Has Michelle Duggar Ever Experienced Postpartum Depression?

My firstborn Chaz

I've been hearing some mommies talk about experiencing postpartum depression and feeling alone. It makes me sad because I know exactly what that feels like and very much went through it alone with my first child. I had never heard of it and had it so bad.  I really needed help but not a lot you can do when you've never heard of it before and you are afraid to tell anyone.  I would sit in our apartment while my husband was at work and the most horrible thoughts would go through my head.  Through encouragement from my husband somehow I got through it but it wasn't overnight.   Not only was I very alone in trying to figure out how to take care of a new baby, but there were major hormonal factors having a play in my body and mind also.  Now, when I see a new mom and she has the wild look in her eyes, I HAVE to walk over and encourage them.  I know that look from a mile away.  Of course postpartum depression doesn't happen to the mom with only her first baby, it can be with the 4th baby and happen more than once.  It's really tough.  I hope most people know not to judge moms like this as they often just need either a friend to help them through or help from a doctor.

Anyhow, here is a great article from Michelle Duggar.  Yes, she's experienced it too.  ;)

Has Michelle Ever Experience PostPartum Depression?

How I Had Lost my Faith

These days I've been only able to blog late at night because of the busy, busy days.  Even with working a full day with very little breaks, I'll lay awake late at night not able to sleep.  I guess more in wonder lately.  Just thinking about the day.  Thinking about issues on my heart.

In the last couple of years my faith had really been shaken.  There were definitely some trials.  Several times God has proven to me that He is real and he does care about the big things AND the little things.  I feel like the Israelites in the desert going round and round and forgetting about each miracle.

My kids got to visit me one time but I don't remember much
of them being there.  They camped out for a few hours.

How I lost my faith?  A couple of years ago my husband had lost his career.  I had just found out I was pregnant with my 6th child.  I don't believe any forms of birth control except NFP (The truth about Birth Control).  So although I was surprised by that pregnancy, we knew it was bound to happen.  :)  On top of if, with no income, our house payments were just too much for us.  I lost some friends because they were angry I was having "yet another kid".  ("Don't make friends with someone who easily gets angry. Don't spend time with someone who has a bad temper. If you do, you may learn to be like him. Then you will be in real danger." Proverbs 22:24-35)


It just felt like a disaster at that time.  I went into a depression and didn't really let anyone know about it.  The worst thing I did was stop praying.  Maybe in the bitterness of things crumbling around me, I was blaming God.  Why?  I don't know.  I told my husband over and over I didn't care about the material stuff.  If we lost it all, so be it.  We'll move somewhere.  Anywhere.  I just wanted us to be together.  Then at 27 weeks, as I was getting ready to go somewhere with my family, I doubled over in pain.  It was like going from no pain at all to the pain equal to labor full force.  Except it wasn't labor.  It was my kidneys.  They had been going bad over the years the doctors said.  To top it off I had just had dental surgery a month before and had some bad complications.  I was rushed to the hospital where I was unconscious for 6 days.  I couldn't eat or barely drink. I didn't even know they put me in an ice machine from a very bad fever while I was out. To top it off, my new OB I found accused me of only coming to the hospital for drugs since I had no fever to prove an infection.  That night my fever soared dangerously and that was why they put me in the ice machine.  (Read about nightmare OB here)

3D Ultrasound of Caleb at 28 weeks

Through all of that, I had almost no family around me or friends for support.  It was just my husband and I so he couldn't be with me in the hospital.  My mom mercifully took care of me for a time after I was released.  She is always amazing when she takes over and I remember that about her when I was little.  Even though I was released, the pain in my kidneys was still bad and it puzzled the doctors.  They told me if I couldn't get off the pain killers, my baby would be born addicted to them.  I stopped using the medicine and just endured the pain till a miracle happened (will tell you below).  I wasn't gonna risk my baby.  Finally he was born healthy and we breathed a sigh of relief.  After months of not finding work, Charles was able to find a part time job to hold us up.  He had to look completely outside his line of work but we were just happy he found something.  Anything.  Charles is a very smart guy and it just happened to be that his field was one of the first to go when the economy fell.  When Caleb turned 1, I found out I needed surgery because I had endemetriosis.  It was to be scheduled within a week.

When I was 36 weeks pregnant with Caleb

I had reached an all time low in my spirit through it all.  I had no prayer in me.  No faith.  I just piled the load on my own shoulders and kept my lips silent to God.  Sure I believe in Him.  80% of America says they do.  I was forgetting all the miracles along the way just like the Israelites were in the desert.  Instead of going to the promise land, they went round and round.  God performed miracles right in front of them and they eventually forgot about them and would complain.  I had forgotten my miracles too.

*Sometimes when we lose a friend over something that is completely biblical you believe in, maybe a purging is needed of those types of friends.  (What is real forgiveness?)

*While in the hospital, when I was pregnant and having kidney trouble, the main doctor of the hospital found out of my OB's abuse and came to talk to me.  He said I needed to release her (get rid of her) and they assigned me one of the top notch OB's in the state.  She quickly took me in for the rest of my pregnancy and was just amazing.  I didn't know till later that she is a highly wanted OB but only certain cases she will take.

*God provided a job.  Maybe not in the way I expected but the one he was given happens to be one of the most stable out there and said to be for the future and has GREAT insurance plans.  

*Our house payment was lowered drastically and just so happens to be lowered to the exact amount needed to fit in our budget.  Only 2-3% of anyone who applied were able to get our new interest rate.  We were one of the lucky few.

*When one person stopped giving me their hand-me-downs out of anger of our 6th child, 5 more people stepped in their place.  Every time I've said, "We need to head to the store this week to get this person some pairs of pants", no kidding, someone in church will come up to me THAT week and hand me over the exact items I said to Charles we needed.  

*Caleb was born completely healthy when they said that I could of birthed him at 27 weeks because of kidney trouble.  They were able to get my contractions to stop.

*An evangelist called people forward one service who had kidney issues and THAT night my kidneys were healed.  THAT is a huge miracle for me since they said I would need surgery and if I didn't I would be on kidney dialysis.  (Story here of that night)

*The next night that same evangelist called women forward who had endemetriosis.  Man, God had my number. I went forward and that night my pain completely left. Surgery was cancelled.  God had healed me. 

*Even through all the financial crazy stuff that happened to us, somehow we've been able to make it. I know it's not just by some chance.  God made a promise to us back in 2002 that He was gonna provide and He has a blessing on families. He also made a promise to us in 2004 that if we just pray and ask Him, he will guide us in our important decisions.  He will put the right decision in our heart and just be patient.  We will start to see what God is going to do in our family.  

Baby Caleb safely arrives in September of 2009!

Even through all these miracles I was staying silent with doubt.  I was completely bearing the burden on my shoulders and I almost missed it.  Almost.  Finally, it was Michele Duggar's words in a testimony I recently showed on my blog that brought me to my knees. I was trying to bear it all on my own strength.  Sure we can do it for a little bit.  But it's not by might, nor by power but by My Spirit says the Lord.  I was keeping a smile on my face but my heart was aching to talk to Him again and really trust Him.  Why couldn't I?  I don't know.  I know my heart was discouraged.  IF ONLY I remembered all His miracles along the way.  Every time I even thought about going and just working at night to get that second income, the door would be shut on me.  Not just shut, it would SLAM shut.  Once again I was trying to do it my way rather than give it to God.  (I'm very, very traditional in my beliefs and believe that the man provides and the woman cares for her household)

My faith was here

This week I am studying Faith.  What is faith?

Faith vs. Presumption
Visualizing what God intends to do in a given situation and acting in harmony with it.  Hebrews 11:1


I'm sharing this in hopes that if anyone is going through trials, this post can be somewhat of an encouragement and a reminder. sometimes it can be hard to remember what God HAS done.  We can quickly forget and complain.  God doesn't promise to give us what we want but He does promise to meet our needs.  Speaking life into your family and situation is sooo important.  Words are very powerful.  Thank you, Marla, for dropping me a note of reminder.  :)  A real friend won't just tell you what you want to hear all the time.  Since sending my prayers up to Him and having that faith again, it's like the burden has been lifted.  I can't tell you how wonderful it is to even just be able to give my day to God and ask for peace and the joy through the day.  I need that because working for 15 hours with small breaks can wear on any person.  But when God puts Joy, Love, Peace, Contentment, Tolerance, Patience, Endurance your heart, it makes the daily tasks so much lighter.

When the Day Doesn't Start Out with Sunshine

I'm sitting here with my head pounding, my baby son on my lap while I type.  He's putting his toy army car in my coffee and I'm too tired to tell him to stop.  I've always wanted soldiers in my cup.  My girls are running around in their panties but my head hurts to much to talk and tell them to go get some clothes on.  My Great Dane is sitting up and staring at me which usually means he wants something but I have no idea what.  Dirty dishes in the sink from eating late at night with the kids after church.  My 10 year old is dancing around the living which is incredibly cute but my eyes are blurry so it's making me dizzy.  Ashley, my 3 yr old, keeps giving me this look that she's gotten into something.  I KNOW that look.  Plus, when she's done something she chews on her tongue when I ask her about it.  My other dog wants inside so he's barking at the door over and over making my head hurt worse. But getting up makes my head hurt so I'm staying here. My laundry pile is becoming Mt. Everest.  I think today might be the day I can put on those tennis shoes and climb it.  I desperately need to read God's Word.  Like now.  Stat.  I started this day all wrong.  

(Getting my bible... and another cup of coffee)

Being that today is June 23, I read out of Proverbs 23.  I loved the scripture that says "Do not let your heart envy sinners, but always be zealous for the fear of the Lord."  This morning I was going around and visiting blogs I'd never visited before.  One particular one made me sad. The wife was laughing about misspending huge amounts of money her husband asked her not to do, extreme foul language, and hateful words.  I thought "I remember when we could spend big amounts of money and it was so fun."  But not everyone with money is happy or at peace.  It is better to look at someone and say, "I would love to have her peace, her joy, her love for what is Godly."  

After feeding my soul (which was kinda getting skinny), taking some medicine and having another cup of coffee..... I'm starting to feel a little better.  My head still hurts.  Makes me feel kind of grumpy but I know to never take it out on my family.  I learned a long time ago that just because mommy is not feeling good, kids shouldn't have to pay the price.  Or my husband.  I know it's easy to hurt the ones we love, but the price is so much heavier when we do.

"Lord, my day hasn't started out too great.  My work load is heavy and I don't feel too great.  Please shine Your light into this home and help me to appreciate all your gifts you have given me that are right under my nose."


(I miss my camera.  It's in the repair shop and I can't wait to get it back.)

The Secret to Beating Selfishness Out of You

Become a mother!

I'm a soft mommy.  I'm the kind of mom where kids want to come over and spend the night because we make it a party every time.  Literally.  We stay up all night playing games.  Whenever we go to church we have kids coming up to us wanting to come over.  You know how some people get hangovers from partying all night?  Well, I wake up extremely tired the next day after we stay up all night because I've had so little sleep.  We end up walking around in our pj's for half the day with me sipping coffee to stay awake.  How I went from a kid hater to and all night kid partier is beyond me.  Actually, it was a painful process.

Me on the right in white dress at 17.  Selfish
as all heck.

Back when I was single I didn't like kids very much.  For some reason they liked me though.  As a teen I refused to help in the nursery at church because I didn't want to touch any booger babies or have to change diapers.  I feel so bad remembering how I would say no every time the nursery lady tried to recruit me.  When I would walk into the church doors, kids would shout "Jenny!" and run into my legs.  I would say ran into my arms but that wouldn't be the truth.  It was icky and I would try to get them off of me.  Have you ever seen Daddy Day Care or Nine Months?  That was me.  Took a long time for kids to grow on me.  In fact, I wouldn't even watch my own nephews unless I was paid.  That hits me in my gut right there thinking about how selfish and naive I was.

When I got pregnant with my first, I was terrified!  I don't remember ever changing a diaper, never was sleep deprived, and certainly wan't sure about giving up my freedom.  We ate out all the time and did whatever we wanted with no strings attached.  It was the easy life.  I remember laying awake at night wondering how different my life was going to be with a baby.  Thank God it was 9 months away because I needed a miracle in my heart till then.  I didn't know it then but it was my selfishness that needed to die.  I can't believe how much selfishness was bound up in me.  Little did I know that having a baby would not only change my life, but it would literally beat the dickens out of my selfish and tiny little heart.  


When Chaz was born I felt like I went numb. I was scared and how no idea where to begin and how to care for a baby.  To top it off I had very bad Post Partum Depression and no one to share with about it.  I would cry and cry having no idea what to do.  How often to feed my baby.  I literally went back to the hospital and asked a worker if I could talk to a counselor.  I was extremely engorged so badly that Chaz couldn't get any milk.  An angel of a woman in her 60's sat me down, let me cry it all out, and let me pump my milk out.  Then she showed me how to properly breastfeed and explained why I was in so much pain.  She told me it was okay to nap in the day with my baby.  I'll never forget that woman. I left the hospital feeling like everything was going to be okay.  I wiped the tears from my eyes and left feeling renewed.

6 kids later I feel like my selfishness was not only beat out of me, but ran over by a semi.  Thank God for that.  It has been a joy having my kids.  Poor Chaz had to be my first but I love him like crazy. Each and every one of my kids has been a gift that I never want to take for granted.  Last week I found myself inviting 2 extra kids over for an entire week just for fun.  Last night I made plans for a different kid to come over every night since it's Vacation Bible School week at church.  What's wrong with me?  I don't know.  I just really like kids now and what's one, two, or three more when I already have six?  :)  I guess I just love having a full house.

If selfishness is bound up in your heart and you find that kids are nothing but a burden, I feel sorry for you.  I feel like the luckiest woman on the planet.