I'm a writer not for attention. I just write for my heart. When I write it's very much like therapy for me. So please know if I'm writing about something hard I'm going through, it's not for attention. I just have to.
Right now I feel shaky and sick. Since miscarrying a day ago, to my surprise I feel exactly like after I have a baby full term. My back and stomach hurt. All for such a tiny little one that only made it 9 weeks. :( Doing much of anything feels like I hiked a mountain. Finally I had to take some heavy meds to take away the pain and finally it worked. I never resort to it but it had been prescribed for me for ulcers before getting pregnant. I just never took them because I won't take anything above a regular Tylenol if I can bear the pain. Just a good rule for me so it's there when I really need it which is maybe once a year. I needed it today and yesterday. :P
Wednesday I was using the restroom and noticed some pink blood. Right away I thought, "Uh oh." I never get that with any of my pregnancies. I've never spotted. I was definitely worried and was determined to call doctor first thing in the morning. The next morning I called them and they immediately scheduled for me to come in. The bleeding had gotten progressively worse and was now bright red. Charles rushed home from work so I could go get an ultrasound. I was very nervous when I got there and didn't want to see screen. I did but I didn't. It's a beautiful dim lit room with a big screen on the wall for mom's to easily see. I couldn't help it. I had to look. I saw a beautiful little baby next to a yolk sac. I was sick waiting for her to say whether or not she saw a heart beat. She said she saw a flicker and tried to see closer. I was happy but still worried because to me the flicker of the heart didn't seem very fast. She got a heart rate around 58 bpm which is only half of what it should be. She thought maybe she was wrong so had me hold my breath while she kept measuring and measuring. It wasn't good. Also, baby was measuring small for 9 weeks. Baby was alive but obviously struggling. I watched that tiny heart flicker and my heart wanted so bad to tell it to speed up!
The nurse had me go into a consult room. Uh oh. I've never been to that consult room I had always seen before. I've always been in the examination room with my healthy pregnancies. Whenever I would pass the consult room I would look at it and feel bad for the mommies that might hear bad news in there. Now it was my turn. A lovely doctor came in and sat down next to me. She said the prognosis was not good and most likely baby was dying. She said to prepare for a weekend miscarriage and told me what to look out for. I half listened because I didn't want to believe it. I got up and walked out with a heavy heart.
I called my husband as I was driving home to give him the news. We both were sad. Then I told my mom. Then I just didn't want to talk anymore. I laid down on the bed. I was holding my bladder, not wanting to go to the restroom, because every time I did I had to see more blood. I figured if I just didn't go potty and see the blood then nothing bad would happen.
I called my parents and asked if I could go somewhere with them that night. I had to get out of the dreaded house where I thought something bad might happen. We had so much fun going to Rustlers Rooste, hearing the bands play, and eating steak. What a lovely night! My heart was carefree forgetting about everything. Then I had to go to the bathroom at the restaurant Now I was not having to use a pad because bleeding was more.Once I went home I felt it was time to face the music. I felt resolved to what was going to happen. I laid down and looked on my facebook. A sweet friend and her husband had written me a long letter about faith. Not just accepting whatever bad new I hear. At least pray. They were right. I had just given up without even praying but just a little bit. I was quick to be defeated. I have seen God heal my babies before right in the womb. I had seen God spare baby Juliet when my body was trying to miscarry her at 11 weeks. I had seen God help me while almost going into labor with Caleb at 7 months. Major miracles. The doctors even called them miracles. Why not for this one? The baby at least deserved mommy to fight at well for this one. I stayed up and prayed and prayed. I would fall asleep praying and then wake up and pray some more. Then I turned on my TV to my recorded preaching messages of Robert Morris, The Blessed Life. It just so happened the only sermon I hadn't watched was about The Power of Prayer. I forced myself to pull out my bible late at night and watch the sermon. I prayed till I fell asleep late into the night. Now whatever happened I felt I had at least placed it into God's hands and not man's.
That night I dreamt I watched as the baby's heart dropped. I felt as if I was literally watching her die right before me on a screen. Just as the baby was dying in my dream I woke up and it was morning. I kissed my husband goodbye as he left for work. I mentioned to him I would miss him terribly. It was a long day ahead of me not knowing what was gonna happen. I just laid in bed drifting in and out of sleep. A few hours later I felt a twinge of pain in my stomach. Uh oh. The doctor said it would be like menstrual cramps so that's what I was looking out for. When I started having to breathe thru the pain I began to cry and cry. I knew what was happening. My baby had died just like I dreamt. I called Charles and he rushed home. Thank goodness because there was to be another 2 hours of contractions and I needed someone to be with the kids. This was NO menstrual cramps but like stage 2 of labor for me. For me, first stage is menstrual cramp type pain. Second stage is breathing thru real contractions. But just like a friend said, not over the whole stomach but in small area. It was extremely painful. Finally I took some heavy medicine for pain but it didn't even touch the pain. When contractions subsided I fell asleep for 2 hours. When I woke up I passed a huge blood clot. It wasn't the baby. The clot was like the size of a small orange. It was huge. I laid back down and a couple more hours later I passed something else and this time it was the placenta with baby. I pretty sure baby was with it but I just couldn't tell. Doctor said some can see baby real easy and some can't. I couldn't as well so I kept it all together. I cried and cried. I told the baby I loved him/her and placed it in a container.
I fell back asleep and woke up to hearing my husband crying and saw him writing a letter to the baby. He said he wanted to name the baby Genesis. I had mentioned the name before to him before knowing I would miscarry. I told him I was sorry I lost his baby but we both knew the baby just struggled and couldn't make it. I was exhausted and just laid in bed for rest of the night. the whole ordeal was exhausting and nothing like the nurse and simply told me. Much harder. Kinda would have been nice to have a heads up . :P Maybe for some it's just like menstrual cramps.
Today I woke up and didn't want to be home. I called my parents and went out to breakfast with them. Then my husband and kids took me out. Charles bought me a maternity shirt. It didn't make me feel sad. I knew he was doing it to show me I would have another baby some day. I wanted Genesis but I accepted the shirt as a gift. He just has such a sweet heart. I tried to just feel happy by being away but it only worked for a short time. I desperately missed baby Genesis. I knew he/she was at home in a little container with a love letter, rose, and a newborn baby hat they'd never wear inside. Finally I went home but my body was exhausted and in pain from not just taking it easy in bed. I'll take the hint. I can't run from it and just need to lay down. Let my body just heal. I fell asleep for a several hours but woke up in the middle of the night to write this letter. Feeling shaky but I had to write it. Maybe some mommy out there reading this and going thru the same thing can find someone who relates.I may have only been 9 weeks pregnant but we had already picked out baby names, laughed and dreamt about this baby. Charles and I mentioned how we couldn't WAIT to meet him or her in November. I was barely pregnant and we were so impatient! :) Charles and I love EVERY single baby God gives us. No matter how tiny. We truly feel we have just missed out on another beautiful baby with a personality built right into him/her. A PERSON we won't know till we are in Heaven.
I love you, baby Genesis. I CAN'T wait to meet you but I have seven beautiful blessings here to care and love. I promise, promise, promise we'll be reunited again. I love you, so, so, so much and I will sing to you every year. Your birthday into Heaven is April 4, 2014. I won't forget it. I know I've said it a hundred times but I LOVE YOU.
Love, Mommy
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