He said, "boy, this homemaking stuff is hard!"  Tee hee.... it was so cute I had no problem getting up and just taking over the lunch.  Next year, this mama is eating out for Mother's Day!  Haha.  (In the meantime I'm gonna not forget important financial events so it can happen.)

My mom, nurse, and I on my birth day. :D Thank you, mom!

I thought a lot about baby Genesis yesterday and how much I miss him/her.  I know I say it over and over but I'm just so happy and excited that he/she is waiting for me in heaven.  Even though I get sad at times, having that hope of a reunion just washes away that grief.  I know with Jesus as my Savior I can have that hope of one day meeting Genesis in Heaven.  Boy, I can't wait to buy the movie Heaven is for Real.  I have the book but it's just such a reassurance of what is to come.  I cried in the movie where the mom found out from her son that her baby was in heaven and it was a girl.  After reading the book I realized that she miscarried her baby the same week of pregnancy I did. Yet her son was able to see that not only was it a girl, but the girl knew who her family was and couldn't wait to meet them!  Genesis may not be here on earth but I'm a mom to 8!  So grateful.

"Genesis, after seeing the movie Heaven is for Real, I realize that I really, really, really do get to see you some day and RIGHT NOW you are playing in heaven and you know we are your parents. I only carried you for 9 weeks but I feel like the luckiest mommy in the world that you made me a mommy to now 8 beauties. I'm sooooo blessed to be your mama and I CAN'T WAIT to meet you. I love you like I could never express!"

Back On My Feet

I know it's been awhile since I've posted.  I took a week off from homeschooling.  The first couple of days (after the weekend I miscarried) I pretty much just stayed in bed, cried, was in pain, and not much else.  After those four days I couldn't handle laying down anymore.  I got up and decided to spend the rest of the days off just getting my house together.  My house got TORN APART while I was in bed.  It was bad.  The kids had fun never picking up after themselves and not having mommy remind them to.  I worked so much scrubbing everything my arm had spasms and I couldn't sleep from the pain.  Nobody believes me how bad the house can get when I'm down and out but it can.  Believe me.  Kids that don't go to school mean they are all home and living, playing, and it can add up fast.

I cleaned like I crazy lady.  It was like therapy for me.  I'm no perfectionist.  Ha to that!  But it was keeping myself busy rather than laying around and being sad.  It worked.  I got my house 75% organized in just a few days.  I thought to my self, "my gosh, it's easy to clean when mom doesn't have to homeschool. If my kids were in school I'd have all that time to clean."  I'm not gonna do that though but the thought did cross my mind.  Oh well.  ;) I love having them with me every day!  They may be a lot of work, but I love my job 100% and wouldn't trade it to have them gone just so I can have the perfect thouse.

The other night I had my parents over, actually my mom cooked for us, and it was such a good night.  We played our fun, new game Headbanz.  I love it because it's so simple for a family of all ages.  Even the little guys.  It feels good to be back on my feet again.  A heart a little bit heavier by losing a baby, but I know I have a beautiful someone waiting for me in Heaven.

A Pain I Never Wanted to Understand

Everything's stopped in our house. The cleaning, homeschooling.... I'm just laying down a lot.  The house looks like the pits.  Stomach hurts still and my back.  Today the pain was bad.  Not horrible but enough to make me catch my breath.  Tomorrow I go in to have a look inside through an ultrasound.  Hopefully everything is good and healthy.  I found out today that when I was in bed that day miscarrying, Kyle was standing outside my door crying.  Charles told me that when he rushed home to be with me, he found Kyle like that.  I feel so sad I didn't know.  No matter how I felt, I would have brought him in, pushed away the pain and just hugged him.  Makes me sad.

I'm tired of laying around.  Every time I say I'm done just laying around, I'm knocked back on my back from exhaustion or from pain.  So I'm taking this week and this is the first time I'm not gonna fight it.  I don't ever take a week off from my work.  I don't like doing that.  I have to though because whenever I think about going back to my daily routine I just feel more tired.  Do I really work that hard every day?  Wow.  I guess I'm always so full of energy I can't ever stand to just sit around.  I enjoy being busy.  I told my husband I have no energy and it must be hard for people who always feel like this to be motivated.  He said, "Welcome to my world."  Really?  Wow, that would be hard.  

Since it's only been two days since miscarrying, I hope the energy comes back soon.  I always think I'm fine and then I just break down sobbing several times a day.  How do people just throw away their babies by choice?  Thousands upon thousands?  Oh gosh.  I'm crying over my little 9 week sweetie in the womb and people walk to the abortion clinic like it's going to the dentist.  What has happened to our nation? God, help us!  These are real human beings we are talking about with their very personality and looks written right into their DNA.  My kids' personalities still are a lot like when they were even in my tummy.  Kyle, my wild one, was also wild in my stomach. That boy would use my hip bones as a jumping point.  He was a very painful boy to hold in my tummy.  Guess what?  He's the same way now. 

I had some warning signs about this pregnancy not going well.  First off, I had told Ivy in the beginning that I would soon start to have morning sickness.  I've always had it with every pregnancy.  She asked me almost every day of those few weeks if I had started getting sick.  I kept saying no.  I wasn't worried till I had hit the 8 week mark and still no sign of morning sickness.  I thought that was a little odd.  Another thing is the word miscarriage kept going through my mind the entire time since I got pregnant.  I just kept brushing it away in my mind because I thought it was just me being worried.  I've always had good, strong babies.  I even started writing on my wall calendar each week that I was progressing in pregnancy.  Every Thursday it would be another week.  I started writing them ahead of time.  I always write all the way up to week 40 for every pregnancy.  It's just fun to stare at it every now and then and count down.  Something told me to stop and so I did.  Then I tried to ignore it by going to week 20.  Then I quit there.  Sigh. Woman's intuition?  I don't know. I know next time I'm pregnant I'm not complaining about morning sickness.  I'm gonna rejoice.  For me it's a sign of a healthy pregnancy. 

I'm sorry to the mommies for all the times I didn't understand what it was like for you to miscarry.  Many a times I've had mommies tell me.  I would tell them I'm so sorry yet not truly understand.  It's so much worse than I thought....

My Miscarriage Story at 9 Weeks

I'm a writer not for attention. I just write for my heart.  When I write it's very much like therapy for me.  So please know if I'm writing about something hard I'm going through, it's not for attention.  I just have to.

Right now I feel shaky and sick.  Since miscarrying a day ago, to my surprise I feel exactly like after I have a baby full term. My back and stomach hurt.  All for such a tiny little one that only made it 9 weeks.  :(  Doing much of anything feels like I hiked a mountain.  Finally I had to take some heavy meds to take away the pain and finally it worked.  I never resort to it but it had been prescribed for me for ulcers before getting pregnant.  I just never took them because I won't take anything above a regular Tylenol if I can bear the pain.  Just a good rule for me so it's there when I really need it which is maybe once a year.  I needed it today and yesterday. :P

Wednesday I was using the restroom and noticed some pink blood. Right away I thought, "Uh oh."  I never get that with any of my pregnancies. I've never spotted. I was definitely worried and was determined to call doctor first thing in the morning.  The next morning I called them and they immediately scheduled for me to come in.  The bleeding had gotten progressively worse and was now bright red.  Charles rushed home from work so I could go get an ultrasound.  I was very nervous when I got there and didn't want to see screen.  I did but I didn't.  It's a beautiful dim lit room with a big screen on the wall for mom's to easily see.  I couldn't help it.  I had to look.  I saw a beautiful little baby next to a yolk sac. I was sick waiting for her to say whether or not she saw a heart beat.  She said she saw a flicker and tried to see closer.  I was happy but still worried because to me the flicker of the heart didn't seem very fast.  She got a heart rate around 58 bpm which is only half of what it should be. She thought maybe she was wrong so had me hold my breath while she kept measuring and measuring.  It wasn't good.  Also, baby was measuring small for 9 weeks.  Baby was alive but obviously struggling.  I watched that tiny heart flicker and my heart wanted so bad to tell it to speed up!

The nurse had me go into a consult room.  Uh oh.  I've never been to that consult room I had always seen before.  I've always been in the examination room with my healthy pregnancies.  Whenever I would pass the consult room I would look at it and feel bad for the mommies that might hear bad news in there. Now it was my turn.  A lovely doctor came in and sat down next to me. She said the prognosis was not good and most likely baby was dying. She said to prepare for a weekend miscarriage and told me what to look out for.  I half listened because I didn't want to believe it.  I got up and walked out with a heavy heart.  

I called my husband as I was driving home to give him the news.  We both were sad.  Then I told my mom. Then I just didn't want to talk anymore.  I laid down on the bed.  I was holding my bladder, not wanting to go to the restroom, because every time I did I had to see more blood. I figured if I just didn't go potty and see the blood then nothing bad would happen. 

I called my parents and asked if I could go somewhere with them that night.  I had to get out of the dreaded house where I thought something bad might happen.  We had so much fun going to Rustlers Rooste, hearing the bands play, and eating steak. What a lovely night!  My heart was carefree forgetting about everything.  Then I had to go to the bathroom at the restaurant Now I was not having to use a pad because bleeding was more.

Once I went home I felt it was time to face the music.  I felt resolved to what was going to happen.  I laid down and looked on my facebook.  A sweet friend and her husband had written me a long letter about faith.  Not just accepting whatever bad new I hear.  At least pray.  They were right.  I had just given up without even praying but just a little bit.  I was quick to be defeated.  I have seen God heal my babies before right in the womb. I had seen God spare baby Juliet when my body was trying to miscarry her at 11 weeks.  I had seen God help me while almost going into labor with Caleb at 7 months.  Major miracles.  The doctors even called them miracles.  Why not for this one?  The baby at least deserved mommy to fight at well for this one.  I stayed up and prayed and prayed.  I would fall asleep praying and then wake up and pray some more. Then I turned on my TV to my recorded preaching messages of Robert Morris, The Blessed Life.  It just so happened the only sermon I hadn't watched was about The Power of Prayer.  I forced myself to pull out my bible late at night and watch the sermon. I prayed till I fell asleep late into the night.  Now whatever happened I felt I had at least placed it into God's hands and not man's. 

That night I dreamt I watched as the baby's heart dropped.  I felt as if I was literally watching her die right before me on a screen.  Just as the baby was dying in my dream I woke up and it was morning.  I kissed my husband goodbye as he left for work.  I mentioned to him I would miss him terribly.  It was a long day ahead of me not knowing what was gonna happen.  I just laid in bed drifting in and out of sleep.  A few hours later I felt a twinge of pain in my stomach.  Uh oh.  The doctor said it would be like menstrual cramps so that's what I was looking out for.  When I started having to breathe thru the pain I began to cry and cry.  I knew what was happening.  My baby had died just like I dreamt.  I called Charles and he rushed home.  Thank goodness because there was to be another 2 hours of contractions and I needed someone to be with the kids.  This was NO menstrual cramps but like stage 2 of labor for me.  For me, first stage is menstrual cramp type pain.  Second stage is breathing thru real contractions.  But just like a friend said, not over the whole stomach but in small area.  It was extremely painful.  Finally I took some heavy medicine for pain but it didn't even touch the pain.  When contractions subsided I fell asleep for 2 hours.  When I woke up I passed a huge blood clot.  It wasn't the baby.  The clot was like the size of a small orange.  It was huge.  I laid back down and a couple more hours later I passed something else and this time it was the placenta with baby.  I pretty sure baby was with it but I just couldn't tell.  Doctor said some can see baby real easy and some can't. I couldn't as well so I kept it all together.  I cried and cried.  I told the baby I loved him/her and placed it in a container.  

I fell back asleep and woke up to hearing my husband crying and saw him writing a letter to the baby. He said he wanted to name the baby Genesis.  I had mentioned the name before to him before knowing I would miscarry.  I told him I was sorry I lost his baby but we both knew the baby just struggled and couldn't make it.  I was exhausted and just laid in bed for rest of the night.  the whole ordeal was exhausting and nothing like the nurse and simply told me.  Much harder.  Kinda would have been nice to have a heads up .  :P  Maybe for some it's just like menstrual cramps.

Today I woke up and didn't want to be home.  I called my parents and went out to breakfast with them.  Then my husband and kids took me out.  Charles bought me a maternity shirt.  It didn't make me feel sad.  I knew he was doing it to show me I would have another baby some day.  I wanted Genesis but I accepted the shirt as a gift.  He just has such a sweet heart.  I tried to just feel happy by being away but it only worked for a short time.  I desperately missed baby Genesis.  I knew he/she was at home in a little container with a love letter, rose, and a newborn baby hat they'd never wear inside.  Finally I went home but my body was exhausted and in pain from not just taking it easy in bed.  I'll take the hint.  I can't run from it and just need to lay down.  Let my body just heal.  I fell asleep for a several hours but woke up in the middle of the night to write this letter.  Feeling shaky but I had to write it.  Maybe some mommy out there reading this and going thru the same thing can find someone who relates.

I may have only been 9 weeks pregnant but we had already picked out baby names, laughed and dreamt about this baby.  Charles and I mentioned how we couldn't WAIT to meet him or her in November.  I was barely pregnant and we were so impatient!  :)  Charles and I love EVERY single baby God gives us.  No matter how tiny.  We truly feel we have just missed out on another beautiful baby with a personality built right into him/her.  A PERSON we won't know till we are in Heaven. 

I love you, baby Genesis.  I CAN'T wait to meet you but I have seven beautiful blessings here to care and love.  I promise, promise, promise we'll be reunited again.  I love you, so, so, so much and I will sing to you every year.  Your birthday into Heaven is April 4, 2014. I won't forget it.  I know I've said it a hundred times but I LOVE YOU.

Love, Mommy

Goodbye My Little One

Dear little one, 

I've technically only known you for 7 weeks because they calculate pregnancy with an extra 2 weeks tagged on. I'm writing you now because I know my womb is still caressing you before letting you go to your home in Heaven. My body is painfully working to let you go with contractions every two minutes. 

I've loved every single day you've been in my tummy. I loved picking out names and dreaming with your siblings about what you might be like. I loved hearing the kids excitedly talking about you. They know Jesus is taking you home and they are crying. They love you so much. I told them we can see you again but we will miss you till then. 

Two days ago I started bleeding and worriedly called the doctor. They quickly brought me in to see how you were doing. I saw your precious little body. I saw your heart beating. I also saw how hard your heart was working to keep going. I knew before the doctor told me that you were having a hard time. I'm so happy, so, so happy I got a chance to see your little heart beating before saying goodbye. Wow, what a privilege. You are adorable. 

It was hard for me to accept I wouldn't get to meet you in November like planned. I so much couldn't wait to meet you that I was wondering how I was gonna make it till then. I already couldn't wait to hold you and being you were still so little, I was in a bit of a rush! 

Please tell our loved ones in Heaven hello. They get to see you before me. While you are there, know that you have seven other siblings that you'll one day get to meet. What a big reunion we will have!!!

Daddy said he's naming you Genesis because your life is just beginning even though your new home is in Heaven. He's such a sweet daddy. He talked to you in my tummy almost every morning before work. 

Hugs and kisses, little baby. I love you so much. I promise I'm coming eventually. You are my 8th baby wonder and I loved every single day with you. I will miss you so bad.

Love, Mommy